transitional flaws

i have scars that welcomed me into womanhood.  at first they were deep purple, stretching down my thighs, up my hips. across my breasts.. even through my stomach.

i was ashamed of them… the only stretch marks i had known were the ones on my moms belly, and hers were beautiful to me. running my fingers across the silvery ribbons, when i’d lay my head on her belly and listen.

i knew they were her witness to carrying three babies. and they were real… and they were ‘mom’.

for a long time i felt like i had a body that looked like it’s already carried a baby. a poochy belly with silver ribbons. and feeling like that was just more ammunition to hating my body for deceiving me. for not being fertile… for looking like a mothers, instead of a young woman.

it’s only recently that i don’t mind…that through my fertility journey i had to start accepting who i saw in the mirror, and be as loving and gentle with her as i could… not send her so much negativity that she was already dealing with. knowing that, my body image should have been the least of my worries- but i only tallied it on to being a failure..

and how wrong was i, how wrong are we?

i can now look at my silvery ribbons with some compassion, knowing that they started to creep up at such a gentle time for a young woman… knowing that that was the beginning of my self-awareness and let down of confidence… and that’s  just so sad to me.

i wish that i would have realised at that time that coming into womanhood meant  that my body will give and stretch to a new life… that i was joining this emotional… empowering.. sisterhood. that, instead of such an embarrassing nuisance- i was beginning a journey of discovering myself, of learning wisdom. of learning the balance and art of being a woman, sister, lover, friend… and learning that i’m important too. that i need to take time to nourish myself, and to learn to love myself.

and so now i stand in the mirror and look at these silver strands that wiggle up my hips, up my stomach, thighs, breasts.. and i am so in awe of them. in what they represent for me in that transition of my life, and knowing that i’ll have new scars that welcome me into motherhood.

and they will be the same story as my mom’s scars were for me….

By edarcy | Posted in journey, {daily} | Tagged , | 4 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

delicate

(in)fertility. i took that usage of the word from my sweet friend, denise.

i fell in love with it immediately, because it wasn't a definition. it wasn't a neat little category where things all fit into. it wasn't hard. it wasn't solid.

infertile (adj); not fertile, unproductive, sterile, barren.

uhm… nope.

i don't care what any doctor says. no woman (or man) is infertile. it just simply isn't true… and casting that name. judgement. across yourself says this is the end of the road. there is no more. get over it… you will never…you admit defeat when you have only just begun.

fertility is always more than sperm and egg…

fertility is…a state of mind, a yearning with your heart, reaching with your soul.

an (in)fertile couple yearns for their babe… and their babe will find them by whatever means it can. it will always find them..

i realised that the heartache it takes to get there is necessary… i found a tribe of beautiful, amazing, talented women. with such compassion and big hearts. i found a way to help  other women just discovering their own grief.. i found a way to help myself… to appreciate more. to not take for granted. to let go of jealousies, and be more grateful. daily. learn from this experience… be given wisdom from a place that i never wanted, but am also appreciative of. like it was destined to happen… to be a voice, or a hand, and know how to hold the torch for others in need.

one of my favourite words is prolific. and living that way… being prolific in all that you do. in your art, in your passions… with your heart. does that make sense?

–

i feel torn…

while i sit and celebrate and feel so joyous in finding my spirit baby… actually, him/her finding me.

i can't help but feel like i'm also being insensitive to those who are still on the path.

.. i don't believe that a positive test is the end to my fertility journey. (nor a negative one..) it just feels like the next step. like a transition. like the same transitions i was finding ON the (in)fertility journey. the anger, and hurt, and jealousy, and mourning. finding light and positivity, finding myself.. and this just feels like one more step in that process.. that will continue to go on.

i feel torn because…

i know that feeling of being punched in the gut when i found out a friend, or fellow path walker found their babe.

and i also know the feeling of celebrating with women found theirs, and i felt blessed to be apart of their new story, and genuinely excited and proud of them. wanting to know every last detail.

