my newest nephew…
born this morning by caesarean section at 7:27 a.m.
all 7 pounds and 1 ounce, for good measure.
i just got to see him on webcam, in the hospital room.. and he is so absolutely beautiful. it makes me cry at just how gorgeous he is… wishing that i could hold him, and smell him.
so happy for the newest addition to our clan… mr. parker thomas.
i struggle between being a creator and a business woman.
when i was younger, i wanted to go to an art school. i never had intentions or ideas of making a career out of creating, because it just didn't seem feasible. i only wanted to go for myself, for my passion.
i ended up not going-it was either a summer in RISD or a chance at life with my husband-knowing that art school is always available.
and here i am, with my husband… making art. and making a bit of money out of it.
first, i have to say-that it is such an amazing feeling, knowing that your work is hanging in someone else's house. and not just friends and families houses, but strangers and people who call themselves fans-who live near and far. paintings that they ask for, for their children… knowing that my work will be part of a memory in their lives. something they connect with. it's such a powerful and overwhelming feeling.
so what's the problem?
oh dear… the business part.
the setting value and worth to yourself as an artist, marketing a business out of your creations. setting your passionate and emotional state to the side. to talk business and money, to talk opportunities. to hold the sparkly eyes of excitement from a potential client-and hope to god that you won't hit a dry spell, that you can still give them what they want-and better than they imagine.
i'm a yes person. i like to appease and make people happy. i like to give myself and go to no end to make sure that you're happy, enjoying whatever, comfortable.
i struggle with my self worth and value.
i struggle with capping my emotions when it comes into business relationships. how do you draw the fine line?
i struggle with expectations and overwhelming anxiety. fears of failure-of letting someone down. of not getting it just right. of not being as good as they had hoped and imagined.
i'm trying to learn to keep my blinders on. to pick and choose words that work, and let the rest fall away until i'm ready for them…
how do you find balance in what you do?
brownies are my vice.
oh those evil chocolate better-than-cake squares that hug you, and kiss you, and make all right in the world.
amen.
anyway. so brownies. i'm used to making them out of the box, add oil and water- and viola!
then, there was an even BETTER invention. pillsbury came out with brownies in a tube that you just…squezz (pronounce it that way. it's fun) into the pan, smooth out and bake.
well… we just don't have that fancy devil worshipping pillsbury brownie stuff here. and while you CAN get a box of brownie mix, it is pretttty expensive-AND you have to add eggs.
so i decided i wanted to try to make my own.
these aren't just right yet, maybe i over cooked them.. maybe i should follow the directions properly. needless to say, they were DELICIOUS. scrumptious. little pieces of heaven, endorsed by the devil. and they fit so nice and cute up on my hips. it will come back in fashion one day…
here's how i do it
okay, so that is what i SHOULD have done… had i had all of the ingredients. but why would i? why would i think about preparing this BEFORE i did my shop. baah. pish posh!
for the 5 ounces of semisweet, or bittersweet chocolate chips– i chopped half a bar of hersheys dark chocolate.
don't scream at me. i know it isn't what the rule books are calling for. but it's all i haaaad!
and then i made a run for the shop before they closed, because i had 1 drop of vanilla extract. that little bottle is a nuisance. she's made a mess all up in my cupboards. i guess she got tipsy and fell over and spewed her guts. that's another story. BUT OF COURSE the shop didn't have extract… only essence.
i didn't have google at that moment to tell me if it was okay, so i just assumed it would. later i found out that it is perfectly fine-but that essence is just man-made crap, while extract is the real deal. learned.
and then we get down to the optional extra semi-sweet chocolate chips.
i should just tell you right now that it is not optional.
you will be missing out on some major goodness if you skip that part.
only…
like this girl mentioned earlier, she didn't have chocolate chips-and didn't even THINK to pick up any while at the emergency store getting essence… SO…
she chopped up two snack sized mars bars.
