Monthly Archives: April 2010

Click on the title of the blog post to view the entire entry.


love manifested

i have been so blessed to have such a beautiful pregnancy so far. to constantly be held by beautiful souls who surround me in light on this transition.  to have a glimpse into such a sacred path- to feel a closer bond with my own mother-and learn to see myself in a new light as being a child who was dreamed of and loved and held in her womb… this sacred journey where i try to continue being compassionate and encouraging to women still on the path to their children, in hopes of being a light for them, honouring them… and something so much more profound- to suddenly gain so..so much respect for mamas whose baby’s come to them through adoption… to feel that trust that you have to give with your heart and soul that everything will be well, safe, healthy… those moments of doubt and anxiety, dark clouds and questions. only, these mamas give their entire body heart and soul of trust into another woman’s… i bow down to the strength. i bow down to these mamas.

it’s still so hard for me to believe that i am standing here on this path… that beacon of hope that i held onto, and every now and then got lost from along the way- is now where my feet rest, where my body swells.

–

watching my belly dance.. an ocean tide’s inside me. my body at the mercy of another force.. at the mercy of life.
a dizzying, delightful feeling… communicating between two worlds.
his hands no longer the only thing necessary to experience this force… now, eyes watch belly in motion, watch limbs stretch to surface- see a body roll in a quiver across my stomach.
laying in bed, in awe, in love.
‘you’re baby is awake‘, i say.
you’re baby… his baby…
our love manifested into life.
this light we yearned for, harvested beneath my heart.

today, i am 6 months pregnant. (uhm. oh my nesting heart. really? only three months left. scratch that. only two to prepare. nearly a full month will be spent travelling)

we had an appointment with the midwife and ob.
have i told you how much i love this doctor? how oh… god he is fabulous. i’m in love with him.
you can immediately tell that he just loves what he does. that every woman he sees he treats with respect and sincerity.
that even though there is a looooong line of women waiting in a packed waiting room, he gives you all the time in the world.
always smiling and making you laugh… showing you your beautiful baby on a tiny screen with a smile on his face- like he is genuinely happy for you and this child.
i wish that he was the one delivering our babe… because i just know that he would be so amazing and encouraging and just.. so right. but that job will be for a midwife instead, which is also so perfect and lovely… but it’d be nice to know who she is first- instead of just whoever happens to be assigned the time.  ah well, can’t have it all. i’m sure that whoever she (or he) is will be wonderful.

at the very last moment of our scan we asked to find out the sex of the baby… heeee!

right now it is a little girl to be… ; )
he was so very positive. but i know that scans can sometimes be wrong…
la la laa
we would have been delighted absolutely either way. and as people say that all they care about is that they have a healthy baby. well, really. that is the most important. but oh- i imagined both…
i had a feeling of a girl, but something was telling me not to dismiss the idea of a sweet baby boy.
and now i am confirmed more than ever that this little soul is our girl…

still so hard for me to believe. i go from being in blissfully unaware shock- to swaying and dancing with my belly in my hands, smile on my face..tears in my eyes.. – to just not believing it. – to realizing i just said ‘her legs were tucked up underneath her‘  HER!

squeeee

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | Comments (8)

nesting.

i thought it was far too early for such a silly thing to start happening. and then i looked it up after a sudden 11pm need to measure furniture… websites that said that it starts during the fifth month a lot of times, oh.. well hi there. at least that explains it.

only… i didn’t realise just how frustrating it would be at the same time. this incredible urge to get my house prepared and ready for a baby. to make a space that i have always felt was ‘temporary’ feel more like a home. stupid things to change that really don’t matter, but for some reason i feel will make all the difference in the world.

middle of the night urges to measure, create a vision of where things can move… a mental check list of things that are needed. real lists written and organized for what is needed, by category. house. baby. hospital. necessary. luxury.

list making, because that’s all i really can do right now… because i had these dreams and ideas and plans that the last cold winter we’d stay in this house was the last one. but the reality is… it’s expensive to move. it’s even more expensive and ridiculous to move when  you split time and money between being home, and travelling to see family, and preparing a nest. and. and.. and. it looks like my dreams and ideas need to shift. maybe that’s why the sudden onset of nesting- so i can get this space to fit my mind.

my mom will also be coming after the babe arrives, and it’ll be her first time ever seeing the place that we live. wanting to make sure that everything is just right and perfect- that it’s comfortable and homey. that it feels right.