–

so many of these torch carriers for me have children of their own, some walked a delicate fertility path, some are still on it, and some have never had to endure it.

and a lot of times those women say 'i don't know this pain you're in'

and i guess i understand… because i look at girls who just happened to lay down and get pregnant. without a second thought. without wanting. without yearning… but i suppose that's their lesson to. they have to find wisdom on that journey, just as i had to find mine.

… i know that i'm not getting out what i'm wanting to say.i don't know if i really can.

a friend of mine mourns an early miscarriage, and while she can't be around me right now. i tell her that i understand, and acknowledge her pain. and want her to understand that even though i have not lost a baby, i felt untrust, disbelief, disgust, and death.. in my body. for two years. and that i feel like i can understand where she is coming from- without really knowing that painful grief as my own.

but maybe i'm wrong.

my heart feels heavy today. with her grief. and with my own delicate fears throbbing in the back of my mind.

–

this all fell apart at the end. i don't know how to eloquently put together what i'm trying to say… i don't know how to be as gentle and warm as denise is when she talks about this delicate line…

i just want anyone that has followed my journey… who is on their own path- to know that i understand if you can't celebrate with me… and understand when you need to ignore me.

and i'm sorry.. especially if i have been insensitive.

By edarcy | Posted in journey | 3 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

thoughts.

the weather has been a fabulous tease. bright blue sunny skies as far as the eye can see… you'd want to open the windows and clean everything out. make it smell fresh and alive in the house. put on a skirt and go for a walk.. only… it's still quite chilly.  the frost creeps up the windows at night.

lying as silent as i can, anticipating a flutter that i felt at our last 16 week scan. a tiny little pit-pat pit-pat with your fingers… suddenly i felt it last night, only a few times. makes me cry and smile and… fall in love with steven  all over again.

so beyond excited about travelling home in may… a long, tiring journey to get there.. but to see my momma and papa on the other side, waiting in the airport.. and my little furry babies as well.  excited to breathe the thicker air… feel the suns warmth on my face. (eat pickle-o's.. please?)

living on a new staple of 'i'm hungry all the time…but nothing really sounds good, or tastes as good as i expect it to' diet of pasta with butter, salt and pepper… plain. but somehow simply divine…

dreaming about fresh strawberries… ooh.

wishing i had a little garden to plant lavender.

hoping to find the perfect home to cozy our new family into, come august.

thankful for technology, keeping me close to my friends and family spread all over the globe.

so in love with my husband every day…

i'll stop here before i start mentioning more food on my mind… like muffins… did  i just say that?

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nostalgia

mmm i'm dreaming about summer… about summers. nostalgia sweeping me away…

stubbed toes on the side walk, running barefoot- the sound of laughter filling the air…

little thighs stuck to the pleather seats of a moving truck. the sun pouring directly in, hum of the engine lulling you to sleep for a few sticky hours.

the general store with the tall indian totem pole that sells orange cream sodas in the bottle.

reminiscing with a friend the other night… back to such simple sweet little memories. nothing about them extraordinary- but thinking about it all makes your heart swell and puts this happy.. drunk. goofy grin on your face thinking about how simple it was…

scratching mosquito bites, sitting on the side walk. smell of chlorine in your hair and tight on your skin. hot cans of dr.pepper.

asking her- why are all of our yummy memories in the summer? why are they so simple.. the long. hot. drive for the family vacation- and picnics on the side of the road more memorable and a yummy memory than the actual vacation spot itself. why were they all free or cheap? scrounging up pennies under couch cushions- so you could ride your bike to the rooster crow general store to get a bag of chips, and maybe a sweet. more satisfying than trips to mcdonalds and playing in the in-door play gym.

sigh…

thankful for all the places i grew up… wide open fields and mountains. freedom to roam and just be.

i wonder if my kids will have the same memories. surely… since we all seem to. : )

what is one of your favourite childhood memories?

i could really go for a bottle of orange soda, and share a bag of jelly beans with my papa.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

the reality

writing stories in my head to tell here. boring shite that i'm quite sure i've already said more than once. weee because that's just what i do.

a friend told me that she noticed that i'm more serious lately. ha! i dunno if i am more serious, or just boring and… protective? and really unsure of how to share.

