Monthly Archives: May 2010

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mileage

i didn’t update much at all when we were at mamapapa nest. mostly because i didn’t want to spend much time sitting on a computer when i had home to soak up.

and now, a little over 24 hours travelling later- we left oklahoma and arrived back in ireland. exhausted and with more mileage tucked under our travelling wings. i’m thankful i didn’t have to do that trip alone- being pregnant and trekking through massive airports… having someone to lift all the heavy bags, deliriously exhausted- drooling, when i managed to catch a snooze. someone to let you know when you suddenly birthed a white head on your nose.  good times. we had an adventure.

i’ll try to start posting some things of what we did when we were at home- major long road tripping, baby showering, wedding attending, mamapapa cuddling, friend hugging… good times that ended far too quickly.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (1)

as many letters in the alphabet

Dear baby,

We’re 26 weeks now… and you have been so…so good to me. My body gives way to you easily. You sit down low in my belly- curving your body this way and that…. Shimmying your shoulders and wiggling your bum. You cast tidal waves through your ocean world so big that my belly dances with you. It amazes me, this feeling that I can’t describe. This feeling of knowing where your feet are and your hands- by the tiny tickles I get on either side or low down in my pelvis. A random stretch and a kick in a new place in my body- where I’ve never felt you before. The hardness I feel of your head and your bum on either side of my belly…

My breasts leak at night, I wonder what I’m dreaming about, I wonder what you’re dreaming about… it’s all weird and wonderful at the same time. Seeing the proof that my body is preparing for your arrival- that my body knows how to do it’s own thing… trusting it to shift bones and give way to life. Allowing it to do what it intends- to birth you…comfort you…feed you. Mama’s body is always this sacred place of home. Where your head rests against her mushy belly, listening to familiar soothing music… breathing her scent in deep… I still do it with my own mama. Her body is home, and my body will always be yours…

Some days you like to explore and be loud, and move all day. and then there are the days where you are so quiet and gentle- and hide… moving more towards my back, where eager hands to feel you are hard to reach. I sat in the car with you today, knowing you were quiet- but wanting to make sure you were okay… just thinking about you. Waiting for a little nudge, and sure enough a few taps with your delicate feet, small enough to barely witness, but enough to say ‘I’m right here mama..’

It makes me wonder what it’s like communicating with you- without words. I don’t feel like I have to say anything…we’re just. together in this. do we ever share dreams? Or is your world it’s own private viewing?

Tonight your dad held me in his arms, we cuddled in bed as a storm shook the walls and lit up the night sky. And as he held me, he talked about how we’re in bed with our entire little family… our babe there with us. His hand sliding across my belly… you always respond to him. His delicate touch or deep rumble voice, and there you are.

You are so loved, sweet babe.

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | Comments (7)

where in the world

it’s been too long.
i am home, where the dirt is cayenne red clay. my little cousin and i used to run around and paint our bodies in the red clay- pretending we were indians. the bottoms of our feet stained red from running barefoot all day.

i’m sure her mother was happy to have us come into the house on her white carpet floors.

anyway. home. in oklahoma. where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain. and of course- they already have. with some lovely tornadoes passing right past our house, leaving only a trail of hot gusts of wind and massive ice chunk hail. (i’ve always loved it so… something so electric and exciting in the air… the smell of a storm.)

it’s so good to be here. soaking up all the love from my friends and family-who i’ve been able to share this baby moving from the inside, against their palms…

spending mothers day just being silly with my mama, deep belly laughs and fun pictures to hold onto forever…

mama… all i could ever wish for is to have a similar relationship with my daughter, that i have with you….

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (1)

burp from the underworld

if i could paint you a picture of a beautiful volcano goddess, i might… but then i’d probably resent her. my dreams were full of nothing but rivers of lava last night…

this trip going home has not been so smooth sailing so far.

a little over a week before our departure time- it was sudden news that steven wouldn’t be allowed to come with me. it was a frantic rush to call immigration attorneys, contact congress whatevers, make emergency appointments with the embassy. try to create some game plan so we wouldn’t have to be needlessly separated for three weeks. and suddenly, the clouds parted- and the weight was lifted. and some restriction that was originally just a miscommunication was cleared up. i laughed some maniacal hysterical laugh- because i was so high on super emotions of trying to figure out what we needed to do next, tight schedule, freak out.  and suddenly i could breathe again.

the volcanoes ash finally cleared over europe, so flights resumed…

and now, we sit in wait. as she’s blown more smoke and ash and bad, stinky breath over us…
a mixture of red and green lights telling us it’s safe, or not safe to go.

out of my control… breathe.. don’t become too attached..

there’s no choice but to honour her, and wait our turn. because no amount of bitching will make it stop.
i tried to get some rest before we catch the 2am bus that will bring us to the airport (where hopefully no cancellations will await us) but, sleep won’t come… my  body is already tired, large dark circles becoming a permanent fixture to my face. the 20 hours of travel ahead of us is already settling in, churning my anxious stomach as i sit and refresh the latest news and airport information…

tra la laaa

who would we be without a little extra drama thrown in for good measure. ;)   makes for memories.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (0)

she.

it’s all flashing before my eyes..

this life.

i think that before knowing the sex i was blissfully unaware. feeling movements from within, a growing waist… a babe to be- but really… it was just that.  a baby, no identity. a dream… an idea of the future.  i could write to ‘it’, imagine him or her… day dream. i still have the positive test just to prove it to myself…

but it was always just that. an it. not necessarily a reality.

and then it just hit.

this baby is a person. this baby went from ‘it’ to someone.

anxiety dreams have come crashing down.

suddenly time is speeding up, and i no longer have a baby- but a toddler… a girl, with a mind of her own. who dictates what she wants… who has a personality. who is a person…

someone who i have to learn to know. to encourage. to protect… someone who i already love so fiercely…

anxiety dreams of dumb, simple things… like forgetting about where i left her- to bigger things like, ‘can i do this?’

i know i can..i know i will. i know i will learn.. that she will be my greatest teacher. and that we have time together- to figure each other out… so i can be the mother she needs me to be.

…and then i see my friends who have daughters. and i can’t help but feel so weepy and excited, so emotional and nostalgic.  ..that will be me. with my daughter.  and i think of my mom, with me…

and it’s all so real. so quickly.

and i just know that time will never be the same again. that it will only keep going so much faster now, now that i have someone so much more in my life…

will i be the right mother for her. will i know how to encourage her to be both strong and vulnerable. to be compassionate and understanding. to stand up for herself… what will i do if her confidence falters, or her heart is broken… will i have the answers that she needs…

why do i feel so much more responsibility with a girl than with a boy?

–

these moments are so weird and foreign to me. i’ve been so confident about all of it… no worries about birth. ready for whatever happens, knowing that we will both be well.  feeling confident and strong in my body. feeling confident and strong in myself that this will be natural- that i can trust and listen to my instincts. secure that i have a beautiful group of women all over the world to fall back on when i need support, guidance, love. blessed that i have such an amazing husband, who will be a beautiful dad- and that together we can raise a family.

i feel like this soul and i are already so connected, and so different… that she has brought me so much peace and beautiful visualisations… and that she has so much to teach me, and to offer the world- already. i feel completely prepared for her in so many ways, and then… completely unprepared, clumsy, naive all of a sudden.

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | Comments (2)