There are no words to describe his birth, not fully…
It was incredible. I would do it again, every.single.day.
It was divine, intimate, passionate, orgasmic. mmmm it simply…was.
It began many many moons ago… when I first put out to the universe that I’d like a ‘spring surprise’… I imagined conceiving in June, and giving birth as spring awoke- ewe’s lambing in the fields, daffodils blooming and light returning to the earth.
June arrived, and so too – an incredible surprise, a light in my womb. I met the woman that would be my midwife, and though I didn’t know I was only just pregnant at the moment- I knew from the second I laid eyes on her that she would be the woman to support me in bringing my babe earth side. She would be the woman I would call.. and by incredible luck, or.. perhaps just the way the divine was to be-I was one of the lucky few that got to hire her as she slows down on the number of births she takes these days.
The first quarter moon- my moon, my blood moon. The moon that my cycles returned at after Claire rode down on the last quarter moon in September 2010. I looked at the calendar and noted down the moons- would it be the last quarter or first… I knew in my heart of hearts it would be one- and seeing the dates added up, the first quarter moon of March 2013 was really pushing the dates for a homebirth…
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At 41 weeks we began trying to ripen my body.. to prepare for birth. I was becoming more and more anxious as the days passed, getting closer and closer to the deadline for a homebirth with my midwife. We did a few sweeps, lots of sex, clary sage oil on the belly and in the burner, evening primrose oil both ways, lots of walking, curb walking, double stair climbing, dancing, crawling, talking to baby.. Each morning that I woke without contractions felt like a disappointment… But I knew that my body was preparing, slowly slowly opening, ripening, slowly bringing my babe closer and closer.
March 18th –.. contractions that I was having the night before had all but stopped, and I woke up this morning to complete surrender. It was beautiful… there was no other time that surrender could have woken with me, no way to ask for it to come before it was ready- it simply was… surrender woke up with me, and I gave myself to it.
I woke and snuck out of bed, leaving my two loves sleeping.. another early morning before the sun rose.. I lit the candles on my birth altar, I smudged my body, my altar, and my birth pool with white sage and.. I was surrendered to whatever will be, will be. The fog over the frozen ground was lifting. There was something deep within me that felt that I would birth soon after this, a knowing.
My body continued to show signs of it’s slow preparing.. Opening gently.
My parents arrived in Dublin, and were making their way to my side of the country by bus.. We walked down to greet them and came back home. Once they went to bed for a few hours, and Claire went for a nap- I suddenly was able to find a sweet spot to move my body and really feel my body expanding. Feeling my cervix open, this really incredible feeling that was a mixture of pleasure pain. It felt good to move my body into it- I stood with one foot propped up on the hearth of the fireplace, I’d hold onto my man, asking him to be solid. We laughed, and had really beautiful, intimate, light hearted moments of just us.. just being silly.. him making fun of the orgasmic noises I’d make as I’d move into the rhythm of my body expanding. I knew that my body was preparing, but had no idea what to really expect of the night. I sent my midwife a text to let her know that I was having cervical pressure, and that while grinding and moving into it, I felt a sudden *release*, as if babe had clicked right into the perfect position … and following that, I had some more bloody mucus and random waves of contractions.
As soon as everyone woke from their naps, everything stopped.. and I figured that that would be that for the evening, same as others.. I wanted to keep moving, but let midwife know that things had gone quiet now.. I knew that she would be gone at 7am to teach, and let her know that I would most likely wake at around 5-6am and let her know if anything had changed to prepare her for the day…
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Steven and I snuck out on our own and went for a brisk walk around the neighbourhood.. and then down to the local shop and back home again. Everything really just seemed to have settled down, and so we decided to just go to bed.
At around 3:30am I woke from restless sleep, noticing that I was having some pains, moving around in bed to get more comfortable to see if that would help… falling back asleep and waking again.. falling back asleep and waking again. Hmmmm so I decided to start paying attention to the time- and started timing them after 4:15am – 11 minutes apart, lasting over a minute.. then within three contractions it moved to 8 minutes apart. I came downstairs and turned on the oil for the hot water, my parents were already awake- so I let them know that I was just turning it on just in case, and that I was having contractions. I crawled back into bed with steven, squeezing his fingers every time I had a contraction, until I decided that he should go ahead and get up to start filling the pool. I lay in bed with Claire- rocking my body when a contraction would sweep through. The house was awake- both of my parents up.. and my dad started to help boil water and get the pool filled.
