Monthly Archives: September 2009

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{pumpkin spice}

i'm sitting here… cheeks sore from smiling. belly sore from such a giddy feeling. overwhelmed by the love and friendship that stretches across the globe.

i'm taking part of a travelling journal with a group of friends, spread out on the map- arriving all the way from washington state-for me to begin… it arrived.

but not only did it just arrive, it came with early birthday gifts

and my heart is soaring.

i'm speechless.

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

what a way to make a girl happy!

such perfect gifts… zara is my little twinsie-poo.

and so i sit here, with this beautiful scarf around my neck. it is seriously so soft and yummy… something that i have been searching for forever- and haven't found. and also a colour that i would have never been drawn to to pick out for me-but that is so absolutely perfect… that couldn't be any different… that mmm… yes.

deep breath in, and i'm smelling autumn, intoxicating and dizzying and…oh. heeee. sorry to boast. i'm in heaven.

all thanks to my little love gnomie, zara.

an unexpected muse

silence,

in the kind that makes you realize that days have drifted by without notice.

the thick scent of autumn that has been drifting in the wind is suddenly pressing down on the leaves and rooftops.

emptiness after finishing a book… continuing to think about, dream about, worry about characters that never existed… a relationship left on untied strings.

an unexpected muse.

erin darcy design

it felt so good to have been contacted by such a talented artist- with a beautiful idea… being able to make it work on paper. i absolutely am in LOVE with the outcome. it has been ages since i've been able to pick up the paint brush and create something i feel completely happy about.

waiting for children to go back to school, so I can roam without interruption of teenagers hanging in my favourite places. anti-social much?

filling the house with the scent of home-made bread, filling our bellies with it’s goodness.

titillating tuesday

none of these photos belong to me, photo credit below
1. flavored, 2. on every front. at every moment., 3. double vision : 323.365 gratitude, 4. somewhere very similar, 5. Elisabeth Perotin, 6. i like leaves. , 7. Walla Walla Farmer's Market, 8. girl, 9. autumn is here

- i haven't picked up the camera.
- i baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
- i held a sweet baby boy in my arms while he fell asleep.
- i found an artist/musician that i like.
- i painted one of my fingernails.
- i wore pajamas all day.
- i had dreams that frightened me, and dreams that comforted me.
- i bought a ticket to see a friend. la la laaa
- i've been inspired by the change in season-just trying to figure out how to..what's the word? sigh. i don't know. embrace, capture, ehm…
- i began another month on this journey, one foot in front of the other.
- i procrastinated like a professional.

is it tuesday? this doesn't even make any sense. ha! i just wanted a reason to share those yummy pictures above. a little inspiration board.

taking charge of your fertility

oh this journey isn't fun… but the reward makes it so worth it.

the things worth having are worth fighting for. the struggle only makes you appreciate it that much more. and. it's all a journey-learning new things along the path.. perhaps meant to follow this, or guide, or find wisdom to be able to share with other souls… or just. for ourselves. to stop… take time.. to breathe and say 'live in the present'  'embrace your journey'

so far i've been written off so many times- you're young. you've got so many years. i'd be worried if you were 42 and had been trying for 15 years. blah blah blah. straight from the doctors mouth.

i should have asked 'do you have kids?'

because the craving, the want… the need. the pain, and somehow-guilt that comes with the (in)fertility journey is, well… i don't think its different at any age. sure- these women might have decided to start two years ago (or more) as well-only now they don't have as much time to play with. but we're all sisters with the same goal- so i'm not a fan of being cast aside because of my age.

what these people don't realise is that being young and dealing with (in)fertility sets us on a different path from older women dealing with it…. while it is found to be more common or diagnosed in older women who have just decided to start trying for a family- younger girls that aren't interested or at that place in their life… well that just means that we're more alone…. i don't have friends that are my age that are dealing with fertility issues. i don't have friends who understand what it feels like to want a baby… friends my age don't care about their fertility health right now*.  i am mostly alone-the only people to share similar stories, hope, and struggle through this are older women- who sometimes so very carelessly pass you off without realising it.

