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yesterday’s daily horoscope- relax and let today’s cosmic wave sweep you away. what will be will be, the future is no sure bet, so take this gamble and see where it brings you. there is no rule to achieving success.
today’s- today, dear libra has a big choice to make. you can either jump into the huge changes about to happen or stay clear of the danger by watching from the sidelines. either way, you are part of what transpires.
i know these are written for libras around the world… and perhaps it’s just a computer generating goobily gook that could be easily interpretative into any life situation…. knowing that we’re all gullible and self absorbed, searching for signs and answers.
…but sometimes, it just gives me goosebumps at how much it’s right on…
at how it seems to only be speaking to me at this very moment in time. (i suppose that is the whole point. ;-p)
—
yesterday was a whole range of emotions. i wept with a friend as we both begin journeys… doors opening and closing, finding ourselves and our paths. she encouraged me-having already been down my path before, but all i could do was listen to her-as she begins exploring new waters.
we cried, and laughed. and i felt like i finally dug through all of the emotional walls and fears holding me back, and listened to my heart-felt at peace and validated and completely understood… like the light switched on, and i could see everything.
positivity and light and hope and complete trust.
today, i didn’t wake up with such positivity. over slept and completely jumbled. forgetful. dreamless sleep. a tinge of nervous energy, waiting for the right time, when i felt i should begin.
last minute research, just to be sure… trying to ease my head into the same space of what my heart already knows.
and then i got a sign… and it was all clear… i drank it up and won’t look back.
i’m jumping in. taking a leap of faith.
i won’t be a witness on the sidelines, wishing i would have taken that chance. never knowing if that was the time for me.
(and, i have to add. i feel so mugh lighter and better and just… real and honest-since i was able to share the post yesterday. i like that i am taking back this space, creating it into what i need, what i am about… not thinking about who is here and why, or what judgements might be made. thank you…for just being. -x0)
so… i thought about keeping this silent. just spilling to those that are close with me, tender hearts and souls who can listen to me, hold me up.. understand my crazies and forgive them-and know fully what i mean behind my words.
things always get muddled up in text, online.
and emotions always get muddled up in words… how DO you find the words to express those deep rooted emotions that pull at your heart.
i was going to keep silent, talk to my girls, write in my journal.
but i forgot. you see, i already purged some to you. i already began telling you parts of my journey with PCOS. and that’s just fine and dandy, only… some of you have sent me the most beautiful e-mails and love back, some of you have come out and said ‘i am on this same journey with you’…some came out and just poured love and hope into my life with wishes of fertility and health. so really, i can’t just keep it quiet. you are part of my tribe now, you walk this journey with me… you hold up the torches of light when my path is dark.
who am i protecting? who am i not doing any favours for?
only myself.
so today i sit with a mixture of weepy emotions.
conflicting voices between heart and head… head and heart. belly. gut. intuition. heart… and that pesky head.
i begin another part of the path tomorrow, in the shape of seven little pills.
before, part of me screamed in agony… pills.. chemicals. medication to make myself act, hormonally as a ‘normal’ healthy woman. the fight of why can’t i just be normal… did i do this to myself?
and now, well part of that is still there. but the rest of it is thankful for this, for this opportunity, for this gift, for this chance, for this hope.
—
the way water ripples when you throw a stone into it, the glassy surface spiralling in gentle lulled waves- that is how i feel right now.
it’s calm, and peaceful, there is a source, and a messenger-with a message.
i feel hopeful, happy, ready.
i feel positive, and light shining.
i feel like my body is cleansing and preparing.
there are some words that i want to say-out loud… this feeling that i have that’s coming directly from my heart, but it’s my head that keeps arguing and shoving it down. saying ‘no.. that’s crazy. people will think you are stupid. what if you are wrong. you’re only making a fool of yourself. hush. keep quiet. wait until this passes and then you can say that you thought that-but you were wrong’
so.. i think i’m going to go out on a limb here and just say it.
and give my mind a piece of my heart.
i feel like i have a secret. that no one knows… and when i went for that little photo-nature walk, i was at peace and calm and walked around-past joggers and mothers and families walking their dog, and i felt like i could smirk-like i knew something they didn’t know… like i have a secret… like there’s something/someone…extra.
i don’t know if i felt that i was pregnant then, or if i just felt the presence of peace and hope and a weight of insecurities of infertility lifted… that i feel right, ready, good. that my heart is open. fully, finally. that there are no restrictions (only of what my head says above)
—
tomorrow, i think i will try to meditate. to try to clear these negative voices. to be open heart and mind.
and then take these little round pills full of hope.
i have been blessed to be able to work with people who can understand and appreciate what it takes to create.
wait… maybe sometimes they don’t understand it, but they certainly give it space and trust…and that is all you need.
trust to wait and listen for a Creative to come and sit for a few hours… trust, and no expectations or restrictions. trust and willingness to bend and breathe together.
commission pieces are always the most difficult, simply because you are trying to feel what they want, what they envision, who they are… you need your piece to connect with them on so many levels… it has to be right, it has to be the one. it has to speak directly to them.
and so far… i have had amazing luck with the people that i have worked with… who are generous and kind with their patience. who know exactly what i can give them… who challenge me when the sea is dried up, clients who push me back in-when i’ve been searching for the water. they make it rain…
here’s just a preview of what i have been working on for a third time customer. : )
when i get back from holiday, i think i might just have a few updates for my etsy shop.