I texted my best friend to let her know that contractions were every 8 minutes, lasting a minute.. and that we were staring to fill the pool. That was at 5:20am I let her know that I’d call my midwife when they were five minutes apart, and that I was still totally with it mentally- and in bed with Claire.
We texted back and forth for a while ‘is this really happening today?’ I asked. ‘it is.’ She said. ‘or will things space out as we get up and atmosphere changes?’ I said… as I’d noticed that for a bit my contractions seemed to be a bit more spaced, or maybe I wasn’t paying as much attention to them..
At 5:27am I sent my midwife a text to give her a heads up, doubting that she was awake just yet- and just wanted to text as I didn’t need her at the moment.
At 6:00am things spaced out a bit, Claire and I had gotten up and came downstairs- I was letting steven and my dad know what stuff I needed moved, and where to. I lit the candles on my altar, and I cut up some fruit to eat.. bouncing on my birth ball- while every now and then asking for steven to come, so I could hold his hand through a contraction.
Soon, I told my mom that I needed the tv to be turned off, and I turned a random music player on my phone to play ambient music. After a few minutes I started to feel the need to be alone- just me, steven, and Claire. I asked my mom to go ahead and go upstairs.. I had an overwhelming need to release- I started crying out of happiness- telling steven ‘we’re having our baby today!’ we kissed, I continued rocking on the birth ball- and he had his hands pressed one on my lower back, and one scooped at my lower stomach. There was so much joy, so much love, this felt orgasmic.. I felt so high.
I remember starting to feel like I was going in and out of a la la land- and suddenly really wanted my midwife to be there- asking steven to call her. Claire had his phone, so I sent her a text asking if she would come- she asked if she could call me. Yes… she rang within a minute of the text – to me unable to even say hi, just breathing through a contraction. She said she was on her way, and I continued- my labour song began..
My voice bellowed out beautiful, loud, low oooooooohs.
My mouth loose, I felt like each oooooooh was pushing my cervix wider and wider- each rocking on the ball grinding with it, pushing deeper into the feeling of it
it all felt so good… my body felt divine. Moving on the ball, with stevens hand on my back and my stomach, the pleasure/pain mixture- all of it felt euphoric. When a contraction would end, I started crying the most joyful tears- so excited that we were meeting our baby. This rush of love, of pure ecstasy. Everything felt so good… feeling my cervix expand felt powerful and pleasurable.
the room felt so intimate.. steven meeting my every need so perfectly.. Claire laying on the couch watching cartoons on the phone- not a bother on her at all.. we burst out laughing, laughing so hard at how Claire didn’t care at all at the noises I was making, laughing harder at how we were laughing.. sharing kisses and pressing our foreheads together. Mmmm..
I ate a popscicle, which was so lovely for my lips and mouth.. and steven continued to offer me freezing cold water. And brought me a cold wash cloth for my face and neck.
I asked where sally was, is she coming? Ask her if she’s coming..
steven sent a text to her- YES she said
and soon, I heard the car door outside
and another contraction swept through my body- I sang through it, in my perfect groove with steven while she quietly came in and started setting up her stuff
after the contraction ended, we greeted each other and hugged- and I noticed she was wearing the colours of my spirit babe- red, and purple. (while I unknowingly was wearing the red skirt I laboured in with Claire, and the blue tank top that was the same colour of her as a spirit babe)
The sun was rising and the window was starting to brighten, I had no idea yet that it was also snowing the biggest flakes of the year.. silently drifting down.
The second midwife arrived at some point, shortly after mine- and she quietly let herself in and was so perfectly and fluidly in the background.
I asked if I could get into the pool. It was a bit too hot- so they needed to cool it down, I was fine to wait.. rocking on the ball and singing my labour song. Once I got in and sunk down into it, I was disappointed at how luke warm it felt- I thought that maybe I just wanted it to be scorching hot and that this was the right temperature, but it still felt good to be in
Steven and I kissed… we made out. I wanted every bit of him, wanted more and more of him. Feeling so good kissing him through a contraction… Feeling my baby opening my body more- moaning into his mouth and kissing him deeper. I think this is one of my favourite memories, sharing this intimacy with him- so completely tangled up together.
I started feeling some pressure and asked for help getting out of the pool and to the toilet. Having a contraction in the hall on my way there, and then two on the toilet that I really.. really REALLY hated. I wanted to get up- but started feeling like I was going to throw up, and waited for a bucket. And then said ‘I don’t want to be here..’ on the toilet- ugh. I got out of the bathroom and had a contraction in the hallway- and then climbed back into the pool. Ahhhh it was lovely- they were busy pouring more hot water into the pool and it was perfect.
My labour song continued- longer moans, holding onto my mans hand.. having him feed me ice cold water from a straw…
Claire toddled around, coming to the side of the pool to see how things were, asking questions- I was able to be in the middle of rhythm of a contraction and still be fully present with her when needed. I never checked out, which was lovely- one foot firmly in both worlds.
Soon, I could feel my body expanding, baby descending through my hips- opening wider and wider. My body ‘pushing’ without my effort.. still, it didn’t feel like a pushing- just a slow descending/opening/fullness .
I reached down to feel, and could feel the silky softness of baby’s head inside the bag of water, just a finger tip away from the world
I talked to baby, and felt so full of love
A few contractions later ‘ow ow ow.. it burns… it hurts it hurts it hurts’
I knew that baby wasn’t crowning yet, the burn felt a bit higher inside- and instead of it feeling like the baby’s head was coming, it felt more like the intense pressure of the bag of water bulging.
I remember one really beautiful contraction that hurt, looking into my midwife’s eyes while I tried to calm my breath.. her eyes held so much- they were strong and told me I was doing just fine, they held empathy and understanding.. her eyes never left mine as I held onto them until the contraction left..
My labour song began to change, from a deep moan, to a broken guttural moan- and changed again to higher pitched as the water broke
My midwife told me to sit more foreword, that babe’s head was about to touch the bottom of the pool. I leaned forward and felt between my legs- surprised to be met with the fullness of my baby’s silky head. Oh…oh oh baby
My body pushed again and I felt the twist of shoulders, down to the detail of arms and legs leaving.. feeling every bit of my babe as they slipped out, passed between my legs, and scooped by my hands up to my chest.
‘you’re so tiny!’ oh… so tiny, little blue baby
I started to instinctively blow on my babe’s face while the midwife grabbed a bit of oxygen to bring them around, a bit out of it, but nothing alarming, nothing I worried at all about. I noticed the squish between my hands ‘it’s a boy!’ I announced, without having to look.. oh. My baby my baby, you’re so tiny! He quickly came around and let out a beautiful cry
Claire stood at the side of the pool watching me give birth to him, upset- only for the moment that my labour song changed to a higher pitched wail- and then she changed to amazement and excitedly exclaiming ‘baby! Baby! It’s a baby!’ pushing her dad out of the way to get a closer look.
I held onto him, and with help- climbed out of the pool and lay on the couch with him, while we all got a look and I delivered the placenta. When the cord stopped pulsing, steven cut it.. and he was suddenly part of the world.
mmmm… my baby boy.
Born at 8:58am, weighing 7.5 lbs, born about an hour and a half after midwife arrived, and every bit perfect.
I ended up needing to transfer to the hospital to get a better look at how I tore, and be stitched up. My midwife came along with us and held my hand- while steven held our boy the entire time.. it was then, that we decided on his name.. Jack Henry Darcy. Mmm. What a strong name. Something that I can imagine him perfectly as a wee boy, my little pirate. A name that will carry him as a teen, a young man, a gentleman, an old man..
He is my dream…
We left the hospital and left that experience behind us- I wouldn’t even consider it part of the birth story.. it just was a non-issue.. no bearing on the euphoric birth that we had just experienced. we came home and continued were we left off in our babymoon. The house was already cleaned up and put back together.
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The birth… I just can’t get over it. The labour and birth was more than I could have ever imagined.. it was so blissful, so happy, so intimate, so powerful, so so good… there was never a moment when I felt that I couldn’t do it, never a moment that I would describe as ‘painful’, never a moment when I would have felt I needed anything other than my man by my side. I felt like a goddess. My body moved and sang and birthed. I have been high ever since.
A SON.. my son. I can’t stop looking at him, in love with him.. oh. Oh oh.