Starving Artist Ink.

intro- i really just wrote this to remind myself… and i think that it would be a wonderful idea for you to dig through your archives and diaries and see all that your year has been made up of- so many amazing things that we forget, that we think were so long ago..

as a new year approaches, new opportunities on the rise. new possibilities awaiting us…

i reflect back on this year- and seeing how full it was, packed with such amazing juicy awesomeness… i realise  how very blessed we are…

i see so many of our dreams building and coming true.

i cherish so many wonderful memories…

in january, i was insomniac for pretty much the entire month. i spent nights paintings and creating… or sometimes doing nothing. and early mornings- waiting for the sun to wake up… breathing in the untouched new air… magic, crisp, silent mornings that invigorated the soul.

in february, i danced in the street with my neighbours- as snow fell down from the sky. big smiles spread across our faces, cameras ready… tongues to the clouds. it was magic and beautiful and so sweet to see so many adults become children for a few minutes…

in march, i flew to the united kingdom and met up with a group of amazing, talented, and beautiful girlies. (who i met through flickr) we stomped through cambridge and… oh god.. it was such a magical time for me. i can't believe it really was this year- it feels far too long ago…

in april, i fell in love with spring. i guess i simply forgot about her ripeness… i always look forward to the bouncing baby lambs in the green pastures… but this past spring- i really fell in love with the earth. with ireland in bloom.

also in april- i opened my etsy store and began selling my art. this was something that i used to dream of when i was little- being an artist… thinking that i wanted to go to college to be an artist. but then 'who ever really makes a living as an artist?!' so i gave that idea up. guess what? …i am.

in may, we battled may flies and fat spiders… we endured stuffy heat and discovered ice cold pear cider. i took up embroidery as a new fun hobby/craft.

in june, my allergies reared their ugly head (ew..so literally…) and i spent the entire month being miserable… i cheered myself up by dining on fresh strawberries and zirtek.

in july, one of my best friends toured through ireland. it was so surreal to see her here… we spent a day in galway city, and then i got to spend a night with her in dublin… i can't believe that she was really in my house. le sigh…

i also decided to try something new, and added blonde highlights to my hair. i'm glad that i tried- and am now trying to make the recovery back to my red… blonde just isn't me.

in august, i shot my very first wedding. i did it solo- and boy did i work my ass off… it was an incredible experience, one i don't think i will ever forget. i'm so proud of myself for not only taking on this experience, but i am also proud of the photos i was able to capture. (especially considering how nervous i was… and how much i still have to learn about my camera)

later that month, steven and i took off to belgium! we stayed with hanno and cass (who i met in cambridge earlier in the year). we toured brussels and were entertained by la petite princess, amélie. we took trains and subways, navigated through a city split by three languages… soaked ourselves  up in the history and beautiful architecture of the ancient city… it was absolutely…amazing.

in september, i came to a difficult, and much needed space on my fertility journey. it was all very much spiritual/mental… and i think that it was the first process in letting go.

in october, one of my oldest friends (er… friend i have had the longest?) came to ireland! sigh… i never really imagined her being able to come here…her life has taken off- and she had the chance to study abroad and travel a wee bit… and i am so honoured that she chose to spend some of that time with me, in our home.

in november, suddenly i booked us tickets to fly to florida. i had been saving money to upgrade my camera… but then a few things started to click into place and made me realise how much more important it would be to spend the money on memories- instead of material. it was the first time that my entire family has been able to get together-and i am so so glad that we got to be there.  while we were there, we experienced the thick florida air, lizards, niece and nephews (and we got to meet our newest nephew)…and disney world.

also in november, we celebrated our third anniversary. oh wait, we both actually forgot it was our anniversary until the day after. so we bought a bottle of bubbly… we were both pretty tired, and i was starting to come down with a sickness. but all the same, THREE YEARS MARRIED! laaa. and many many more.

in december, i taught myself how to french braid, and fish tail braid my own hair. i know that isn't that big of a deal- but it really was to me… now i'm ready to have a baby girl so i can practice on her. hee!

we also experienced horrible ice storms, baked gingerbread cookies with my brother-in-law, and watched him sing solo in his school christmas play.

my etsy has sprouted, and i have made well over 60 sales both on, and off etsy… i have been able to make a small little living out of a few creative hobbies, which is a dream come true. i never expected to find myself in this space…and here i am.. it is so beautiful and full and rich…

–

dear future erin,

you sometimes like to think that you have to struggle for the things you want most in life… but i think that reflecting back- you'll realise that there was really no struggle. you made things happen without meaning to, or… you made things happen because you dreamed so much, and wanted so much for them to happen- that you did. you have been blessed beyond with what you have been given, the choices you made, the risks you took. and most of all- the people that surround you and hold you up daily.

i think by 'struggling' you mean- things aren't handed easily, and because of that- keep working hard, and dreaming big… i think it's just a good reminder to not take these beautiful things for granted.

i do hope that you continue to remember what you are grateful for… to live in the present, and continue to remind those that you love- just how dear they are to you.

everything is happening for a reason. and your life has been so beautiful and blessed so far.

unless you're in the southern hemisphere and you're walking on hot sand beaches…in which case. grrrrr AND let's be best friends so i can come holiday with you?

anyway.

it's all iced up here. and wouldn't you know it- it's nearly christmas. the shortest day of the year has come and gone (ohmygoodness does that mean spring is on it's way? eh eh eh?)

i had been planning for a while to make homemade gingerbread cookies with cian (my brother-in-law). thinking i had all the time in the world, but while he was over here today i all of a sudden realised OH SHIT! IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS!

so i went to the store and bought the ingredients that martha stewart advised me on.

oh sigh… he looks so much older here. it kind of makes me tear up… but then i get over that. because he's a little booger.

just kidding. i love him like crazy… i didn't even mention the other night that he came over to practice his song (he was singing Little Drummer Boy as a solo for his school play {picture here} ) after a few rounds of his tiny little voice, he read 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs' to me. (i have it on my bookshelf because it's one of my faaaavourite books- and every time he comes over he picks it up to look through it) oh sigh… isn't it so wonderful to listen to a child reading to you? oh i love love love it!

