waking up this morning, fresh out of a dream about my babe. i scoot to the edge of the bed, bare feet to the wood floor. naked belly and breasts exposed… i look down and notice how incredibly big my belly is this morning. round. separate from me, yet all mine.
my silvery stretch marks continue branching upwards, light pink new growth flowing from these old scars.
thirty three weeks. my babe, thirty three…
my hips are loosening, expanding for their upcoming job. my body becoming a gateway from one world into the next.
we prepare for your arrival, sweet one…. by dreaming about you. i’m certain that there really is no way to prepare for you, because once you are here- the world will be different, and my heart will have been changed forever… you will show me what you need. most of all, i believe that you’ll simply need me to trust myself.
this pregnancy has been an entire lesson on finding trust in myself and in my body. i’m so grateful for that, because i feel like it gives me confidence and trust in myself and my body for birth and mamahood.
i’ve been reading a few of ina may’s books for childbirth, i immersed myself and found a passion in birth well before you found your way to my womb… a pull in my heart towards birth- like it was something that i helped women with in a past life… like it may be a path in my future.
but for your birth, for our birth… i’ve decided to stop reading. i want to know enough to make educated decisions, to have the confidence and know what is going on to say ‘is there an alternative we can try first…‘ or simply ‘can i have a little bit more time’. i want to know enough, because it’s something i love… but be naive enough to simply flow. to not over analyse what is going on. to let go of mind and sink into body. to trust my body, and to also trust the women who will be taking care of me.
i find there’s so many judgements in the mamaworld. whether you give birth at home or hospital, natural or epidural, bottle or breast, sling or stroller… co sleep or nursery down the hall, home made food or jarred. blah blah blah- it’s never ending. i get so tired of it. women who have forgotten that we’re all in this together. we’re all going through our own trials and tribulations. we’re all learning what’s best for us, and for our babies. and ultimately- as long as mama and baby are both happy and healthy, isn’t that the main thing?
i get so disheartened when i see and hear about women quickly judging another mama for a choice she made in raising her baby. the judgements quickly turn into harsh words about how fit she is to be a mother. two hardcore sides, yelling what is right… when at the bottom of it, there’s one thing that bonds us all- we all love our children. we all want what is best for them, and we make educated decisions that will suit us, our baby, and our family best. we sometimes seek advice, but ultimately- we have to trust ourselves and our decisions. we make mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we don’t love our baby any less. we learn. we grow. and it’s necessary…
so it’s always refreshing to find other mamas who just… get it. who are compassionate and understanding. who make no judgements. who believe in honouring and trusting ourselves and each other.
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i found my birth and mama mantra… wisdom from one goddess mama to her baby girl. but as i read it- i feel like she’s talking to me too…
‘My darling Ostara Light, one day you too might give birth to your own son or daughter.
I want you to know that by hook or by crook, however your child comes in to this world is the way they needed to be born.
You may have a water birth, an induction, a caesarean, an orgasmic birth, an assisted delivery, an active birth, a vaginal birth, an episiotomy, an epidural, an ecstatic birth.
And they are all equal dearest, because they are all still the act of birth.
Your babe’s birth will be an initiation, and you will emerge the warrior mama goddess they need.
You will find strength, courage, grace and faith deep inside you, hidden in mountains and trees.
You can do it, my dearest daughter.
I believe in you, and know you are supported and surrounded by thousands of angels.’
-goddess leonie
and so i sit, and envision how i will breathe… how i will move my hips. how i will hum and moan. how i will look in your dads eyes- and beg him to help me… i envision how i’ll need to call out and deep down inside for the strength and energy. i’m sure that i will lose myself from time to time, needing reassurance that i can, and i will do this. because at the end of all of that hard work, my babe.. i will finally meet you.
this is how i prepare for you. i give myself over to you. trusting my body, and letting go of ideas. honouring that you will come when you are ready, and how you are meant to arrive. i let go of control- because nothing controls the forces of nature, so why would i expect to be able to control the most pivotal moments of mother earth; birth.
i adore the ways you have changed me already… carving me into the mama you need.
