approaching the beginning

yesterday was just the beginning of this birth process… i knew that i had to get out what i was feeling. that i needed to spend the day crying when i wanted- and laughing with my love inbetween that… that i needed to find what hidden fears i had stored away, and what trust i have in knowing that i am strong, and that i can do all of this- regardless of how it's presented…

yesterday was a day of cleansing. i went to the shop and bought tons of cleaning supplies and scrubbed my floors until my back hurt. i scrubbed the kitchen, the toilets. dusted, swept, mopped. i shaved my legs for the last time while being pregnant…

i confided in friends, and i spilled to the internet.

all i needed was to be heard. to be understood… to know that nothing i felt is wrong.

i felt like all i really needed was to cry. to go over what the possibilities are… to go over what is going to happen with this birth- and the days that follow. i felt like all i really needed was to cry- because this body of life is ending, and a new one begins…  i sit, running my hand across my belly- feeling every little movement she makes… i stand there, holding a secret deep inside- my secret. our secret. our baby… my family…

and i made peace last night, at 3am. with all of it. with however it unfolds. i accepted, embraced, and let go. i'm at peace…

these are the last moments i'll have with my baby safe inside me…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 13 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

nearing the end

…sigh.

i'm trying. so very trying. it seems to be a roller coaster. changing by the hour. at one moment i'm feeling fine, hopeful, and sometimes very just… 'over it' and couldn't really care.
and then.. that flips. and i'm desperate. restless.. upset. done.

and i don't want to spend the last days of this pregnancy feeling bitchy and desperate.

i don't want to talk or think about it any more… but what else is there to think about? finding something to distract myself only lasts so long before i'm sitting here, dwelling.

dates have come and gone. due dates. prediction dates. the only date left is the final date- the induction one. where i'll be officially 15 days 'over' due. a date set with the midwife for early wednesday morning.

i go to bed each night thinking 'okay.. maybe i'll wake up in the middle of the night with a contraction' only to wake up in the morning without even the slightest cramp. still pregnant.. still. so very pregnant.

i know that it's only a few days, that i will have her in my arms and all of this will feel so very ridiculous. but that's just it- i will have her in my arms.
and right now i don't.
right now i'm trying to find as much patience as i can.

–

i don't want to be induced..
i had hoped to labour at home for as long as possible before making the journey to the hospital.. to be able to move about my own home as i need… to take a shower in my shower. sit on my toilet. curl up in my bed with my husband… to be able to move freely, eat what i want, wear whatever clothes- or no clothes- however i feel most comfortable.

but the induction date approaches. drugs that force your body into opening without it's consent. one thing that could lead to another and another- that i don't want to think about. i hoped to sink into this birthing process, to let it wash through me and over me- not a sudden onset with pills or i.v. coursing through my body.

i don't want to spend the last days of this very amazing pregnancy- upset and crying. wishing for it to end- so that way it doesn't have to end on someone else's terms…

everyday i'm still hoping that i have time, that my our bodies will start to work together so i can bypass the early morning appointment at the hospital. but every hour that passes by without  a hint- or worse.. when it passes by with a tease of things happening… bringing me closer and closer to feeling like i should just resign to another idea of how this might go..

walking sterile, foreign hallways- with other moaning women. sharing a room with someone else, an uncomfortable bed- a public toilet, a space that isn't my own, isn't comfort. isn't home. where you're conscious of what noise you make, what body parts are covered, who shares the room with you.. aware of visiting hours- and when your spouse has to leave… denied food because it's not serving hours. limited movement/space. confined.

i know that in the grand scheme of things- how i give birth, and where i give birth doesn't matter. that all of that will really not matter when i have her safely in my arms. that we are both healthy and well- time together, my little family. i know that once she's here- the rest doesn't matter… if i gave birth naturally or with pain meds. if i gave birth through my body, or surgery. i know that once she's in my arms- those things won't matter so much..

i know that birth is something that i can't control. it's also something that i don't want controlled. i don't want it dictated, on someone's terms… i don't want it numbed.  i want to lose myself in it's uncontrollable power.. i want to experience this all. i want to trust my body to do what it will- as it wants…  birth is messy and raw- and that's how i hope to still have it… not tidy and pencilled in to a book.