-back to the kitchen-

i've never made gingerbread before- which is a good reason to try to. but mostly because cian always picks out a big gingerbread man from the bakery whenever he gets the chance, it was his first time making them too.

i couldn't find a gingerbread man cookie cutter- so i just drew one on a piece of paper and used that as a stencil.

we made a mess, and had fun, and he enjoyed his creations… and so i promised him we'd make some more cookies soon. laaa

i'm so glad that i got to make these memories with him before he's bigger and it's uncool..

what memories are you cherishing this holiday season?

it's frosty on the ground. froshhhty in the air. the concrete stairs leading us to the outside is covered in black ice that creeps over it in the night.

seeing pictures online and hearing stories of friends who are having snow days, building snow men, pink cheeks and hot chocolate after stripping off soaking snow suits makes me a wee bit jealous… but all the same, i'm grateful that it isn't snowing here- because then it'd just be colder.

did i tell you about the fire that i lit? probably did. i repeat crap. i repeat…crap.

so all the supplies at the ready, strike it up.. feed the flames some paper and cardboard scraps.. throw in a fire log and try to get something going. some coal to keep things nice and warm once we have got a flame. only… there was no flame. only smoke. plumes of yummy delicious black smoke. half going up the chimney, the other half escaping in a cloud- right into my face. shtinking up the living room.

maybe i'm doing something wrong… er. what the feck can you do wrong really?

i'd be absolutely useless in the wild- while here… i have all the supplies at hand. dry matches and fire lighters… in the survival programs they show you how to get by with two pieces of wood. yeah right…

oh december, how you are a delicious treat of stress and anxiety leading up to such cheerful holidays. what with people running around trying to get presents in order- shipped off by a certain date. cards printed and addressed. blah blah blaah all the while crafting genius plans of how to make this season memorable and special with a sweet chocolate covered cherry on top.

mmm.

i haven't done any christmas shopping as of yet.
i don't send christmas cards.
why should bills be paid in december? i think they should wait and not bill you around this time. the assholes!
i still need to get supplies for gingerbread. to be all holiday festivities and warm cozy memories (pssht. really it's just to cross it off that damn list i made. and.. to be sweet and memorable with my brother-in-law before he's too old to want to do anything with me…sigh)
i wish that we were one of those fabulous couples who, despite being childless have THE BEST holidays ever. like… it's just the two of them, so they plan a mini trip to paris for christmas. and wake up and eat croissants and drink hot chocolate. or plan a ski trip and stay in a cozy little cabin in the mountains, have fabulous sex all day, ski, and eat all they want. you knoooow there are couples who do that shit. unless that's just the movies- or they have a lot of money.

…we are neither of those couples.

laaa i'm going nowhere with this.

i just thought i would write something different. because the draft that i wrote the other night is blaaah.. it's poo. it's depressing and weepy and wank. it's just more shit that i don't want to think about (fertility woes). so in  honour of avoiding it- i avoid everything.

and if i were to honestly talk about other things in my life, i'd tell you about twiddling my thumbs and staring out the window. because i do both great…

though, i don't really twiddle my thumbs. who really DOES do that?

i look out the window… and i talk to myself.

let's not forget how i repeat stories- so really.. i am an old woman at the heart of it.

last night i took  a sleeping tablet so i could go to sleep at a decent hour and wake up on time for a doctors appointment.
i set two alarms.

i woke up to turn them off… and then woke up again, 15 minutes before my appointment. argh!
i got dressed and even brushed my teeth and got there with five minutes to spare.

the doctor told me to keep on top of my weight.
perhaps he saw how squeezed into my skinny jeans i am?
maybe the big, shapeless sweater i threw on didn't help either…

hmph.

oooh the holiday season is such a delicious time of year.

but it also can be stress filled… leaving you anxious, a wee depressed, strung out like christmas lights- only not as sparkly and magical.

so as i'm feeling a bit anxious and bleugh, and i'm sitting here thinking thinking thinking… what do you do to find center again?

putting things into perspective, remembering what you're grateful for… making lists of things you love, things that make you happy…

at least that's what i'm going to try-

. i love the holiday season traditions. the variation from family to family. keeping the old and adding some new.
. i love the twinkling christmas lights on our tree and hanging in our bedroom.
. i love sharing a blanket on the couch with steven, our feet playing footsies.
. i love new bed clothes- sheets and pillow cases.
. i love that my parents are grandparents… it's so absolutely adorable to me.
. i love that people are a wee bit more friendly around this time.
. i love the atmosphere in galway city.
. i love re-reading a book that you loved the first time, and that the second time around you gain something new from it.
. i love being inspired

. i love being around positive, shiny, beautiful people…
. i love wisdom from the soul of young and old.
. i love stretch marks on a womans body.
. i love the way my mom smells.
. i love when the full moon glows on the top of roofs
. i love sitting outside at night, in the dark- or during a rain storm, in the silence with my papa.
. i love genuine people.
. i love small thoughtful gifts- the best ones cost next to nothing.
. i love the secrecy, rituals, and connections of womanhood.

mmm okay…

i took a break between, and read through a few of my lovelies blogs. i cried a few times and felt a bit lighter. and continued with my list.

and i think it's good for right now, before i continue on forever and ever.

what do you do to center yourself? how do you bring yourself back to earth when things are starting to get away from you?

how do you remember to be gentle with yourself?