and now after sitting and looking at this picture long enough

i'm smiling and thinking 'ahh what the hell'

hee!

so glamorous i know.. but it's the truth!

i've been comparing bellies for each week- trying to figure out what i should be looking like… but oh… my goodness. that's. well. first off, you should never compare yourself to anyone? but whatever. that's another issue. secondly. holy crap! the difference between girls. some super thin girls barely show, while other super thin girls have huge round bumps.

but i'm not thin… and i had a belly pooch forever.

and then i got pregnant and wonder- is this just my belly pooch or could this be baby belly?

even though i'm pretty sure it's official.. like. i could zip and button those pants up (uncomfortably) a month ago…

i bought my first maternity clothes yesterday. a pair of jeans that i'm still not sure about. and the top i have on in the picture… which i love. (also.. it looks pregnant on the hanger)

for some reason i was covering up and hiding as much as possible before… wondering if i looked more fat than pregnant (oh god.. hahaha!) or.. being nervous of saying i was pregnant if someone asked? for.. some reason. anyway. whatever the case. i'm not really sure. my mind hasn't decided.  but right now it kind of feels more…real. maybe just with the admission of purchasing a piece of clothing from the maternity wrack without feeling like i don't belong there. asking a sales girl how these pants are really supposed to fit, and.. please be honest- does my butt look okay in these?

maybe i should take a picture of my butt in them and ask you, instead?

anyway.

so i also figure that i will stop apologizing for not posting anything here. because then it'll just become post after post of lame excuses to my…sitting on the couch looking out the window. blank mind… ness. eh. what can ya do?  i'll give ya some when i got some.

mwah!

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged | 11 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

oh my, is it really friday?

lately i've…

…been dreaming. and steven and i sit and share our dreams about our future. wondering what our babe will be like, what kind of parents we will be… where in the world we will end up living. i love the adventure and story in all that lies ahead.

. been sick. oh my. i was feeling really really great for a bit there. and then second semester kicked in and all of that by the book junk went out the window.

. playing in paints, trying to push myself to create again. working on a beautiful project for a friend- with so much meaning in it for me as well.. i think that my babe with me helps benefit it in some ways… i'll let you all know about it when the time is right. : )

. rereading that above entry i keep reading 'playing in my pants' er….

. waking up to bright sunlight… oh hello spring, i guess you really did make it here- early mornings that are no longer dark. i forgot how bright the sun hits our bedroom windows.

. la la laaaa'ing. with a bit of gagging. if i'm to be honest. ;-p

mwah!

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 5 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

Mon Chéri

hi lovees,

did you do anything special for valentines day? or was it just another day of the week. oof. a sunday actually.. although, i suppose that is better than a monday.

i had my first photoshoot of… forever. with eight kiddies. i was so anxious leading up to it, but thankfully it turned out so wonderful. the kids were so sweet and cute and well behaved.

my pants were held together by a hair tie… i came home absolutely starving and exhausted…

and then i made dinner for the valentine and myself. took a long nap. and woke up starving again.

STARVING.

oof. this hunger… i didn't expect. i haven't been eating much lately anyway- nothing to do with any type of sickness (because so far i appear to not… have any. really. it's kind of weird. except the random dry heave)  anyway… so hunger. like a hole in my stomach.  i've got to make sure i watch it because 'eating for two' is a laugh. and i'm sure that my walking in place exercises (during ellen) aren't really doing much… better some than none?

…although i did eat two ice cream sandwiches. but it was my valentines gift to le bebe.

THEY WERE MINI.

…i'd still eat another two.

so we did nothing special. i don't think we ever have done anything special for valentines, or our anniversary… it's mostly always been a make-up thing, especially for the anniversary. if any. haha we're kind of pathetic.

we were once given a gorgeous, glorious free hotel room. it was absolutely stunning… and then at 3am we sat in that massive hotel bed eating mcdonalds…

and i don't think i'd change anything about our 'dates'.

hard to imagine that this time next year, we'll have a six month old joining us. time already flies… eep!