and a new exciting opportunity for this space. : )
talking to my boys. grunts and giggles and shouts and trucks honking.
fast lizards and big caterpillars… big big boy school, and thomas the train. favourite colours and alphabet letters. big fish that we don’t want to touch…
all boy.
i love them so much.
i miss home. i miss my boys and my girl. i want to hold them all and smell them all and listen to everything they have to say… their tantrums and their giggles. i’ll take it all. every single bit.
i love making these lists.. every now and then, noting down what is inspiring you lately, what you are loving lately. it’s just a really easy, lovely way to lift yourself up-feel full and hopeful and inspired.
here’s what has been inspiring me lately-
Untitled, 2. breathe:exhale, 3. Untitled, 4. splendid morning, 5. Untitled, 6. Itch To Fly, 7. {vintage}, 8. Untitled, 9. it was worth the effort
all of those photos just feel so…at peace. calm. rich. they feel like the fires of autumn. the memories of a late summers evening.
this video. the artwork is absolutely beautiful-and plays so well with the song… it inspired a little story and characters that have suddenly sprouted in my head, who i am trying to bring to life…
jennifer rickard. she is not only a beautiful friend of mine, who i feel lucky to know- but her work is such an inspiration to me… for how soft, how deep, how rich her emotional connection with every photograph pulls through… every single photo is carefully choreographed with nothing but feeling, to capture the essence of the whole…everything. she has a power, an intense art…and she’s incredibly humble and sweet, which makes it all the more better.
my up coming trip to stay with cass, and meet her sweet little family…explore her home… i am so absolutely excited to experience it all. soak up the sights and scents and.. sigh…. i’m afraid that i’ll fall in love with it-and won’t be happy until we move there…
those little sweets… oh how i miss them. that’s wyatt, brandon, and lilly. (i’ve yet to meet mr. parker yet. sigh) i think about them every day, but if i think about how fast they are growing up-out of my sight, for too much.. thinking about all that i am missing out on-it just makes me sad. (note to their parents. videos and photos please…. like i should have to ask!)
i am SO absolutely inspired by this girl. my best friend, susie… i am always in awe of her- how strong, smart, capable she is. i just know that she will do great and amazing things in the world, she already has-but… i know that one day-people will know her name, she’ll be ahead of the rest… she’ll be up there. right now, i am so inspired by her new adventure. the courage it will take for her to leave home-get on a plane, and travel to a world that she’s never been. sure-it’s not THAT crazy of a big deal, no third world countries (yet). but it’s an entirely new experience for her… going somewhere where she doesn’t know anyone. and it thrills me to no end-to know that she’s getting out there. that she’s beginning. that she’s growing wings. i want her to take over the world. ;-p and.. and and… i get to see her. and take another picture just like the one above. love her. she’s so beautiful, absolutely inside and out.
what has inspired you lately?
i felt like i was drifting, sinking…
but my libra scales just needed balance.
(excerpt from my diary)
it’s amazing what being out of sync with your love, your partner, your other half.. can do.
how not making sure to connect
can shift things,
cause you to drift-unknowingly
into the far deep-
and you don’t realise that you can’t see the shore…
darkness falls-and you wait for the light to rescue you-only,
light doesn’t come…
it doesn’t know that it’s lost as well.
and then the tides come in
crash against the rocks
fresh salty water…
reunited again.
the sun shines in the day, and the moon keeps watch over the night
and the stars navigate a path home…
a reminder.
i am better today.
i am grateful today.
i can breathe today.
—-
i realise that this may all sound so silly.. it is what it is.
i need a rock. a constant. i need physical contact like i need air or water. i need balance and to be in tune.
i need to feed my soul, and ours.
what throws you out of balance?
when i realise where i live..
because you can quickly forget to see the beauty around you.. it all blending in with the rest. with the dull. with the grey. but only when you open your heart and mind.. and eyes-to look closely enough. you’ll find it. you always will.
i’m lying low…
emotional tidal waves crash and pull me under, into the deep sea…
it’s hard for me to write or explain-when i can’t even explain it to myself.
i want to be here, to be present… but there’s this centre pulling downwards. silent. searching, it feels…
so i try to accept it as the tide, and trust that it will recede again, smoothing things over.
i walk to sacred spaces to sit, breathe, with palms open and eyes closed. i try to honour what’s pulling me in and under, to not seek so many answers-because i won’t find them…
it’s nothing new. it comes and goes in awkward patterns.
with no warning and no sign of leaving, suddenly it’s gone as quickly and quietly as it appeared. but when it’s here, it’s so… devouring.
—
i just realised that today is my gratitude day.
i am grateful that i did not give myself guidelines and restrictions-and that i can do it tomorrow.
i will.
even in this silence.
make a list of ways to procrastinate.
notice that the more times you spell that word out, the more weird it gets…
refresh web browser every two minutes.
go through photo archives and edit old photos.
sign into messenger and chat.
do research for someone else’s project.
make a list of ways to procrastinate.
again with the word.
make a cup of tea… stare out of window.
open up MS word and begin typing some of the work that you have in your head..
make a quick to-do list and see that you only have a few things on your plate.
refresh browser…
open photoshop so it looks like you are working.
browse colour schemes online. again PART of what you are working on-but isn’t at the top of the list.
switch music.. blah. listening to the same thing on repeat.
refresh browser.
bowser browser. again.. another word.
check flickr to see if there are any good pictures.
send an email.
update blog post about nothing interesting.
blah blabitty blah blaaah. at least no one pays me for this…
