i'm currently offering free shipping on all orders placed in my etsy shop, from now through the holidays. la la la
i was going through my pictures from this time last year, was going to post a picture of pumpkin pie and talk about my love for it. and how it didn't smell like thanksgiving without having the scent of cinnamon wafting through my house. oh well. it isn't thanksgiving here, so that is that. (it didn't stop me from making a mini thanksgiving feast for us though)
instead, i got so lost and caught up in pictures of my niece… sigh.
and my heart skipped a beat.
because i can't even tell you how much i love this girl…
from when she was a baby and i got to hold her in my arms. god…she was the most beautiful baby i had ever seen. and i know that people can say that all they want about their own family, but seriously? no… this girl. she was. is. the most beautiful girl in the world.
she is my heart. she owned me from the beginning…
she owns steven too…
and that just makes me melt even more.
remember when i was doing that 'grateful daily' thing? (it was inspired by this yummy goddess)
well… as you are aware- i am not so good with following through with projects.. that's not the point though.
the act of taking the time each day, or every other day- to remember what i am grateful for really brings everything into perspective.
suddenly shitty little things don't matter any more. your entire day can be shifted from bad to wonderful…
my sweet friend, deb is the queen of bringing it back to the earth, to the heart and soul… she is light. you won't catch her complaining about anything- without finishing it off with 'but i am so grateful for this.'
she inspires me to remember to do this. she makes me want to be better.
it's not like she's overly cheerful happy happy sunshine… she's real, and genuine. has dealt with things that a lot of people don't have to deal with, and things that many others do-she just chooses to deal with them differently. to see the greater picture- or to remind herself when things start to get hectic and crazy of what she has- and it grounds her, and makes her appreciate everything even more.
and with that- she is light, her soul is intoxicating. she is so yummy.
she honours the light inside you, believes in you, coaches you.
she makes the chaos calm down, and put you back in your place gently. and i love it… and i want to learn from it.
i am learning from it.
i have so much to be thankful for, and i think it is in good practice to find a time, a moment, a thought- each day to bring things back to us. to now. to remember what we are grateful for. to find a blessing in everything.
rather than waiting all year (for those who celebrate thanksgiving) to have an excuse to remember.
—
although, i'm having a hard time finding the blessing in these pimples that just popped up on my cheek. deb?
baaah!
comments are still not working, or randomly working. we're scratching our heads, and butts trying to understand this miscommunication between the internetz and my comment form page.
how do i word this…. uhhh i'm sitting here staring at the screen, little blinking line- with tons of random thoughts going through my mind- wanting to just splooge them all and that's that. no tie in from one to the next. no story. just bam bam baaam. can i do that? is that okay? will you forgive me? of course you will, you have no choice-and no comment box in which to tell me to shut.up. ha!
you may e-mail that to me instead.
here it goes.
'speaking of bras' is how it started off in my head. but we weren't speaking of bras. i just thought it was a clever tie in with the tit.le. nevermind.. AHEM. continuing.
is there any better feeling than taking your bra off at the end of the day? mmm seriously. my boobs are getting all anxious and excited just thinking about it.
there's something about women, and their traditions of bra-ness that is super sweet to me. like.. when you're young and you watch your mom put on her bra in the morning before work- how elegant and classy she is- how beautiful she is. how she gracefully slips this thing on- and how THAT is womanhood to you. that, and shaving your legs. and panty hose. anyway- the bra. it's like a secret society that you want to get in on. you're there wishing that you'd just grow boobs already so you can have one. you find out that there's a few girls that are wearing them in class… le sigh. and then your day comes when you go with your mom, or some other woman figure- to get your first bra. and it's exciting and like a sweet little tradition, a step into womanhood. and it's a secret, it's just yours. no one knows that secretly, under your clothes- you are a woman.
la la laaa bliss.
aren't training bras so sweet? am i the only one? ..is this mic on?
anyway. whatever. what i am saying is that the training bra is the first piece that starts you on your journey into the secret, seductive world that is the woman.
and i'm also saying that once you are there, it feels damn good to take that piece of shit off at the end of the day.
end thought.
moving on…
looking at some more paintings of the past year- and am still missing their funky, sexy, stylish yum.
i don't know what your thoughts are on her… and i don't even mind if you can't stand her. that's fine with me. because i lalalalove her! she's grungy hippy sofuckingcool i want to be her friend, i want to be like her. i want to be her. sigh. painting girl, won't you be my friend and teach me the way of your ness?
end scene.
perhaps i'll save the rest of the mess in my head for another time?
until then…
ta-ta.
i am taking off my bra.
anyone wanna scratch my back?