what i have learned so far is… to be patient. but not too patient.

to be your own health advocate. -to read what you can, understand what problems you may face. find out how you can help change what's going on by simple dietary changes. start finding doctors-and if one is doom and gloom, get them out of your life!  i wish that health care practitioners could be trusted to know everything, i wish that their word could be solid gold. i wish that they could be on top and ready and eager to help every patient that walks through their door-but… i've found out that that is hard to come by. (if you have found them. keep them close)

get a second opinion. don't be afraid to write down questions-print out articles that you have read about whats going on with you-and challenge the doctor. don't let them pass you off and say 'come back in six months' no. what are you going to do for me right now? give me some hope. give me some light. tell me that this can happen. let me trust that you'll take care of me.

create your community. join a support group in person or online, gather friends that you trust that will help light the way for you when it's too dark. that will help keep you going. the more you reach out-the quicker you find out that you are not on this path alone. hands will come out to help you, send you wishes of love and luck. will tell you stories of their success and help you feel like you have made the right choice. with them, you know that anything is possible.

journal. for your soul, for your sanity. keep track of what is going on. emotion wise- physical wise. if a life style change is in need- the only way to help keep it up, unless you are superwoman with your will power- is to keep track of it by journalling your success and challenges.

be honest with yourself.

*being fertility wise doesn't mean that you are seeking out to have a child. (it can just as easily be used for the opposite) i wish that more young women my age would start to understand that being aware of what is going on with their body-regardless of if they want to have children now, in the future, or never- this is about your health.  if it were your heart, you'd pay attention… so why not the one thing that is sacred, special, mysterious…complex. this one thing that makes you a woman. this one thing that can so easily change your life.

embrace your journey.

{collecting magic}

i've kept my knapsack packed (i don't really call it that. but i just thought it was cute. so i couldn't resist) at the front door-with all the exploring supplies i think i might need, while out and about.

a journal. pencil and pen. – so i can write down any thoughts or string of words that pops into my head.
a book. – so i can sit and not have to think about anything else… enjoy a good read or just look busy while i'm actually people watching.
a camera. – because i always always kick myself later on if i don't bring my camera. there's always things i wish i would have taken pictures of. light that was magic… so now it has to be a rule to always bring her.
something to safely collect things in. -right now i just put it into the empty pockets of my bag. or press it between the pages of my journal.
a coin purse, with enough change for a drink. because on your little excursion-you might find the change to stop in for a juice box, and they always make you feel like a kid, so why not.

while on my journeys lately, i have been keeping my eye out for-

signs of fairies, pixies… magic.
heart shaped rocks, leaves, things.
gentle reminders.

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

three different types of fairy/pixie wings.
i found one pixie cap, but it was tiny tiny. looking for more.

what else would you include in your exploring bag?

breathe breathe breathe

erin darcy photography

*written in my journal while sitting in front of the lake*

listening to the water lapping and crashing gently against the tall reeds,
where the side walk ends…
it feels so good to press my feet into the earth, the soft give.. sinking.
the trust…strength, such a sense of comfort…
it can be terribly depressing to live surrounded by concrete-suffocating.

on this wooden bench, my feet dangle… swinging back and forth-tickling the bottoms of my feet on blades of grass…
cracked smile watching birds squabble over stale bread
…..
tiny eyes watch me, curious.
mothers tut..bellies round and full.
hope and life.
plastic toys and gravel,
tears and laughter and sticky hands
discovering new joys of the wind against their faces, their blonde hair white in the sun…

it's amazing how in the quietest moments, when you feel content enough…
as the cycle waxes and wanes…
how swiftly hope and light and admiration…wonder…awe…
can turn to jealousy…envy…saddened pain.
……

hush. breathe breathe breathe.
your time will come… you'll look back and wonder what you were ever in such a rush for…
the time will be perfect and right.
you will sit in this same space, an extra heart singing beneath your chest…
you will sit in this same space, an extra hand to hold and tell stories to…
you will sit in this space, and be.
…..