trying to convert house into home.

and so right now i’m scrubbing the hallway, bathroom, baseboards. vacuuming up the millions of dust bunnies that mate on the wood floors. giving up halfway to do another job…leaving vacuum, broom, whatever- right there for steven to later trip over. oops.

better him than me. ; )

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | Comments (2)

mama

i know that i will never fully appreciate my mom until i have my baby. until i find out how intense that love is, until i go through all the same joys and difficulties that come with motherhood.

harvesting the love for this little one… my dreams for him or her, my hopes for how they will see themselves and the world- i’ve already begun to appreciate my mom so much more… it’s given me a chance to see myself in the same way that she was when pregnant with my brothers and me… i am falling in love with my baby that I’ve yet to hold…and knowing that while she held us beneath her heart, she had the same hopes and dreams… that she still sees me/us as her baby, and as any parent i know, their babies are the most beautiful to them.

1. day 159 – love to dance, we do., 2. Untitled, 3. mama kisses, 4. mecedarsky_sm, 5. random snap by hubs, 6. Mama in the Kitchen, 7. 3 generations, 8. me and her, 9. Untitled

i can’t even begin to imagine the sacrifices she has and still is making with being my mom. my mom and dad’s decisions (that i’m so thankful for) to take chances and move around the country, to explore and live and celebrate the now- instead of saving for the future. their decisions to do what is best for their family, because that’s all that matters… not only those regular (and not so regular) choices they made when we were young…but the big ones. like, letting their 17 year old daughter fly across the ocean on her own, to meet the boy she was in love with… to accept, embrace, encourage, and be excited for the journey i took when i moved 4,000 miles away from home to another country, to marry and live.

i know it isn’t easy on either of my parents… i only know what it feels like for myself- and i won’t be able to fully appreciate what they/she has done…has had to let go of.   had to trust and love and encourage their children to make the right decisions for themselves.

oh babbling hormones…

i can’t even think about it for too long. totally off track of what I was meaning to write about… and now all i can think about is what will feel like to have her here after the baby is born- and then to leave again. Oy vey…

i originally intended on writing about mothers that i know that inspire me… so without further hormones weeping and thinking about my mama and my other motherhood…

just a few of the amazing mamas in my life that inspire me.

blue bird baby {erin wallace} – her creativity and passion for life… how she creates these beautiful simple memories, traditions, stories, games with her little one… how she creates the ordinary day into art, life, magic. she is amazing, talented, creative. and such a yummy little mama.

boho girl {denise andrade} – mmm my soul. kindred. gentle. relaxing… gorgeous earth mama. there’s so much i want to say about her as a person… and as a mama- she is just. natural. nurturing. spiritual. heavenly. silly… i feel like i could come to her with any problem i would have and not feel like a failure, or silly for whatever mistakes- that she’d laugh with me and share her own wisdom in such a gentle, graceful way.  she’s a sister to have in your circle.

cass d – watching the way she comes in the door from a long day of work to immediately sit down with her daughter and play… and be silly. making the most of every moment she has with her… how cass lives with compassion for people and instead of raising her daughter by stories of how to treat people- she leads by example…and simply lives with goodness, as if there could be no other way. sigh.. it’s hard for me to explain. watching her mother in person is beautiful.

mere mortal {leigh steele} – a gentle teacher and friend. encouraging and holds no judgements… real, honest and raw- with oh so much sweetness… raising two beautiful daughters, she’s just such a strong role model of a woman… so compassionate, so…real. letting the dishes sit dirty for a bit longer so she can run and play with her kiddies. savouring the moments and things that really matter.

misplaced mama {mary bonfiglio} – mmm takes you back to the root of the root. sharing her wisdom through triumphs and hardships of motherhood… nitty gritty and raw. mama and sex goddess. guides you into thinking outside a society box- where taboos and nature exist. she gives me permission to find my inner animal. trusting my body and instincts. empowering all that comes with being a woman.

sweet|salty {kate inglis} – wild imagination and stories. juicy words tangled into this tiny gorgeous little thing. she is that girl that you want to be like, be friends with.. grow up with- who teaches you to be brave and jump off the rocks into the lake below. who introduces you to really good beer and good music. mama of boys. publisher of book(s!). comfortable jeans and laughter… she’s just. yum.

