last night i had dreams of blood.
thick red rivers of blood streaming from between my thighs. i could almost feel the coolness of it-as i woke up in a panic. checking between my legs, checking the sheets to make sure that it wasn't really happening. getting up and going to the toilet to make sure that nothing was going on.
the dream disturbed me in a way so completely different from any other 'anxiety' dream of pregnancy/birth/motherhood. it wasn't like the dreams of forgetting my baby, not knowing where i left her, someone taking her, not knowing how to feed her, giving birth to a fake baby. all of those typical stupid dreams that every pregnant woman has- that just tinges with anxiety.
this dream was entirely something else. so powerful and crude, scary and exhausting. it completely shook me. and i spent the day crying, under a dark cloud… hands to my belly for every movement. and even as she'd move- it wouldn't bring me the comfort that i needed.
after a while of thinking about it, trying to figure out why i felt so shitty.. so down. so unsure. so unwell. e-mailing some of my beautiful tribe, and just letting it out. bawling… i crawled into bed with my husband, who just cuddled me. breathed with me. and helped me to fall asleep for a nap that my body so needed.
and still i dreamt of the blood.
at first, confused, hurt.. upset. my mind immediately went to the fears and doubts of:
when will the badness come?
this pregnancy has been so beautiful and easy and wonderful. the struggle to get pregnant meant that the beginning of this journey i was prepared for the worst. i was prepared, and each month proven wrong. each month- my body blossomed in such beautiful ways. helping me to find the confidence that i so needed. that i so deserved. helping me to love this entire process and to trust. to have the faith… to believe in myself, and believe in birth. in life.
and then with these dreams, i was reminded- i have had it easy with this pregnancy… and we're almost to an end… does that mean that something bad is bound to happen…. what is it going to be. how bad is it going to be… it's almost inevitable.
the sudden fears of you-know-what.
and i didn't want to think that way. i don't deserve to think that way…
***
one of my tribe answered back; that blood is a force. of life and death.
after churning it around more. finding what all of this unsettled feeling means to me. what this blood means to me.
i finally feel like i've come to it. like i understand it… and now, can honour it.
this is an end. and a beginning.
like the blood- a force of life and death.
this pregnancy is coming to an end,
which is both life and death… both figuratively and literally.
i'll stand on the threshold of both when i give birth.
giving myself over to both sides of life.
it will be the end, and the beginning…
the space inside my body that has grown and cocooned this life will be left empty.
and my empty arms will then be made full…
a transition from one world to another
the blood and the dream all make sense now,
i can't control any of it…
it will all flow out from between my legs
and will be equally life and death.
celebration and mourning.
and that makes sense to me,
this uneasy feeling i have- how unsure i feel. this process of letting go.
excited to experience all of this,
because i have confidence in my body. i have confidence in birth.
excited to meet her… for our story to unfold. to begin
but realising that i have also to let go of what is now,
to come face to face with the reality of what that means.
i will no longer carry her inside my body…
i will no longer harvest a life inside.
the full circle of coming to an end, and also a beginning.
the moon's waxing and waning.
a full string of mixed emotions…
being amazed and overwhelmed
upset and joyous
mourning and celebrating.
–
and now, i feel.. like i can begin.
washing away this process. letting go this emotional plug
i feel like i kind of just have to deal with it- and sit with it. and cry all day with it. to work through and figure out what it really means to me- what emotional block i'm holding onto.
to begin letting go of it,
and allowing her to sink down lower between my hips
so we can begin this dance together
where we both come to the most primal of our beings…
i know in every fiber of my being that this birth will be beautiful and powerful and change me completely…
i feel strong. and confident and… like nothing will stop me.
and on the other side, we will emerge.
two completely new people.
both with stories of the past…
and begin building our story together of the present.
full circle.