…i know that this is just one of the beginning lessons of motherhood… letting go. finding patience when it's the most difficult. crumbling and rebuilding. opening myself to be honest about my thoughts and fears.  having absolutely no control- and needing to learn to be okay with that..

sigh.

trusting. trusting. trusting…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy, {daily} | 8 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

then & now

i first showed you the pig here

and i have wanted to recreate this picture of my mom for forever… today, i decided. was the day.

my mom stands, in 1987, wearing her favorite denim jumper. the only thing that fit comfortably through her pregnancy with me… holding the pig that was to be mine. this picture was taken the day before she gave birth to me.. how sweet is that?

and there i stand, in 2010, wearing my favorite dress. the only thing that fits comfortably throughout this pregnancy with my daughter. holding the pig that was mine from birth, and the pig that is to be hers. (you can't see them both very well.. i tried to do a picture of me with one each. but oh. difficult. this will have to do). wouldn't it be so magic if this was taken the day before i give birth to my daughter too…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 5 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

everything in it's right place

these words given to me by a sweet friend-

it was the perfect reminder…

i've been finding that no matter how often i remind myself to soak up this time, to relish this body, to trust that she will be exactly as she needs to be- come when she needs to come… just as i know i am the mother she needs me to be.

i've started to forget. easily growing grouchy with every passing day. anxious for swirls of energy to start…

and then those simple words when i asked if the full moon might bring this virgo baby here.

it makes so much sense, and feels so much more right.. calms my grouchy anxiousness. grounds me again.

of course, this little baby decided to be an earth baby… and all i needed was to be grounded. cenetered. trusting in this harvest energy that she swirls.

so completely in love with these women in my life- with their simple wisdom and love. knowing that i don't need remedies and ideas on how to get things started, that all i need is just to remember… to relax, and know that everything is as it should be, everything is in it's right place.

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

no need for words…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 2 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

40 + 3

dear baby,

i'm fairly positive that we're ready for you to make your entrance into the world. your due date came and went, and while i definitely wasn't holding much thought that you would be born on your due date- i… i don't know. in ways, i feel completely content about where we are. about things being exactly as they are, taking our time, trusting.  i completely feel that.i completely honor that. i *know* that you will come when you are ready, and i love that.

and then in other ways, i'm just excited- excited to experience your birth, anxious to meet you.. to see you.. to hold you.
also, none of my clothes cover my belly. i'm quite ready to be able to sleep on my stomach again too.. and your little foot violently shoving against my side is intense. how do you still have room to move so violently. come out, so i can kiss those little feet instead.

p.s. baby. your meme is due to arrive in 12 days time. i'd really rather have you and be out of the hospital and settled at home in my nest before she arrives. so please?

love, your emotional. tired. mama, with her belly hanging out. (the fashion of my preggo season)

edited to add: i had my 40 week check-up with the midwife and dr. all is well and healthy. i'm relieved that my doctor said that he is happy to let things go naturally and let my body and baby do what it needs to do- for as long as we're both safe and healthy. at first- when i found out i was pregnant- i started preparing myself to have to fight to allow things to go as naturally as possible until circumstances changed things. (like inductions, unnecessary interventions etc.)  i've been proven wrong each time and am so very glad for the care i've received so far.. i had my heart set on a home birth since before we got pregnant, but having my baby in the hospital- that's midwife run- has got to be the next best thing.

so, i won't have another check up with the doctor until i'm 41+1. which will be the first time they ever do an internal exam to see if i'm dilated (that is, if i want to have that done). it's amazing to me how hands-off, relaxed, and natural the entire approach has been through this pregnancy with a medical institution. and i love that.. they've been trusting that pregnancy and birth are completely natural- and normal, until something tells them that something is wrong, and they've acted quickly to ensure that everything is safe (like.. with my two night stay for a bit of high blood pressure and protein).

the way the maternity hospital works over here is that midwives run the show- midwives are the ones that take care of you through your labor, and deliver your baby. the only time a doctor is brought into the room for your birth is if an intervention is needed. otherwise, you're surrounded by a team of women who have specialised in everything birth.. and i think that's pretty amazing. (not to mention that all maternity and baby healthcare is free. which is even more amazing and something i am so very grateful for).