(again. i'm sorry about the comment thing. i'm really trying to figure it out, but my technical support man (husband) is bewildered and cute. hopefully it will get fixed soon. you can always contact me on the contact form *which is a private e-mail to me.* or e-mail me directly at edarcy@starvingartistink.com)
-edited to add- i am getting all of your comments. they are appearing. some people are having problems wherein they click the comment part- and it just… doesn't do anything. the jerk! it just goes bloopbloopbloop thinkiiinnnng no. so they don't even get a chance to write a comment, let alone press send. sorry to those. i love you?
i woke up to a phone call from my momma this morning. which was lovely. we normally talk on skype, there was just something nice about being on the phone though. maybe it's less distractions. (even though near the end you weren't paying attention to me and started watching t.v. …that's okay.)
we discussed this painting- and how i had posted it online, asking people to give name suggestions.
to me, this piece is all about holding onto your baby. sweet tender moments- soaking it all in. holding tight and cherishing how your babe still fits into your arms, or still asks for cuddles… or is just. to me- it is all about holding onto those moments, before your babe's spirit gets big, and grows wings of her own…
my mama summed it up pretty well- 'how about, Don't Get Used to This, Because I Will Find Me an Irishman and Leave You…'
ha!
yes..pretty much that is exactly what i was thinking about when i finished this painting.
i tell all of my friends with children, especially girls- to not let them fall in love with a man from another country. it's so romantic and wonderful and adventurous and such a fairy tale… it's amazing, and worth it. it enriches your life, it opens your mind. but oh my goodness it is not easy on anyone.
it wasn't easy being apart- and it is a struggle in finding the balance between where we belong- who's family we leave behind. perhaps giving up both and being our own little family, our own little country. but that still.. it isn't easy on either of our mamas. and the holidays just make it plain shitty.
even so.
la la laaaa
i live in a magic land with my soul mate.
but when i have children, they will not be allowed to be in love with someone 5,000 miles away from me. nooope. sorry!
moving on.
i've been wanting to paint something for us. something meaningful for the process of letting go. whether that involves mourning, or giving up something that isn't good for you… i want it to be very feminine and powerful, and gentle…and i want it to speak to many.
mamas of infertility, mamas of miscarriage, mamas of lost babies, mamas with hope, and beauty, and life. –of course they don't have to represent mamas.. just the woman. -it's just where my head space and heart space are right now.
we all have things to let go of, we all have things that we need to forgive. (ourselves mostly…)
anyway, i'll share it with you whenever it comes.
i know that i have a lot of mamas and babies, and round bellies with ridiculously pointed nipples (which i love so). i've always been drawn to that- the mama. the body of a woman…
sometimes when i paint them (the mamas) i think of them as a symbol of hope to me. last night i realised that i have three pregnant bellied women in my bedroom- but nothing that represents all of this process to me, for me- and for other women.
if you have any ideas swirling in your head, drop me a line.
*oh also! some people have mentioned to me that they aren't able to comment. if that is the case- please let me know! because i would love to hear from you. you can always contact me directly via the contact page form (it is a private message) or you can e-mail me at edarcy@starvingartistink.com
yes i know it says 'i stink'…
sigh.
shit.
you know, i hear that some bloggers never ever go back and read what they wrote? guess what… they know what's good for them.
mmm erin, you're so cool.
so here's what's up.
1. there is a dead spider on the wall in our bathroom. he was giant- he was sitting there waiting when we returned from the states. i screamed calmly told steven to come and dispose of the beast… he fought a hard battle in there, but it ended quickly- he said that the spider crawled into a hole and we'd have to wait for him to come out….
guess what?
that was like.. three weeks ago? that wasn't a hole. it just looks like it. it's its giant body- with its legs dangling out.. that make it appear to be a spider hiding in a hole with its legs hanging out.
2. girl crushes. oh woah… they are like the best and worst type of crushes to have. 'does she like me as much as i like her? what if i tell her i like her and she doesn't like me as much? what if she finds out what i am really like and then changes her mind?' oh woe is meeee…. play it cool erin. you idiot..
i was not cut out for dating.