(i went back and chopped these down the middle to make them into tiny tiny tiiiiny little squares.
oookay. now we are ready for our other stuff.
melt the butter and chocolate chips-fancy places will tell you to do it in a bowl, over a boiling pot of water. …i put the butter in the microwave and then stirred in my 'chocolate chips' to melt.
once it has combined, add your sugar and cocoa powder.
stir stir.
next is your extract or essence…
and add one egg at a time, making sure to mix well before adding the next.
combine your flour and salt and shtirrr it all up.
don't forget to add those not-optional chocolate pieces!
after you get it all mixed up, spray or butter your tin. 9 inch whatever. i used what i had. –a round 9 inch cake tin.
our lesson here today is IMPROVISE.
our other lesson is that it's okay to lick the spoon, even though there are raw eggs in there. they are stirred in-so it doesn't count.
bake in your (pre-heated) oven at 350F or 177C for thirty minutes.
survey the mess… and get your maid to clean it.
i had a kind bone in my body yesterday, so i decided to help her…
test it with a toothpick, if it comes out gooey, clean-and test one more spot.
i failed to do this.. and didn't realise until after that i must have met one of those not-optional chocolate melty gooey devilish pieces.
i turned off the oven, and let the brownies sit in there for a bit. then i took them out, and realised that i was a duped.
and then i popped those little brats out. (i used some parchment paper on the bottom of my tin. i recommend. it was amazing.)
let them cool, or, if you are like me…let them be hot-and cut them up.
NOW let them cool, because they won't taste as good hot. i promise. they need some coolth so you can really taste the chocolate.
okay… so they don't look like brownies. they look like cakownies. (do you see that melty oh-my-thighs bit there? that's the mars bar melted. it has CARAMEL. hallelujah!)
next time. i won't bake them for so long.
and i will also beg you to spread some german chocolate cake frosting all over the tops of these… oh. oh please.
i promise i will do that next time-i just found a really simple recipe for it. weeeeee!
enjoying… reading a book and napping.
excited…for the upcoming adventures of my best friend!
eating… roasted chicken, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob… followed by home-made brownies (recipe tomorrow!)
thinking… about how the journey changes…how the voices and emotions calm each others worries. how growth is inevitable. how far i've come, and how far i have to go.
thankful… that it doesn't get hotter than this.. it's hot, but it could be worse.
wishing…for water. to swim in, become part of.
everything has slowed down, it feels… or maybe sped up. i'm not really sure. it's a mix between lazy long days, and activity that passes the day in a blur.
i haven't painted in a long while… and though i need to (a commission piece), there is just no way for my hands to play against paper.
–
every month i go through a phase, as if i were a normal woman with a cycle. only my cycle consists of binge and purging everything to do with fertility, birth, and children. at the beginning, i am calm, my thoughts play in the intimate sweetness of just the two of us. thankful for our lazy days of enjoying us, of not having an intense responsibility, of being able to wander when, and far as i please… of having time-and realising that i am not as old as i worry. the days pass by, and i begin to notice the empty space in my arms that would hold a child, notice the quiet at night-that would be full of the sounds of a sleeping babe. i take glance at myself in the mirror and see the body that could be swollen and round. all of this, very gentle, and loving… calm.. collected. (though in the past, the phase of when the baby stuff would start to come into play, i'd start getting eager-like a child begging 'i want it now. i want it now') and then there is around a week of immersing myself in birth stories online, envisioning it for myself.. of reading parenting issues-both good and bad. of studying methods for this and that. and then, following-comes the mourning. in a normal case, i'd at least have some physical evidence to mourn. but there is nothing. only time. and the cycle begins again.
i've noticed how lately those childish begging voices from deep inside me are soothed by another voice, a calm knowing- saying 'not yet… but you will.' 'nearly… a few more months. your babe isn't ready yet.'
and with her soothing, i can give a slight smile-and know that she speaks the truth and sees the future. telling me to slow down and cherish what i have now, before i know chaos, before i know that love.
