Monthly Archives: February 2010

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the reality

writing stories in my head to tell here. boring shite that i'm quite sure i've already said more than once. weee because that's just what i do.

a friend told me that she noticed that i'm more serious lately. ha! i dunno if i am more serious, or just boring and… protective? and really unsure of how to share.

and now after sitting and looking at this picture long enough

i'm smiling and thinking 'ahh what the hell'

hee!

so glamorous i know.. but it's the truth!

i've been comparing bellies for each week- trying to figure out what i should be looking like… but oh… my goodness. that's. well. first off, you should never compare yourself to anyone? but whatever. that's another issue. secondly. holy crap! the difference between girls. some super thin girls barely show, while other super thin girls have huge round bumps.

but i'm not thin… and i had a belly pooch forever.

and then i got pregnant and wonder- is this just my belly pooch or could this be baby belly?

even though i'm pretty sure it's official.. like. i could zip and button those pants up (uncomfortably) a month ago…

i bought my first maternity clothes yesterday. a pair of jeans that i'm still not sure about. and the top i have on in the picture… which i love. (also.. it looks pregnant on the hanger)

for some reason i was covering up and hiding as much as possible before… wondering if i looked more fat than pregnant (oh god.. hahaha!) or.. being nervous of saying i was pregnant if someone asked? for.. some reason. anyway. whatever the case. i'm not really sure. my mind hasn't decided.  but right now it kind of feels more…real. maybe just with the admission of purchasing a piece of clothing from the maternity wrack without feeling like i don't belong there. asking a sales girl how these pants are really supposed to fit, and.. please be honest- does my butt look okay in these?

maybe i should take a picture of my butt in them and ask you, instead?

anyway.

so i also figure that i will stop apologizing for not posting anything here. because then it'll just become post after post of lame excuses to my…sitting on the couch looking out the window. blank mind… ness. eh. what can ya do?  i'll give ya some when i got some.

mwah!

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged | Comments (11)

oh my, is it really friday?

lately i've…

…been dreaming. and steven and i sit and share our dreams about our future. wondering what our babe will be like, what kind of parents we will be… where in the world we will end up living. i love the adventure and story in all that lies ahead.

. been sick. oh my. i was feeling really really great for a bit there. and then second semester kicked in and all of that by the book junk went out the window.

. playing in paints, trying to push myself to create again. working on a beautiful project for a friend- with so much meaning in it for me as well.. i think that my babe with me helps benefit it in some ways… i'll let you all know about it when the time is right. : )

. rereading that above entry i keep reading 'playing in my pants' er….

. waking up to bright sunlight… oh hello spring, i guess you really did make it here- early mornings that are no longer dark. i forgot how bright the sun hits our bedroom windows.

. la la laaaa'ing. with a bit of gagging. if i'm to be honest. ;-p

mwah!

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (5)

Mon Chéri

hi lovees,

did you do anything special for valentines day? or was it just another day of the week. oof. a sunday actually.. although, i suppose that is better than a monday.

i had my first photoshoot of… forever. with eight kiddies. i was so anxious leading up to it, but thankfully it turned out so wonderful. the kids were so sweet and cute and well behaved.

my pants were held together by a hair tie… i came home absolutely starving and exhausted…

and then i made dinner for the valentine and myself. took a long nap. and woke up starving again.

STARVING.

oof. this hunger… i didn't expect. i haven't been eating much lately anyway- nothing to do with any type of sickness (because so far i appear to not… have any. really. it's kind of weird. except the random dry heave)  anyway… so hunger. like a hole in my stomach.  i've got to make sure i watch it because 'eating for two' is a laugh. and i'm sure that my walking in place exercises (during ellen) aren't really doing much… better some than none?

…although i did eat two ice cream sandwiches. but it was my valentines gift to le bebe.

THEY WERE MINI.

…i'd still eat another two.

so we did nothing special. i don't think we ever have done anything special for valentines, or our anniversary… it's mostly always been a make-up thing, especially for the anniversary. if any. haha we're kind of pathetic.

we were once given a gorgeous, glorious free hotel room. it was absolutely stunning… and then at 3am we sat in that massive hotel bed eating mcdonalds…

and i don't think i'd change anything about our 'dates'.

hard to imagine that this time next year, we'll have a six month old joining us. time already flies… eep!

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (3)

creative silence

i guess all of my creative energy really is being used to create… a life, instead.

as many times as i come here and sit at a blank screen, trying to think of how to fill it with words. sitting in front of a blank paper, trying to fill it with lines. sitting with the camera to my eye, trying to see.

it all stays white. blank. incomplete. and i'm completely fine with that, it's just… weird. silent. waiting.

before i got pregnant i was obsessed with the idea of having pieces of art that i created while pregnant without knowing, and pieces to fill our home with stories that i was pregnant.. belly full. these pieces staying on our home walls for years- being the quilt of the story. threads of our lives into  it. pieces that each future child would hold as theirs, that we created together- hearts beating under the same chamber.  ha! this little muse has other ideas.  maybe that'll all come in time. i do quite like the idea that all of this creative energy was sucked up- poured into a new person for the time  being. and later on i'll discover my own again, and perhaps it'll transform into something entirely new… as we all are.

right now, i'm eager for the cold in the house to let up. for the sun to warm up the ground and force me to open windows. (uh… even though that means the spiders come back… )

eager to see leaves on the trees, flowers sprouting from the green, ice cream consumed in the streets.

ready to go home to the states, and drink in the long straight roads and blazing sun on the top of your head. a long road trip to a place we've never been. watching my brother marry through my lens.

i know that these final bits of winter (well, for us it's the beginning of spring) are making people all jittery. foam at the mouth crazzzyyyy… what are you eager for?