3. i figured it out. i am a fucking genius. i realised what i do. why this cycle continues to loop over and over. i'm feeling goooood la la laa oh i'm so positive, baby shit? i don't even care about that- laaaa… and then suddenly i'm all dark and depressed and clawing at myself and everyone? well, besides hormones… er..
- let it go every.day – i notice that i'm all good and positive and thinking wonderful yummy fluffy thoughts for my womb and the baby that will grow there. and then randomly a thought will fly in there that wasn't supposed to be. some shitty ugly negative doubt. and i'll swat it away- but it'll still be there. floating around somewhere. and every day this will happen. until soon enough it's all just building up. and i'm getting more heavy and sluggish and bitchy.
and then i burst out crying because i'm never gonna have a baaaaaybeeeee
and i tell the whole world. and they listen and shake their heads and hold me and pat my hair
and then i'm better.
…because i emotionally threw up all over you.
i'm going to try not to do that as often. bear with me. (i never know if it's bear or bare… affect/effect… i could go on and on)
4. note to self. i want to learn to be more witty. especially through type. this just reverts back to girl crush. sigh…
i’ve been trying to figure out how to write this for the past week or so… it’s just that i don’t know how to put it into words, and… i also just don’t know what i’m doing..
i’m stumbling.
i’ve come a long way from the first fears of infertility, and the first diagnosis of PCOS. i’ve learned a lot of things along the way… i’ve learned to let go of a lot of negative feelings surrounding (in)fertility. jealousy is a big one, a nasty one… and it’s best to let that go in the beginning- because what comes after jealousy is guilt, and that’s a terrible thing to live with.
i let go of the ‘it’s not fair’- the ‘why me’ because right now, i choose to see it as an opportunity for myself, and for other women…
great things in life are worth fighting for, and this is a fight… this is a battle. this is a long path with many thorns. and in the end-i know that it’s so worth it. whether you carry your baby and birth him yourself, or you are handed your babe from other arms… that journey is so worth it.
i have good days, and i have really…really bad days.
and i don’t always remember to be gentle to myself through this process. this is the most important piece of the story.
–
this month was the last month that i took fertility drugs. i have been on them for the past three months (which doesn’t sound like that long, but it took a few months of prep to get there…and god do these months go by slow when you’re waiting for a time to find out if your body takes, or bleeds. again….be gentle…be patient.)
i decided that right now, i’d let this be the last month of those chemicals for a little while… i’d give myself a break. a chance to breathe… i’d ‘let go’….
i feel like i’m struggling with the letting go part… that i don’t know how to do it right. that i don’t know how to not let this consume me. that i don’t know if i am allowed to talk about it, write about it, think about it.
so last night i was looking into getting some smudge sticks. maybe smudging myself would help lift some of this heavy energy from my center.
while i was looking into smudge sticks, i came across this article : love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, be good to yourself.
and while i have always really tried to reinforce those lessons, it’s easy to get lost on the way. so i’d like to add one more to her list- give yourself permission.
this is a big one for me- one that i am all about in all areas in life (and one that i forget from time to time)
give yourself permission to feel whatever comes, you’ve never been down this path before-if you’re repeating a second round of a fertility journey-babies and their stories of how they come into this world are unique, and so is your experience.
give yourself permission to cry. give yourself permission to break rules (hell. set the rules). give yourself permission to fail sometimes… give yourself permission to not know how to do this… give yourself permission.
i think we all need these reminders from time to time…
–
i know that one day i will be looking back at this time from the other side. i'll be tired and worn out, i'll be changing shitty diapers and cleaning up mess after mess. i won't have as many moments to myself, and i'll want my body back to myself. i know that one day i will look back at this time, and space, and this girl that i am today- and wish that i would have been more gentle with her, more kind, more patient, more of a friend.
it's a dark and blustery night, or else i would have taken pictures of the bits of paper with each persons name who left a comment on the give away/swap post.
and i decided to pull two names!
congratulations to….
laaa. i hope you aren't music snobs (eep!).
i will e-mail you both and let you know the details of our swappity swap. please make sure to check your spam, as my e-mail loooves to end up in the junk pile. ;-/
–
meanwhile.
1. A dosser in your own clothes, 2. elvyra, 3. poster, 4. sunday morning: ZED 360.365, 5. the leaves, 6. The go-wherever-you-want boat, 7. Eleanor Roosevelt, 8. little villages, 9. Untitled, 10. oh, honey honey., 11. us, 12. banana oat muffins
i am looking forward to…
bundling up to go to the post office and ship pieces to their new homes.
painting
waiting for the postman to bring this book to me (i've been waiting for.forever.)
watching home for the holidays 'with' my mom on wednesday. (we'll be watching it across the ocean.. but at the same time with each other in mind) p.s. i think we should have a movie marathon and watch while you were sleeping as well.
making a small little thanksgiving meal with steven. it will be my first to ever make as our own tradition.
lighting the first fire in our fireplace.
what are you looking forward to this week?
sometimes it's all about confidence.
they say that if you are in a bad mood- and force yourself to smile- you can actually improve your mood and clear away that negative energy.
…i'm not so great about faking it.
mood. confidence. anything.
i am driven by my emotions (which i love.. but also. woah. crazy town. calm down..)
but most times our work is driven by confidence (who am i kidding, everything is). whether you are a writer, photographer, musician, whatever it is that you do… confidence in yourself, in your craft, in your ability- and in the final product makes you more productive, and inspires you to continue on.
you have a bad day at a shoot, nothing went to plan and the light was really bad…
you go through a dry spell… you feel nothing- you can't seem to get out of it…
it all throws you off.
your muse has flourished with someone else, and left her favourite seat in your house dusty and depressing.
you pick through paintings, pictures, books…wishing you could figure out how they did it. hating your style and wanting theirs…
you start to think that maybe it'd be different if you had _____.
gone to an art school
better equipment
cute clothes
money
a designated studio
(fill in le blank with your own excuse.. that i am sure we all have used.)
remind yourself that:
we all have to start out at some point.
there is always someone better than you, and someone worse.
this is a phase, a natural cycle.. and this too shall pass
the more you work.struggle.fight for something- the more rewarding it is in the end.
someone already admires the work you do… (really. i promise. it might surprise you-but it's true)
believe in yourself, in your talent, in your work- so others can believe in you too. (which is so easier said than done… it's a process…)
now pick yourself up off of the floor.
find someone you admire online- and go through their archives and see where they began. it's hilarious, and such sweet medicine. oh god is it ever good… (just don't go through mine. pretty please. eep!)
you see where they started.. and how it was… well. not so great. and you see the time line of a year.. two years… and how far it has taken them.
and then i want you to go through your own 'archives' -old journals that make you cringe, but realise how much you have changed in the years… photos you took that you can't believe you charged money for…one of the first paintings you ever did that you loved.
and then you'll see the growth. the story. the progression.
and if that doesn't work in building some confidence in your craft?
call a friend and go to the movies.
pick up something you have never tried before and do it
bake some brownies. they can be special if that helps…
look up people you went to highschool with and make fun of them. (i'm kidding.. kind of. not really kidding at all..)
the point is.. do something that makes you feel good. do something for yourself. do something to pass the time instead of dwelling on it. just. do. something.
and before you know it
a little peak in confidence, and that controlling little muse will be pounding on your doorstep begging you to spend time with her.
(can you tell that i threw a hissy fit recently over my lack of muse? ha! she came back…like she always does.)
the minx.
*drawing names tomorrow night for the giveaway/swap*
my side of the country is under water. i secretly love it (only because there is no chance of water flooding through my front door… er.. sorry to those that have living room pools..)
i guess i'm weird, but my thought is- it isn't JUST rain.. normal blah drizzle.. it's SOMETHING.
like when it snows and it doesn't stick? well that isn't exciting- not in the least.
it has to snow and snow and close schools…
maybe it's perverse- secretly loving natural disasters. i know that plenty of people are frightened by it- and they have every right to. it's dangerous. people are losing so much, their homes, er… sometimes more. oh god. this sounds so bad of me doesn't it?!
there's just something thrilling about it to me.
the smell in the air when a tornado is about to pull down from the sky… the way the air splits during a lightning storm…
the silence that settles during an ice storm. everything pristine. preserved. stuck under thick layers of ice.
the magic of fresh snow, glistening in the sun. untouched and perfect.
and then snowploughs come in and dirty the snow, fire fighters come in and pump out the water.
all for the better, i know.
but it takes the excitement away.
the ice melts and leaves the dead grass muddy.
and everything goes back to normal.