more of this session here…
here's a bit of a peek at what i was up to today….
i'm still editing… but i couldn't help but share at least one.
joanna is such a wonderful little mama. she struggled for a while to get pregnant, and the odds were against her of carrying this little bean. but they made it.
he was my first real newborn session. and while i didn't know exactly what i was doing at that time, she was just there.. thrilled and excited and wonderful. so relaxed…
today is the follow up a year later. that little sleepy baby grew into this gorgeous cheeky little booger. flashing smiles and crawling/walking SO fast.
but oh it is so my favourite. such a good age… so fun to capture all those little faces and quirks.
we rolled around in the grass.. played with the puppy. giggled a lot. and cooled off with an ice cream sandwich.
i can't wait to show you the rest!
joanna is a photographers dream come true. she just rolls with it.. does whatever you ask, and if you don't ask of anything? she does that as well… just does, normal… natural. and that is EXACTLY what i want.
i have such a difficult time directing people, wanting things to be natural… wanting people to just do what they do-so i can follow them, and capture the art that makes their life… the bits that they forget to notice.
she also has confidence in me.
and boy does that help. not second guessing anything i do, or ask. always trusting.
: )
it feels so good to have had a few sessions. hoping to have a few more soon!
'if you make a very opinionated statement, and then get defensive when people respond…
well you can't have it both ways. if you say (or do) something controversial, you're going to get feedback. that's just how life works.'
to be an artist is to be…
self.
a journey
observant
objective
opinionated
open minded
free
restrained
confrontational
controversial
pushing the boundaries…
staying true-to oneself-always.* through the journey.
if you are going to make art, and be brave enough to share it with the world… you have to be prepared for feedback, criticism. with the good comes the bad, and the bad are always very ugly…
*staying true to oneself, always…to me is-never forgetting who you are. who lives deep inside…your morals, values, hopes and dreams. through whatever journeys you travel, whatever mediums you explore… through whatever periods of inspiration and depths and waves of that lacking… there is growth, but growth always comes from a seed… and that seed is always from deep within you. home. the source. the beginning and end.
—
you cannot fail, until you allow yourself to succeed.
pushing the boundaries makes the world go 'round… it broadens minds. changes opinions…teaches lessons. forces change and possibilities.
—
if you're a creative… well then, you can't possibly imagine what it is like to go a day without being consumed by thoughts of your work and passion…
but what you don't stop to see is how difficult it is for someone who doesn't have that passion-to understand yours… just as you can't understand their lack…
and if you are not a creative, you cannot possibly imagine how intense and powerful and overwhelming the urge to do…whatever it is you are called to do. to go without fresh air, and food, and sleep- because you are merely a puppet for the Creative that runs through you… that even when she's away, your mind is waiting for the next.. preparing for the next… wishing and craving for the next wave to come crash down.
and you don't know how difficult it is to share the pieces that your soul created… open to inturpretation. or how harsh the critiscim feels, like a fresh cut and salt on the wound.
—
i wish we could all play nicely with our words…
but you can't have it both ways…
i'm feeling completely at peace.
so any of you following along in my fertility journey… i went in today to meet with a specialist and finally get a solid bit of answers.
wanting a baby or not, it's important to take care of yourself, to take care of what makes you a woman… to understand what is going on with your body, especially when there is something off.
today, i was finally able to have a full diagnosis, and sit in a beautiful room with a doctor who listened, asked questions, and gave me answers.
i had an ultra sound scan done today- they were able to show me the cysts in my ovaries, but he was very confident that with treatment i would be able to get pregnant. PCOS, he said- is the best thing to have if you do have any fertility issues. the most easily treated, and high success rates.
it's amazing to me, that since i began this journey in 2007-the amount of women i have learned, in my little circle, that have PCOS, or some other (in)fertility issue.
