Starving Artist Ink.

We communicated solely through words. For the first two years-we typed words for hours… Occasionally we wrote words on paper, and sent it off to the other side of the world-but every day, we typed. Our conversations were endless, we shared, laughed, loved even more-we also grew frustrated…

e.darcy

He'd call me occasionally-which was always a delicious treat. I'd sit, giddy-listening to his voice. Hiding in my closet so I could talk to him properly… Our conversations on the phone weren't as successful-he says something, all I hear is accent…he repeats… I apologize. He says forget it, I say sorry again and we sit, and say 'soo…..' over and over.

It wasn't until after we met in person that we were able to show ourselves on webcam. Needing the comfort of each others voices and real life movement. Typing became a thing of the past, like talking to a computer instead of your love… Typing made the distance grow. So we talked, sometimes we just breathed… We'd fall asleep with the webcams set up-so we could sleep 'together'.

…I found some love letters that I sent him-while I was still in school. To say that our love has changed since then would be an understatement. We were just puppies then… and sure-while we are still young, we get judged based on our age… But he's my best friend-and our love can only grow stronger with the day.

e.darcy

More than five years of talking, through different mediums-we still find it hard to go to sleep at night, too busy talking, catching up, sharing thoughts and ideas. Our conversations endless…

 My love Thursday? Our endless conversations, our strong communication, our ability to just…talk…for hours. Sharing my world with him, together, and through our words.

Damp laundry hangs in front of the open windows…a cool summer breeze filling the room. Bumble bee's play in fragrant flowers, gorging themselves, greedily devouring the sweet yellow… Stuffed and heavy, he takes flight as the sky spits drops of rain…

e.darcy

A flock of sheep that leisurely pass by,
One after one; the sound of rain, and bees
Murmuring; the fall of rivers, winds and seas,
Smooth fields, white sheets of water, and pure sky;
I have thought of all by turns, and yet do lie
Sleepless!
{william wordsworth}

So yesterday–I was exhausted. Starting out on only four hours of sleep is not recommended-but, in the end it looked to be worth it. Came home and had some visitors, managed to get around to editing the pile of a million photos-and then at around midnight, Steven asks if that was smoke, or steam in the skyline.

Uhhh-oh my god, it's smoke, and it's orange-and it's from THAT building RIGHT there.

So like any normal photographer I say 'GRAB MY CAMERA AND LET'S GO!'…and then his ir/rational thought is 'NO! are you crazy? it's saturday night-there are weirdos out there! don't draw attention to yourself'

uhm. Okay-there's also a FIRE?! to draw their attention.

So-needless to say, I didn't bring my big mamajumbo camera with me, and as the flames grew high and licked the night sky-sending explosions of hot ash to the ground I captured with my mobile phone

camera phone quality. ick.

Anyway, that was all the excitement. We stayed and watched, breathing in terrible amounts of smoke-the streets were cleared of drunks and their cars, firemen took over and we ended up hearing some..story..from an old woman? I don't know-I stopped listening to her and she preyed on Steven, who gave her eye contact.

Needless to say-I'm exhausted still.

*scribbled in my journal at 5 am…

I lay here, staring into his eyes as he sleeps. Softly breathing in the dark night air. his mouth relaxed, red lips pout. I memorize every inch of his face…he is the most beautiful man. The way his dark eyebrows curve over his eyes. The pink tint peeking through his delicate eyelids, long black curls of eyelashes…

Deep red flush to his cheeks-the same from when he was a small little boy. Soft deep breath in and out. in and out. I regulate my breathing to match his. It soothes me-like a warm blanket, like the ocean waves rocking me, engulfing me, gently lulling me to sleep.

I look deep into his eyelids, wondering what lies beyond them.

What realm is he transfixed in? Suddenly, I feel very much alone. He's not here-he's in another world…

I make a bit of noise, willing his eyes to open-but its no use. He's left me-I'm stuck here.

[insomnia]

The cold glow of the computer monitor. the 'tappity tap tap' of the keys. The disappointment as the clock carries on ticking and the eyes that never grow heavy with tiredness.

So I crawl back into bed with him…matching my breathing with his.

In…and out. In…and out. Until we meet in the same world, with our eyes wide shut.

 'Talent is no accident of birth. In today's society a good many people seem to have the idea that if one is born without talent, there is nothing he can do about it; they simply resign themselves to what they consider to be their fate.'
-Shinichi Suzuki

Something so inspiring, to go back through your work-be it words, paint, photos, projects. And being so impressed with what you did. Knowing that at the time, your confidence was in the bin-that you weren't happy with the turn out, knowing that in the future you'd push yourself, and you would do better.

This week, as I book a photo session-I start to doubt myself. Looking back through past shoots I have done and being so embarrassed, even ashamed to have let these people pay for the pictures-time that they will never get back again..

They say that your first 1,000 pictures are your worst, but I think that we should up that to 10,000. It's all a growing, learning process. You practice and you get better. Every click of the shutter. Noticing light and colour, balance and framing. Paying as much attention to the background as the foreground-but most of all, being free and happy, confidence = success.

e.darcy

 The above? My very first portrait session. Shot with film from a borrowed camera (thanks Angel!) I don't know why I didn't fear that day, why I wasn't shaking-I believe that we had one roll of film? Uhh…considering that I shoot at the very least 200 in one sitting-I'm surprised that we came away with so many lovely portraits.  Maybe that's just the secret–having some confidence, not questioning yourself, and even possibly limiting yourself to make few mistakes.

My love Thursday-discovering your abilities, talents, and hidden treasures…

'I know quite certainly that I myself have no special talent; curiosity, obsession and dogged endurance, combined with self-criticism, have brought me to my ideas'
-Albert Einstein