tlp photography {tiffany payment} – mama to four babies. running her own business from the ground up. juggling e.v.e.r.y.thing and then some with SO much grace… bubbly laughter, biggest, warmest smile. gentle kind heart…  mom of the year for.ever.

art & soul {angel porch} – alive. wild. crazy. fun. colourful… one of my best friends. silly amazing mama. it’s been amazing witnessing her ease into motherhood… giving up a stable job to run her own dream business, always on the go.. always making time to create and play and be silly with her favourite girl. she is summer, and happiness. baseball games and sunflower seeds. she exhausts me with how happy and energetic she is ;-p but she’s also so real, yummy… down to earth soul hippie. love her.

deb schwedhelm – oh deb. i feel so blessed to know her. mama and such a strong woman and role model. easily helps remind you to be grateful for every moment… amazing artist and beautiful soul. juggling too much always- giving, compassionate and just. so humble. she makes life better.

love your mama, she loves you.

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | Comments (8)

part of the journey

i have been on the waiting list for a fertility clinic for nine months.

and just this morning, a letter through the door letting me know of my scheduled appointment for next month. talking about the tests they would run. mentioning samples of blood and sperm…

nine months ago i sat in my GP’s office while i was on treatment with a fertility specialist and wanting to change the progesterone, because i knew it wasn’t setting well with my body.  she went ahead and wrote a letter to a free fertility clinic- telling me it would be a long wait. and at the same time, dismissing me… because i’m young.

as i thanked her for the new prescription and left her office- nearly shutting the door behind me, she reminded me again that it could take up to a year to hear anything back from the clinic. i thanked her, and said that i hoped that i wouldn’t have to go. that maybe i’d get pregnant before that arrived.

this morning i got to make a call to the secretary of the fertility clinic to say that my appointment was no longer necessary.

and i am so thankful for that…

but i nearly felt like i was jinxing myself.

all of that time. all of that heartache. all of that waiting. all of that uncertainty.

and a babe grows, 21 weeks.

–

i’m thankful that we never had to do sperm analysis. that we didn’t have to take a closer look at my eggs… that we didn’t have to do anything more invasive than a vaginal ultrasound to confirm my PCOS.

i’m thankful that the first fertility specialist we went to- that i found by word of mouth- filled us with hope (which i think was the most important…more important than any medications or procedures). he believed in me. he didn’t discriminate against us because of our age. he didn’t push me to the side… he didn’t think it was silly.  he was honest and sincere, and his office was decorated with pictures of babies from hundreds of women who also found hope in him. women who were successful in finding their babies with help/hope from him.

i’m thankful that i listened to my instincts- and changed what he prescribed to me against his, and my doctors advice.

i’m thankful for affordable healthcare, and free maternity and newborn care.

i’m thankful for this journey. finding my way through such a heartache haze. being able to share my story and find a tribe of women who hold me up. thankful for this mysterious part of the journey that is new. exciting… filled with spots of uncertainty. forcing you to once again- give yourself over to hope and trust.

each week still feels like a giant milestone. one more week past another safe zone. one more week closer to a healthy baby.

today’s phone call to cancel the fertility appointment felt… i guess a mixture of bitter-sweetness?

grateful that i can say i don’t need that right now, passing my appointment on to another kindred soul on such a trying journey.  and also a wee bit…like a security net has been taken out from underneath me?

–

baby has moved positions… it sits in a space more quiet than it did two weeks ago- where i felt every nudge, every little kick, stretch, roll. a pattern forming of when it was active and when it was resting.

but this mysterious baby continues to be a mystery to me… finding a quieter space- further away.  i wait for a moment in the day to feel a tiny nudge to know that all is well. that my body and baby continue to be healthy and strong. trying not to distract or disappoint myself if it’s quiet-because it’s still early days. because baby is growing and needs rest. because i know he/she is moving and i just can’t feel every motion. because… i have to trust. (is trust, hope, patience the lesson that this babe brings with it for me. on this whole journey?)

because i’m emotional. and hormonal.

and i got to cancel a fertility appointment i waited so long for- because i’m pregnant with the baby that i waited even longer for!  and i’m celebrating that.

and i know that my other journeying mamas will celebrate that part of their journey at some point too.  : )

love.