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (6)

mermaid legs

yesterday we got to see this bouncing little water baby…

sigh. nothing could have taken the smile off my face after seeing that.

these tiny little legs bending and pushing against one side to launch itself to the other. like your three year old does in the bathtub, sending water all over the edges- and the room full of giggles. little mermaid legs…

i wish the scan was better so you could see.. it was clear enough to watch- but this ultrasound wasn't as clear as our first one at the hospital. that's alright… i can still make out everything. : )

but not only was seeing this little babe wiggling and moving and.. an actual BABY. with arms and legs.. legs that will be chunky thighs that i won't be able to stop nibbling on. and little feet so soft and pure, having never touched earth. sorry sorry.. hee! getting off track.  ahem.  i'm in love with the doctor.

after fighting my way through doctors and specialists- just to be diagnosed with PCOS. realising that i had to be my own doctor in cases… realising that they just didn't give a fuck. that i'd have to repeat everything. every time.. tell them what i needed to be put on. research my own destiny and beg and try to convince one doctor or the next to do something… anything. besides just putting me on a long waiting list.

and now? …every single doctor, nurse, midwife i have met with- after coming in with a positive test, have been nothing but amazing and wonderful to us.

the regular doctor that i will be attending under was actually sick yesterday. so i got his replacement. b-b-but… i love him. he was so wonderful. just. happy and positive and silly and. it completely put my mind at ease about giving birth here, in a hospital.  i almost don't want my attending doctor now. haha (though, my mother-in-law did have my attending when she was pregnant, and loves him too)

anyway, we were also completely surprised to find out that i am measuring at 12 weeks already. (even though i didn't really think that the doctor in the hospital took long enough to check. and that his calculation seemed a bit off) but TWELVE WEEKS! what a sigh of relief.  and i know he's just spoiling me, so he said he'll have me back in a month to have another scan to double check. hee! just another little peek.

la la la

By edarcy | Posted in journey | Tagged , | Comments (12)

to haiti with love

i've been very fortunate to make friends with incredible people around the world.

people who have these ideas in their heart of how to help in unimaginable situations… people who just DO IT. without fear and being held back by the amount of work you have to pour into such things.

i feel honoured when these friends (who were people i used to put on a pedestal and admire from afar… and somewhere along the lines we became friends) ask if i might be able to help them…

and there's something wonderful by being able to say yes. by using what talent i have towards something bigger than myself.

recently i was asked by a dear sweet friend if i might be able to contribute to her charity auction event. To Haiti With Love

it's packed full of so many wonderful things! artists, writers, crafters, foodies… so many people got together to donate a piece to this auction.  check out broken wings for more information about where the money that is raised goes to.

in addition to all of the stuff available to buy, i have donated any choice of an 11×14 print from my etsy shop. it can be a previously sold print or one that is currently for sale.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged , , , | Comments (0)

glimpse

i have been putting off sharing for a while now…

in some ways i felt like this was too precious and delicate and.. early.

in other ways i felt awkward and unsure of how to talk about being on the other side of this fertility journey… not knowing how some people might deal with reading about what is going on in our lives.

but mostly, there is an aspect of letting go when i write. sharing our fertility journey left me incredibly vulnerable, but also gave me power… i could pour it out, release some, move on or work through… and this experience isn’t something to do that with…

this experience i’m holding tight to my chest. keeping it safe in my heart, holding it so close to me because it’s the most amazing thing to have happened…

—

i just now am learning how to let go enough to write in a journal, to record everything. i never thought i would have such a problem doing just that.  i always imagined the projects i would do while pregnant-to keep this story for our children. and then came exhaustion, and little bouts of nausea… but mostly what came was the need to pull away from everything and just be.

i guess i’ve already been introduced to what this whole experience will be.. learning new things, learning things about myself that i never thought would be.  learning to find my way in them. learning to trust myself.

and since i’ve been able to start journaling about everything, i’m feeling more confident in myself. feeling a closer connection to our babe, feeling more positive that this is my turn..

we have already had one glimpse of our babe. a quick trip to the a&e because of a little scare. a beating heart… little arms and legs that wiggle around. it was the cutest thing i’ve ever seen. neither of us expected to see such a baby. a blob. a peanut. whatever… but arms and legs and moving around… thinking about it again makes me tear up.

the doctor took forever to find it. i laid there with my head turned to the wall, tears began to pool at my eyes… i was waiting for her to tell me that she couldn’t find anything. that there was nothing but emptiness. that i was crazy and must have made the positive pregnancy test up.

…and then steven saw the flutter of the heartbeat first.  and there it was. our baby… this little dancing swimming baby.. i laughedcried, couldn’t keep my stomach still to keep that picture on the screen.. and just thanked the doctor for finding my baby..

my next scan is in a few days, hopefully we’ll get a really good picture and i’ll share with you then, and i’ll try to be more present here…  i had so many amazing people to walk with me, hold me up, help guide me. and i’ve only just arrived. (i really have no idea how people keep it to themselves for 12-13 weeks!)

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged , | Comments (4)