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 6 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

celebration

today, i celebrate being 40 weeks pregnant.
i celebrate every twinge and surge that swirls through my pelvis
i celebrate being married to my love, and that together- our family will be three.
i celebrate that my body harvests another beating heart…
i celebrate the visions i've been given by this little soul.
today, i celebrate my circle of wise women- who have given me confidence, support, and love on this journey.
i celebrate who i am about to become, and what pieces i will leave behind.
i celebrate the unknown i'm about to step into… that the story will unfold how it will.
i celebrate that i will be the center, and also a witness.
i celebrate the mystery, the power, and unimaginable love…

mama + baby by nikki mcclure

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 5 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

swirly creative energy

i had these wonderful ideas that when i'd get pregnant, all of my paintings would hold so much extra meaning, being spun with creative mama energy… they'd be closer to my heart- hold special meaning to the wee one as they get older. pieces that i'd share with others, but also keep for myself… for my little person. something that we created together.

and then she made her way beneath my heart. zapping all of my creative energy. i like to think that my muse was spending all of her energy swirling and manifesting with this babe…

this last month has suddenly been a surge of creative energy and excitement for me- my mind full of ideas for my shop. creating a 'fan page' profile to better connect with previous and future clients… re-opening my shop and offering originals, new and old. clearing out my drawers of paintings that aren't being loved while hidden away. ahhh it felt SO good.

and then i had to go and close the shop as my due date approaches. not wanting to add any extra stress on making sure that i reply back to sales or e-mails. sigh… just right when i was feeling on such a role with where i was going.

all of these ideas for when i return. i'm excited about what the future holds, and wondering equally how much i can achieve with soaking up this new babe… how much my energy will shift. if i'll still have as much enthusiasm or… just how long that will take to recycle through.

i really really wanted to wait to introduce some new paintings for my return, but i couldn't help but share a sneak preview of what is to come…

Butterfly Mama and Caterpillar Babe. from e.darcy on Vimeo.

i lalalooove watching other artists create. seeing their process from start to finish. and now that i've done this once, i'm addicted. i want to make so many more.

so excited for what the future holds.

this new babe in my arms, my head swirling with ideas for products and things to offer in le shop… connecting with new people around the world.

this feels good… and right.. and amazing.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

up to date

i'm. tired.

so tired. so very tired. which feels like a joke because i'm thinking that i'm tired now… and this isn't even it. this is only just the beginning. i feel like i could sleep forever right now, and i realise… i won't GET to sleep forever. what a lovely joke.

-

so last wednesday i had my regular 38 week check-up with my midwife and OB. i had a combination of things that warranted them wanting to go ahead and admit me to the hospital for observation and a 24 hour collection analysis. the midwife told me to go home, pack my overnight bag- and bring the baby things for the labour ward in case they had to induce or do an emergency c-section. oi!
i cried. mostly because i knew that everything was okay and i didn't want to go to the hospital..
so i came home. packed the bags. and ate ice cream right out of the tub. ha! i deserved it.

and then we went on to the hospital. blood pressure checked- and guess what? it was perfect. urine checked- and guess what? perfect.
can i go home now? do i really have to stay the night?
no. and yes.

sigh. i know.. i know. so better safe than sorry. and i was so very glad that they were being proactive and taking all the precautions with me to ensure that i didn't have pre-eclampsia. but still.. guuuh.
i was given a room with another girl- who was lovely by the way. and i said a tearful goodbye to steven… who i ended up texting all night because i missed him. we're pathetic.

but see, i couldn't even begin the 24 hour thing yet. i had to wait until morning before that started. guh. in total, i was at the hospital for 45 hours…
and all is perfectly well, healthy, normal, lovely with baby and myself. thank goodness.

i guess it was a practice run- a preview of the hospital and care. (one that i would happily do without. but. useful nonetheless)

i figured out what else i need to have packed in my bag. (and to. you know.. have those bags packed and ready because situations change quickly… ha!)
that the midwives are all so. so very lovely.
that the beds in the labour ward are comfortable. but the ones in the maternity ward.. however. are not.
that the tea they serve upstairs is too weak, but you can at least get a cup of decent tea downstairs in the cafeteria for 1 euro.
and that i despise the book 'committed' by elizabeth gilbert. (i adored eat pray love.. i read it three times. but this… oh. i was ready to throw it in the bin more than once. i guess i was just expecting more of an inspiration. journey…something. )

right before i was discharged to go home, a woman was wheeled past our room- she was so sweaty, hair all dishevelled, looking exhausted… with the biggest, proudest grin on her face… and a baby wrapped in a towel. her husband followed behind her with a big grin and their bags in his arms. this beautiful mini parade-such a high, their lives transformed.