By edarcy | Posted in journey | Tagged , , | Comments (1)

dreaming of silly simple things

feeling restless..

seeing so many inspirational blogs talking about setting up their boxes for their gardens, planning out what they are growing this season… digging in the earth.

dirt under fingernails, black bare feet… a sore back from bending down and tending the earth all day. preparing and loving…  i don’t even think i am good at growing- i don’t really know much about any plants or vegetables- how to take care of them and nurture them… but i wish i did. and i want to.

1. the garden is open, 2. my little garden gnome, 3. Food, As Local As It Gets, At Charles Street Gardens, 4. Freshly Harvested Tomatoes at Charles Street Gardens, 5. in the garden with a bit of blur, 6. Untitled, 7. in the garden with the weeds, 8. Untitled, 9. in the garden with a close up

i’m dreaming of it… and while we live in a ‘town house’.. surrounded by concrete. some people really go for it and make a ‘city garden’ but no… i need earth.

i’m hoping for next spring to be ready.  i’ll get everything ready to get my hands dirty and hopefully grow a few hearty, fool proof veggies to entertain myself with. because a baby obviously won’t be enough.

…and then there’s creating.

because picking up a camera or paintbrush doesn’t sound very interesting to me… no. sitting at a sewing machine all day, the hum and rhythm… that sounds nice. that sounds perfect.. it sounds almost as divine as a big porcelain tub full of hot water and a good book. almost. but i have neither a tub, nor a sewing machine. so it’s all dreams for this girl…

1. work in progress, 2. spring! sewing!, 3. Not available, 4. make this fabric banner/ garland, 5. Untitled, 6. vintage threads, 7. Vintage Singer Children’s Sewing Machine, 8. Sewing Room Madness, 9. thinking of sewing

finding so many delicious projects… so many sweet fabrics… so many things to make for a baby.  sigh.

and if i’m not gardening, or making a blanket or sweet little outfits… i’m dreaming of a kitchen with all of the baking equipment (and ingredients) at my disposal.  cook books stained with delicious recipes lining a shelf… perfecting and learning culinary skills. dreaming of baking sweet cakes and buns with a little one underfoot. carrot cake, strawberry cake, pound cake with fresh strawberries…banana breads and blueberry muffins.

1. Untitled, 2. homemade strawberry cake, 3. pie!, 4. baking time with mrs. s, 5. spice pumpkin bread, 6. Untitled, 7. vintage baking, 8. 8am: tuesday morning, 9. help!

instead i sit here restless… hopelessly dreaming. not living in the present- because the present is bringing me ugly, cold, windy grey. and a house i’m itching to get out of… dreaming of silly simple things… a laundry line in the back yard, grass to press my feet into, summer sun to dance against my skin.

…but i am savouring these moments. even though i don’t feel like i really am. dreaming about this baby and the future- and still savouring every single movement and kick from within, right now. in the present… holding my belly and dancing. marvelling at my growing shape… falling in love with steven more and more each day that brings us closer to this baby we made together… relishing this peaceful sweetness that is just us. just a marriage between two best friends. waking up and laying in bed together to talk and share dreams… a lazy breakfast together, no need to think of anything or anyone else. his hand or ear to my belly. imagining what it will be like to have a little mini in the house.

life is good.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (2)

rain. snow. sun. repeat.

the weather is bi-polar this year… it’s been so crazy.

waking up in the morning to sweet spring skies. birds singing… to all of a sudden a wall of white/grey. everything has gone dark. the wind picks up and howls through the cracks in the windows and door… reception goes, lights flickering. rain pours down (nothing new) but then suddenly… massive white flakes of snow… sticking to the rooftops.

snow.

and while that might be a common occurrence in colorado during the spring, it certainly isn’t here… and. it freaks me out.

ahortly after the snow, the clouds separate revealing a bright blue sky, birds start chirping away- going about their business.

aaagh! i don’t like it…

i realise now that pretty much every spring, especially in oklahoma where the weather changes drastically within minutes- i panic. and worry.. worrying about the trees and plants. their little roots ready to stretch. their buds ready for the sun. worrying about the birds that have come home, still building their shelters and homes. worrying about baby lambs born out in the fields, and the seeds that have just been planted.

but every year, when all is said and done. a hard winter and a terrible spring… they all find a way to make it through.  and quickly the summer heat looms directly overhead, threatening to suck all of the moisture away. aaaaagh! bog and grass fires..

nature is not for the faint hearted..

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (1)