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 3 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

creative silence

i guess all of my creative energy really is being used to create… a life, instead.

as many times as i come here and sit at a blank screen, trying to think of how to fill it with words. sitting in front of a blank paper, trying to fill it with lines. sitting with the camera to my eye, trying to see.

it all stays white. blank. incomplete. and i'm completely fine with that, it's just… weird. silent. waiting.

before i got pregnant i was obsessed with the idea of having pieces of art that i created while pregnant without knowing, and pieces to fill our home with stories that i was pregnant.. belly full. these pieces staying on our home walls for years- being the quilt of the story. threads of our lives into  it. pieces that each future child would hold as theirs, that we created together- hearts beating under the same chamber.  ha! this little muse has other ideas.  maybe that'll all come in time. i do quite like the idea that all of this creative energy was sucked up- poured into a new person for the time  being. and later on i'll discover my own again, and perhaps it'll transform into something entirely new… as we all are.

right now, i'm eager for the cold in the house to let up. for the sun to warm up the ground and force me to open windows. (uh… even though that means the spiders come back… )

eager to see leaves on the trees, flowers sprouting from the green, ice cream consumed in the streets.

ready to go home to the states, and drink in the long straight roads and blazing sun on the top of your head. a long road trip to a place we've never been. watching my brother marry through my lens.

i know that these final bits of winter (well, for us it's the beginning of spring) are making people all jittery. foam at the mouth crazzzyyyy… what are you eager for?

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 6 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

mermaid legs

yesterday we got to see this bouncing little water baby…

sigh. nothing could have taken the smile off my face after seeing that.

these tiny little legs bending and pushing against one side to launch itself to the other. like your three year old does in the bathtub, sending water all over the edges- and the room full of giggles. little mermaid legs…

i wish the scan was better so you could see.. it was clear enough to watch- but this ultrasound wasn't as clear as our first one at the hospital. that's alright… i can still make out everything. : )

but not only was seeing this little babe wiggling and moving and.. an actual BABY. with arms and legs.. legs that will be chunky thighs that i won't be able to stop nibbling on. and little feet so soft and pure, having never touched earth. sorry sorry.. hee! getting off track.  ahem.  i'm in love with the doctor.

after fighting my way through doctors and specialists- just to be diagnosed with PCOS. realising that i had to be my own doctor in cases… realising that they just didn't give a fuck. that i'd have to repeat everything. every time.. tell them what i needed to be put on. research my own destiny and beg and try to convince one doctor or the next to do something… anything. besides just putting me on a long waiting list.

and now? …every single doctor, nurse, midwife i have met with- after coming in with a positive test, have been nothing but amazing and wonderful to us.

the regular doctor that i will be attending under was actually sick yesterday. so i got his replacement. b-b-but… i love him. he was so wonderful. just. happy and positive and silly and. it completely put my mind at ease about giving birth here, in a hospital.  i almost don't want my attending doctor now. haha (though, my mother-in-law did have my attending when she was pregnant, and loves him too)

anyway, we were also completely surprised to find out that i am measuring at 12 weeks already. (even though i didn't really think that the doctor in the hospital took long enough to check. and that his calculation seemed a bit off) but TWELVE WEEKS! what a sigh of relief.  and i know he's just spoiling me, so he said he'll have me back in a month to have another scan to double check. hee! just another little peek.

la la la

By edarcy | Posted in journey | Tagged , | 11 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

to haiti with love

i've been very fortunate to make friends with incredible people around the world.

people who have these ideas in their heart of how to help in unimaginable situations… people who just DO IT. without fear and being held back by the amount of work you have to pour into such things.

i feel honoured when these friends (who were people i used to put on a pedestal and admire from afar… and somewhere along the lines we became friends) ask if i might be able to help them…

and there's something wonderful by being able to say yes. by using what talent i have towards something bigger than myself.

recently i was asked by a dear sweet friend if i might be able to contribute to her charity auction event. To Haiti With Love

it's packed full of so many wonderful things! artists, writers, crafters, foodies… so many people got together to donate a piece to this auction.  check out broken wings for more information about where the money that is raised goes to.

in addition to all of the stuff available to buy, i have donated any choice of an 11×14 print from my etsy shop. it can be a previously sold print or one that is currently for sale.

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