it's all still such an emotional roller coaster. lying on the bed, i was expecting to hear those words… last week i wondered if i should prepare myself for something worse. and even though i was 99.9% confident that it would be polycystic ovaries, it didn't stop be from feeling a bit weepy seeing that there…
right now, i feel calm… collected. peaceful. in no rush.
i feel like there is a plan, and if that one doesn't work, there is a back-up, and another back-up, and another back-up. and that i have finally found someone who is confident in me, and willing to help.
and i feel that all i need right now is the confidence in myself.
i think i can start to try that approach. : )
that remind me of my papa….
vintage/retro diner coffee cups. he drinks out of the same coffee cup every time, and it is only washed occasionally. i always try to keep my eye out for a good cup to claim as my own.
biscuits and gravy. his is legendary. the best. it doesn't get better. nope. and it is the ultimate comfort food…
pipes. he only smokes his occasionally. but the smell is so good…plus i think it's awfully cute.
astrology. the night sky always reminds me of papa. if i had money, i'd buy a ticket for him to travel to outer space…
knife sharpened pencils. because it's the way he always did it. (and how i always do it now) he used to carve beautiful faces in wood.
thunder and lightning storms. because i could sit outside, silence between us… both just breathing in the scent of a good heavy rain.
greece. he lived in greece when he was a young boy. i'd love to go there with him.
peanut butter in celery sticks. we both have the same taste in a lot of food. some food that was rarely brought in the house because he and i were out numbered in some tastes.
wineries. when i was a little girl, he worked at a winery in washington state. i got to go to work with him and would spend the days running around, chasing after peacocks and geese.
butterfly kisses. eskimo kisses. and bear hugs.
i'm slowly gathering the ingredients to make…something. bread, pizza dough, muffins. what have you. i collect recipes on the computer-if i read something that sounds good, i'll store it away for a day when i decide i cannot go on living until i make this.
i have many of those… obviously the day hasn't come, so they still sit and wait for me.
last night i wanted brownies… cake… sweet. SOMETHING.
so i scoured the internet for recipes that didn't need eggs. i found plenty- but those needed vinegar, or condensed milk, or some other odd ingredient that i just didn't have.
so i kind of.. just… did it.
i used what i had… and what i ended up with tastes pretty good the next day. i think that bit of information is key. it tastes SO good the next day.
in a bowl, use a fork to mix together flour, salt, cocoa, soda and salt.
in a separate container, combine water, vegetable oil (i had sunflower oil) and vanilla.
combine the two together and stir until mixed. the mixture is a bit thick and somewhat sticky. i added a splash or two of milk. just enough to make the batter runny.
this cake isn't sweet, so get a bar of milk chocolate, or what i had on hand- a bar of dark chocolate, chop it up and throw it in the mix.
i knew ahead that it wasn't going to be super chocolatey, and since chocolate peanut oat (no bake cookies) are super chocolatey with peanut butter, i went ahead and put a few spoonfuls of peanut butter into a bowl, popped it into the microwave for a few seconds until it was liquid, and combined into the batter.
grease your cake tin, next time i will put parchment paper on the bottom… but this was nothing fancy. it was late night, and cravings.
pop in the oven to bake. i had to bake some pizzas at the same time, so i wasn't too worried about the temp. i kept it at 200 C for a while for the oven to be nice and hot, once the edges started to get firm, i reduced the heat to about 150C until the middle firmed. it baked for at least 45 minutes. but i made sure to check it often.
let it cool.
if i had powdered sugar, i would have made a frosting for it. but i didn't. you might. do whatever you feel really.
i could have added some cinnamon to the batter.. or anything.. coconut, grated apples, apple sauce… a tin of cherries. frozen strawberries. anything.
it makes for an incredibly dense chocolate cake. almost brownie light, but crumble enough to still be a cake.
go ahead and double the recipe if you'd like.
i think this would be perfect to make into mini muffins. just the right size bite for such rich chocolate taste.
be sure to serve with some ice cold milk. : )