sigh.. in a week or two, that will be us…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

emerging on the journey

last night i had dreams of blood.

thick red rivers of blood streaming from between my thighs. i could almost feel the coolness of it-as i woke up in a panic. checking between my legs, checking the sheets to make sure that it wasn't really happening. getting up and going to the toilet to make sure that nothing was going on.

the dream disturbed me in a way so completely different from any other 'anxiety' dream of pregnancy/birth/motherhood. it wasn't like the dreams of forgetting my baby, not knowing where i left her, someone taking her, not knowing how to feed her, giving birth to a fake baby. all of those typical stupid dreams that every pregnant woman has- that just tinges with anxiety.

this dream was entirely something else. so powerful and crude, scary and exhausting. it completely shook me. and i spent the day crying, under a dark cloud… hands to my belly for every movement. and even as she'd move- it wouldn't bring me the comfort that i needed.

after a while of thinking about it, trying to figure out why i felt so shitty.. so down. so unsure. so unwell. e-mailing some of my beautiful tribe, and just letting it out. bawling… i crawled into bed with my husband, who just cuddled me. breathed with me. and helped me to fall asleep for a nap that my body so needed.

and still i dreamt of the blood.

at first, confused, hurt.. upset. my mind immediately went to the fears and doubts of:

when will the badness come?
this pregnancy has been so beautiful and easy and wonderful. the struggle to get pregnant meant that the beginning of this journey i was prepared for the worst. i was prepared, and each month proven wrong. each month- my body blossomed in such beautiful ways. helping me to find the confidence that i so needed. that i so deserved.  helping me to love this entire process and to trust. to have the faith… to believe in myself, and believe in birth. in life.

and then with these dreams, i was reminded- i have had it easy with this pregnancy… and we're almost to an end… does that mean that something bad is bound to happen…. what is it going to be. how bad is it going to be… it's almost inevitable.

the sudden fears of you-know-what.

and i didn't want to think that way. i don't deserve to think that way…

***

one of my tribe answered back; that blood is a force. of life and death.

after churning it around more. finding what all of this unsettled feeling means to me. what this blood means to me.

i finally feel like i've come to it. like i understand it… and now, can honour it.

this is an end. and a beginning.
like the blood- a force of life and death.

this pregnancy is coming to an end,
which is both life and death… both figuratively and literally.
i'll stand on the threshold of both when i give birth.
giving myself over to both sides of life.
it will be the end, and the beginning…

the space inside my body that has grown and cocooned this life will be left empty.
and my empty arms will then be made full…
a transition from one world to another

the blood and the dream all make sense now,
i can't control any of it…
it will all flow out from between my legs
and will be equally life and death.
celebration and mourning.

and that makes sense to me,
this uneasy feeling i have- how unsure i feel. this process of letting go.
excited to experience all of this,
because i have confidence in my body. i have confidence in birth.
excited to meet her… for our story to unfold. to begin
but realising that i have also to let go of what is now,
to come face to face with the reality of what that means.
i will no longer carry her inside my body…
i will no longer harvest a life inside.

the full circle of coming to an end, and also a beginning.
the moon's waxing and waning.
a full string of mixed emotions…
being amazed and overwhelmed
upset and joyous
mourning and celebrating.

–

and now, i feel.. like i can begin.
washing away this process. letting go this emotional plug
i feel like i kind of just have to deal with it- and sit with it. and cry all day with it. to work through and figure out what it really means to me- what emotional block i'm holding onto.
to begin letting go of it,
and allowing her to sink down lower between my hips
so we can begin this dance together
where we both come to the most primal of our beings…

i know in every fiber of my being that this birth will be beautiful and powerful and change me completely…
i feel strong. and confident and… like nothing will stop me.

and on the other side, we will emerge.
two completely new people.
both with stories of the past…
and begin building our story together of the present.

full circle.

By edarcy | Posted in journey, pregnancy, {daily} | 6 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment