Monthly Archives: September 2010

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talking with meme

she’s always a happy girl… with her eyes that smile when she does…  she melts me.

By edarcy | Posted in claire | Comments (3)

{one month}

dear sweet claire,

you are now a month old. already… how that time has gone by is beyond me. how you are here… how our lives have been changed in such a simple, sweet, and dramatic way. some days it feels no different from any other- you fit in so flawlessly… you just are.
it’s so hard to imagine that just a month ago you were still only a dream- so close but still far away, a mystery. and right now i lay in bed and either have you at my side, or i look down at your crib watching you sleep. just a month ago- there were two, and today- three…

i have so much that i want to tell you, things that i think of at night- but when it comes to writing it down i quickly forget… i’m trying to remember everything, i’m trying to remember everything for you. so that way you have your story. so that way i never forget these details that i cherish so much.

i’m glad that i wrote your birth story when i did, because as time goes on i start to realise that my body is nearly healed from the memory of your arrival. and i know too that my mind will do that with all of these things that i think i will always remember- how could i forget how sweet your smiles are when you find me with your eyes… or how your hand rests on my chest while you’re eating.. this familiar sweet *gulp gulp gulp* and your eyes rolling into the back of your head in a milky bliss…

i fall in love with your dad even more when i see him with you. how natural he is picking you up, putting you on his shoulder… how he gets right down on the floor with you and talks to you. laughing at the faces you make… one of my new favourite things is when he’s holding you- to come up and be in his arms too… our little family wrapped up in his arms. how did i get to lucky?

you’re changing everyday… legs that stretch out longer- legs that are stronger… extra rolls on your thighs, puffy full cheeks. you are beautiful…  your wild dark hair, your eyes that smile when you smile… your sweet rosy lips. i could go on and on- eating you up. loving on every bit of your itty bitty body.
as i was feeding you earlier, i looked down at you and suddenly you look so big… sigh.

-

we’ve been breastfeeding for a full month now- and i absolutely love it… for some reason i never once considered the bottle… having you this close just feels right. and when i get you latched on right, listening to your rhythmic sounds, gazing into your blue eyes,  i can’t imagine it any other way… the first week was the hardest- but its gotten easier every single day since. you’ve grown heavier in my arms…

sometimes at night i wake up in a panic- thinking that you are in my arms.. sometimes i’m sitting up in bed, cradling a blanket- thinking in my sleepy state that i’m breastfeeding you… and suddenly in my panic i’m afraid that i fell asleep with you in my arms and i’m trying to find your face- to make sure that it isn’t covered by a blanket. but- you’re always safe… you’re either in your bed, or in your dads arms… even when i bring you to bed with me- i don’t wake up in a panic to find you, i always know right where you are, and know that you are safe. you sleep so soundly cuddled against my body in the bed, i feel like we’re both spoiled with it- because i love sleeping with you. it feels just as natural and right as breastfeeding does.

i feel like i’m starting to know your cries now… generally i feel like if i listen to my instincts on what is going on with you- i’m right.. but sometimes i sit there not knowing what to do- what you need- what you want. eventually though, we figure it out… you aren’t a fussy baby (yet), and have been so very kind and gentle on breaking us in to parenthood.

tomorrow your meme leaves… it makes me sad knowing that i wont have her here to share you with. but she’s had a full month to hold you, rock you, sing to you, love all over you… soak in your newborn smell. she arrived just in time to hold you while you were still hours old. having her here has given me more confidence to trust in myself- that i can do this mothering thing… that my mothering instincts that i’ve always had are right- and i just have to listen to them. trust them.

a month already my little love…

love, mama.

By edarcy | Posted in claire, motherhood, {daily} | Comments (4)

first weeks

i’m sitting here on the couch, the laptop balancing on my lap… this sweet milky breath goddess on my shoulder fast asleep.

these days have gone by in a blur. some days i try to stay awake a bit longer- so i can take in more of the day, so i can look at her a little bit longer, so i can spend a bit more time with my mom while she is here… but then ultimately i’m exhausted and end up teary and needing to catch up on a bit of sleep- rather than spending any time on the computer catching up with the rest of the world.

now that i’ve gotten past the first two weeks- i wrote down a few things that were vital for survival, if i didn’t write them down after the first week, i’d sit here- forgetful of those early foggy days.

first being steven. from his support through labour, birth, and afterwards… his encouraging words- telling me how amazed he is at what i have done, at how i’m doing. letting me know that everything i am doing is right- and good- and that i am a mom… his extra hands to hold a drink in my mouth while i figured out nursing her (oh the thirst! i’ve never drank so much water in my life…), feeding me apple slices while both of my arms were in use trying to get her to latch on. fetching me towel after towel- for the amount of milk pouring out of me… taking his baby girl and holding her for hours on his warm chest- so i can sleep a bit longer without waking to her every whimper to make sure she is alright.

my mom. at first i wanted her here when claire would be around two weeks old- claire obviously thought different, and arrived just as mom was on her way here. i really don’t know how i would have gotten through the first week without her- i know i could have, but i don’t think it would be as smooth.. i think there would be more tears. she’s been the perfect reassurance. not to mention keeping all the clothes washed, food cooked, house cleaned, and another pair of hands and warm chest for baby girl to lay on while i sleep some more… i didn’t realise how much i needed her until she was here.

washable nursing pads- tons of them. i bought a pack of TWO. luckily while i was at home one of our friends made me six pairs. i still need more. constantly shoving them into my bra. soaking them. washing them.

cloth diapers- i bought one pack. i should have bought more… they’re the only thing that soaks up the breast milk without soaking through too fast like everything else. i also shove these in my bra….

lanolin- my nipple is so beyond cracked. i wouldn’t really call it cracked- it looks like a big chunk of skin is gone out of it. you really wanted to know that… but really… lathering it on and putting on a fresh breast pad. it’s healing..

nursing bras- different ones. ones that clip at the top, and ones that easily pull down with one hand.  i hate wearing bras- and am now having to sleep in the things… get a few- easily soak through and has to be washed often…

breast shells- for engorgement, and collect the spare milk so it doesn’t just go to waste. (i no longer have to use them, but it was a life saver in the first two weeks)

breast milk storage cups- to pour all of that excess milk into so it can be frozen. mama has some serious oversupply… (at three weeks, she’s starting to get used to the let down.. so i don’t need these as much anymore. but from three days i had already hand expressed let-down milk- 18oz… to freeze. it would be such a waste to just leak that into towels.)

breast shields- using it sparingly on the poor wounded nipple for her initial latch on. is a life saver, or else i’m sitting here cussing, with tears rolling down my face at the pain of her first latch onto that breast. i took it off after 5 minutes, and latch her back on. no problems with nipple confusion.

ice packs- to ease the fire pain of engorgement.

non stretchy baby wrap- i’ve been able to wrap her up and go to the shop, walk around town… everything. she sleeps soundly and is safe, and also- far away from strangers hands that might be tempted to touch her. it’s been interesting with all the looks and double takes i have gotten with wearing her on my chest, i guess people here haven’t seen it that much.  i’m wanting to get the ergo baby carrier as well- will be nice for when she’s bigger, and for winter walks- rather than pushing her in a stroller in front of me, she’ll be nice and snuggly warm on my chest.

boppy- to help position while feeding. i have two- one for upstairs and one for downstairs. also, buy or get someone to make a few extra boppy covers for it- as you’ll get milk all over it…

tylenol- undercarriage is a bit sore and bruised, painful back from the shifted weight and heavy boobs, cramps from everything settling back down to where it’s supposed to be, sore nipples. wise to take before things start to get extra sore.. oops.

phone number for nurse or lactation consultant. because there will be questions, doubts, uncertainty, tears

journal- to write what you’re thinking down at night  while you’re trying to sleep but your mind can’t shut off…

–

it’s all simple. basic things…

i’ve started to find a rhythm.. but i know that just as i say that- things change quickly.. a new learning curve constantly.
breastfeeding gets better and better each day… though sometimes i feel set back by her wanting to use me as a pacifier and spitting up from too much milk from it.
i have  a little list of things i bring up with me for surviving the night; bottle of water, 3-4 breast pads, lanolin, 2-3 cloth diapers or towel, mobile phone to keep track of time and feedings.  all stacked up and setting on my night stand.
(i’ve been writing this post for two weeks….)

she sleeps at night in her bed at the foot of ours… first for 4-5 hours. wakes for food, a change, and to smile and gurgle… then sleeps for 5-6 hours, repeat. then roughly 2 hours… then i bring her to bed to sleep next to me, where we can get roughly an hour.  those hours of feeding though, are sometimes that- hours… feeding, changing, burping, rocking, sucking, rocking, singing, bed… fingers crossed. mmmm sleep.

also, i don’t know how anyone has guests in the first two weeks- it wasn’t until after that that i was able to actually wear a shirt… mostly going around the house in a bra, or topless, milky… people need to wait. it can be super overwhelming to know someone is going to come over- just as you’ve sat down on the couch to feed your baby… not fully able to cope on  your own, needing multiple hands..

uhm… there were other things that i was going to talk about.. but typing one handed is making it slow- so thoughts are forgotten fast.. er.

…sometimes i can’t believe i’m THE mom… i am the comfort…. i am the person you hand the crying baby back to- where she instantly starts to calm… i’m that. and that’s amazing….

By edarcy | Posted in claire, motherhood, {daily} | Tagged , , | Comments (6)

birth story {part two}

{part one here}

I knew i was pushing too hard, that this baby was coming fast- but i was also scared that if i didn’t get her out on my own right now- i’d end up with the next intervention… so i pushed. And pushed. And soon felt that ring of fire as her head crowned…steven watching her arrive in the world…

20 minutes of pushing..

Her head out, and then i felt the slither of her  body slip from between my body onto the bed- i looked down and saw this huge baby laying there… my arms so ready to hold her. i kept expecting them to hand her to me immediately, but they were waiting for the cord to stop pulsing- and let steven cut the cord.

Finally, her warm wet body on my chest- she smelled delicious and like nothing i’ve ever smelled before- warm…  she was delicious. Moving her head, rooting already. After a while they handed her to steven so the doctor could come in and stitch me up. she seemed to really.. really.. take her time. then again, claire came fast- so there were some things to repair.

Then the midwife tried to get her to latch on, i was exhausted… i know that part of it was from the full day- the labour- and part of it was from the epidural making me so tired.

We had around two hours before they put me in a wheel chair to wheel me to my bed- i had to kiss steven goodnight…

The midwives decided to keep Claire with them so i could get some rest. I wasn’t happy with the thought of that- i felt afraid that i wouldn’t know her when i saw her… afraid that they’d give her a bottle while i slept.. afraid that i just.. wanted her. but, i was also so grateful for them keeping her for me- because i was so tired… i wanted desperately to sleep.

I slept for about an hour or two and woke up needing help to the bathroom, and to ask if she was okay- the midwife reassured me again that she was sleeping happily and that they would bring her to me when she was ready to eat.

she came back to me, about two hours later… wheeled in her little cot. my baby… how could i not recognize her? all of her wild dark hair.

the nights in the hospital were rough. i desperately wanted steven. my mom had just arrived in. i wanted home. my bed. a shower. my nipples were cracked and i felt trapped in such a small room shared with another girl and her baby. i asked to be discharged early and was quickly sent on my way, where we’ve been home- cocooning since…. soaking up her deliciousness…

–

trying to tell her birth story- when i replay it in words,  it sounds somewhat terrifying. the unknown blood, the intensity. the panic. it wasn’t at all how i expected it to be… it wasn’t the birth i signed up for- but saying that, thinking about our birth is not as intense and scary as it all sounds. immediately after i told steven that we’d do this again. that i would do this again. that i wanted to give birth again..

the following days steven and i sat and talked and shared her birth from both of our perspectives. he cleared up the foggy details for me where i lost them. each retelling bringing it all back.

i didn’t have this natural earth mama birth that i thought i might be able to have. it didn’t feel spiritual and amazing. i didn’t feel like a goddess bringing life into the world.

but it was all still amazing all the same. and steven looked at me like i was a goddess after he watched me give birth to her. he treated me like a goddess and continues to remind me that i’m doing everything right…

she came when she was ready to come. she came how she was ready to come. even though we were forced with an induction- she came right when she needed to. right when she was supposed to. in her own way.

she is exactly the familiar and mysterious one i held inside…

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged , | Comments (7)

birth story {part one}

The roads were dark, and the half moon shone brightly, far up in the early morning sky… slipping away under the cover of the early hours, before all the houses woke up…

Fog greeted us, patchy and randomly thick… it felt mysterious and beautiful, and silent.

Walking into the labour ward- I’m given my bed and started on a little pill to soften my cervix. midwife says this baby wont be born until tomorrow-the second.  Steven and I walk and walk… we sit and eat. We talk and share- I feel no pains- but randomly feel as if some of my waters are leaking.

No pains or ‘progress’. Second dose to be inserted. If this doesn’t work- we stop and begin again in the morning.

Steven and I climb the stairs and walk- my back feels different, more pain..

Progressing quickly, feeling overwhelmed… I lay in the bed- that I share a room with- and moan with my eyes closed..steven comforting me through… I ask the midwife to check me—contractions are lasting 60 seconds and coming every two minutes- I feel like I cant get on top of the pain..its incredible. I cant find a source to say where it is coming from- or a source to direct it.

The midwife checks me and says .5 centimeters…

I can’t believe it…that feels ridiculous

She says that these are forced contractions from the pill—and to get in the bath to see if that helps. Steven helps me into a hot bath- that feels lovely. Still painful, but not as fast.

I step out of the bath and am hit with a wall of painful contractions- like the water just held them off to catch up with me. I start to get panicky.

We make it back to bed where I lay and moan as quietly as possible- my room-mate has visitors, and the only thing separating us is a curtain.

Too much… I ask for something to take the edge off- and am given a shot. Contractions space for a little while, I can find myself and breathe with them- but soon they start intensifying quickly..

I lay with my eyes closed the entire time- not knowing how long has passed. Steven suggests I get back on my ball- so I do. I sit for a while, then decide im going to be sick- the pain is too intense.  We make it to the bathroom- where I dry heave- I ask steven to wait outside so he doesn’t have to see me throw up.  Nothing comes out… i start feeling shaky and weak and ask him to come back in

he sees that I’ve leaked on my skirt—im not wearing any knickers, so I put a piece of toilet paper between my legs- and its covered in bright red blood, I wipe again- this time, a clot comes with… I have no idea what it means- but steven is serious and tries to get me to walk as fast as I can back down the corridor to the midwives.  I’m completely away, somewhere in my body but not really clear in my mind. i saw the blood and acknowledged that something wasn’t right, but at the same time didn’t feel the urgency of it… knew i needed help-but also was just far far away.

They put me in a labour bed and try to get me to calm down- im shaking and scared now..the midwife checks and im only 3cm. I break down..only 3 with this much pain.. its only going to get worse and i’m not coping well right now.

She talks about pain relief- I cry… feeling defeated—I need this pain to ease a bit so i can get on top of it myself… I don’t want to do this anymore..crying, I keep apologizing  to the midwives- who encourage me to suck  the gas and air so I can calm down. Steven keeps reassuring me that I am not failing, that I need to have some relief- that these are forced contractions..

I felt a few gushes and let the midwife know that i feel like i pee’d myself… really, it was a gush of blood…(this happened a few times) I asked a few times what the blood could be from- but the midwife says that she can’t be too sure, it could be multiple things and she doesn’t have the answers right now…

I say yes to the epidural- which is administered quickly..and immediately I feel better.. surprised that I can still move my legs- I thought I’d be completely numb.  I can still feel the pressure of the rushes, they’re still heavy enough for me to feel and need to breathe through.  Now i can *see* steven. Sitting there watching me, waiting for me, i feel like i’m back again.

My waters are broken- and soon enough I see the midwife scrambling to get her birth kit unfolded on the table… i have no idea how long it’s been, but she seems somewhat surprised at how fast things are moving now. She lets me know that with my next rush i can go ahead and start pushing to see if we get anything moving. i had no idea i was ready yet- it feels like it’s only been 30 minutes since i first climbed into the bed… it all feels very odd- feeling the rushes but not feeling that i’m *thisclose* to having my baby. it doesn’t feel real. i kind of feel like she’s lying to me.

I asked her how long i’d try pushing for, she let me know that she would give be an hour of pushing and then we’d see where things were.

I started to give a few pushes, and the midwife moved my hand down to feel her head, still so high up- but emerging… her wet warm head there at my fingertips…

{to be continued…}

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged , | Comments (6)

cocoon in the babymoon

…i’m still writing her birth story. still writing things. things things. whatever comes to my head. whenever it does. whenever i have a chance to sit at the pc for a bit- if i choose to spend time that way.

mostly though, cocooning. with her. with steven. with my mom while she’s here with us.

renting a car and taking long road trips to discover new places.

figuring out breastfeeding. – babe has put on nearly two pounds in a week. filling out these cheeks and arms and thighs and mmm… she is delicious…

i will be back.

cocooning right now.

xo

By edarcy | Posted in motherhood | Comments (2)

{week}

dear sweet claire,

today you are a week old. a week.. already. i know that they say time flies- and i knew it would… but really? i feel like i’ve just barely closed my eyes to catch up on some sleep… and there you are, in my arms, a week old. i’m writing your birth story, sometimes the details go a bit hazy- trying to remember what happened when, but your dad and i sit and talk about it- recounting the day that you came into our lives… right now our lives consist of breastfeeding, sleeping, eating, changing diapers, and repeat. and each day i grow more and more confident, and more and more capable of doing more than just sleeping and feeding you. a few minutes to catch up on e-mail or take a picture of you.

today was the first day that you went out of the house, i wrapped you up snug in a wrap and we went for a walk through the town.you slept the entire time with your face against my chest…

we sit around holding you, loving on you, singing and talking to you until you smile for us…

i want to be able to remember all of these days, to write them all down. to write down all that i am thinking and feeling- and then as i sit down to, i start to yawn.. thinking maybe i should go catch up on some sleep since you’re here sleeping on my shoulder… wondering if i should sleep, knowing i’ll have to wake up in a little bit later for the next feed… survival mode at the moment.

so, this isn’t eloquent and lovely.. but words and feelings are swirling around- and i will try to get them out for you, so you know our story.

we’re so very much in love with you. and already i can’t imagine what it was like without you here…

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Tagged | Comments (13)

{welcoming}

miss claire amélie jane darcy was born quickly in the late hours of september first, at 11:38pm. weighing 8 pounds, and 21 inches long…

…we’re smitten.

more soon!

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | Comments (10)