face meets the warmth in the sky,
and as i turn away… a reminder on the cracked pavement below.
right where the side walk ends.

erin darcy photography

playing catch up|grateful daily

because i didn't share last week (since i didn't pick up the camera. ahem) making up for lost time by two weeks of grateful daily at once.

erin darcy photographyerin darcy photography

you can see the full collection here

the harvest before hibernation|inspired

collection of artists *none of these photos belong to me* 1. ?, 2. seasonal bliss, 3. sunday afternoon, 4. a sweet morning : 309.365 gratitude, 5. smores!, 6. happy unofficial last day of summer!, 7. strawberry & co window, 8. good monday morning, 9. i_am_enough, 10. reading, 11. jen_lee_shoulder, 12. fall coasters, 13. accessories to a picnic, 14. little fox., 15. moc ups… now which my loves!?, 16. hello, stranger

mmm… deep breath in.

i'm feeling this change in season and it is so yummy… i've an urge to create with my hands… to knit and sew and bake and paint… to sit and breathe in the crisp air…

to fill the house with cinnamon and nutmeg.

to open a cook book that's been loved with splatters of batter and cocoa powder.

my list of autumn to-do's-

put together family cookbook that i have had in my mind for the past three years…
learn to crotchet
begin hand sewing a quilt. (i've never sewn a quilt.. and have no sewing machine. so this one, i imagine..will take years. haha!)
bake a carrot cake, cheese cake, pumpkin bread, cinnamon rolls, oatmeal cookies
make the house nice and cozy for when my susie comes to play
knit a scarf that's long and yummy.
fill up some canvas with acrylic. i haven't pushed some acrylic paints around on canvas in so long. miss that feeling.
get pregnant. (hehe) i have a long wish list for a healthy pregnancy and birth. sending it out to the universe… in the form of stars and dandelions.
make my own pumpkin purée! oooh how fun.
have a dinner with home-made apple sauce too!
okay.. i'm just adding things now.
one of my favourite times of the year. the most productive time of year…
the harvest before hibernation.

what's on your list?

notice the unique moments that are happening around you…

i had read about a challenge before… maybe it wasn't a challenge, just a way in the door to get you started on writing again, getting creative juices flowing.

the challenge was write. whatever is in your mind, for 5-10 minutes straight, without putting down the pen, without stopping to think.without considering if it makes sense.

i had always tried… but the blinking line on the screen mocked me. no words would come….

and so today, the clouds parted and the blue sky dotted with playful white clouds… i packed my bag with my camera, journal, and pencil. a short walk to the lake to sit and breathe…

here is my non-stop babbling…

sitting on a moss encrusted bench. worn down by lashing wind, rain, life.
a warm sun blanketing the top of my head, and a gentle whisper in the wind of change in the season across my back…
my feet sink into the marshy grass,
the lake so full and heavily pregnant-water lapping at the high tide.

a man in his boat, solitary, silent, making one with the water,
crawls his way across… a voyage.

i was seeking inspiration,
thinking that there was none to be found in these moments-in these days.
when all it takes is a minute, to notice the unique moments that are happening around you.
wishes blown in the wind.

spiders weaving webs

grey swans who have matured into teenagers, their down feathers slowly turning mature and white.
the silence, and music of life surrounding…
a deep breath, felt all the way down into my toes…
a machine hums in the distance, cars passing even further…
conversations overheard by business suits, stretching their legs, getting some air. soaking up this rare autumn blue.

writing words as they come, without thought. a child's flip flip flip of their shoes, squawking and squealing as their mother chides on…

two older women, lost. deep in conversation.
their companionship strong and sacred.

faces turn to meet the sky.

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

as i packed up my bag and started to head home… i started to focus more on the small stories unfolding around me. little school children in their uniforms-free from the day of school, playing at the park, their mothers bringing them into the local bakery to pick out a cookie…

noticing the dad and his daughter, feeding the ducks. his mobile rings and he answers with a soft voice, his wife, partner, lover…

give it a try… it's amazing how quickly it opens things up. changes your perspective.

-xo.

to everything there is a season

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography