Monthly Archives: May 2011

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nonsense no.13

. i haven’t seen the sun for.. weeks. the sky clouded with a grey blanket. feels like autumn. earth soaking. i’m loving it, and also looking forward to laying in the daisies with my girl when everything dries again

. i planted lavender, mint, rosemary, thyme… cherry tomatoes, bell peppers, sweet peppers, jalapeño peppers.. the ones that are supposed to grow as wild as weeds? lavender, and mint? i must be babying them too much.. sigh. i’ve planted them both twice- waiting for sprouts… getting ready to just pot them and leave them outside to fend for themselves.. instead of babying them in the windowsill.

. dealing with an airline that declined my european card four times… spending time and money to transfer funds over to american card… being declined twice. again. stress shoving eating oreos. finally. finalized.

. butterflies and bitter-sweetness. i’m going home! and. ohmygod i have to fly internationally by myself with a baby… and. holy.fuck….. i’m going to miss my man…

. quiet. quiet. no words to compose.

. feeling eager to start painting, ready to get going… ready to get my prints in order and just DO IT. learning curve of working with limitations of baby naps, nursing, playing, needing to be held, putting things in mouth, pulling things off shelf.

. finding more local artists online- and… it’s giving me that desperate feeling of wanting to befriend some of them. feeling those butterflies of wanting to join in- to just speak up, and bring my stuff…and sit right along side them, soaking up their chitter.

. my list of dream to-do goal..whatevers is growing by the day. finding what way i want to venture with my art, the people i want to mingle with… i. just need the courage. and the kick up the arse to just..do it.

. i need to figure out how to organize e-mail inquiries. getting lost. feeling crazy and anxious and afraid to disappoint- getting too lost and cluttered up. need. to sort myself.

. picking out my dreads with my fingers, because it’s addictive.. and then putting them back in again. oh dear. i don’t know what i’m at

. eating cookies for breakfast, because why not?

. dreaming of the perfect house to let- and knowing that it will show itself available when the time is exactly right for us. trusting. because mama really wants a house. this apartment has served us well, so lucky to have the landlords we do- lovely to be in the centre of town. but i’m desperately ready for house. home.

. which means that i will also claim a room as a studio. yep. weeee! i mean, i could have one here- we have a guest bedroom, but it feels just.. not right.

. a commercial that was just playing made me cry. that’s what happens when you become a mama… you know what’s silly? i mean, i’m totally becoming my mama in this way- i was watching the music video – whip my hair – and i cried. i cried because all i could think and feel was that mama pride in watching this little girl just. being. doing her thing and being happy and confident and innocent and powerful. sooo yeah. guh. my heart. these babies..
i’m ridiculous.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (1)

{this moment}


. every day she pushes the boundaries. she pushes her body further and further. she lifts her body to her knees and she crawls. she pulls herself up to stand, she grabs a hold of something and pushes it around the room to walk… she takes the sandwich out of your hand and takes a big bite… she scrunches up her nose and laughs… she smacks her lips when you smack yours… she squeals when her papa comes in the room… she. she is. divine.

never in my life have i felt so.
.alive.

like, i’ve arrived.
colours are more vibrant
the scent of rain more sweet
walking around in my skin feels like i’m floating

out of all the things you hear about motherhood, i never heard that it could be like this. and so i never expected it to be…
i’m addicted.
——–
when i see pictures of myself from before… from the journey of infertility. i see a completely different woman… i see so much sadness, so much weight carried. so. alone. lost.
it’s so bizarre to witness that transformation
from her
to me.
because i stand here today, light… in love, radiating the joy that i feel deep, deep in my bones.
and in the pictures of myself today- i see someone new.
i’m in love with her…

in love with this life.

By edarcy | Posted in motherhood | Comments (3)

naughty*locks

i’ve wanted them since i was 13. but i wasn’t ‘allowed’
i had no idea how to make them, i didn’t know the basics, i didn’t know anything about them.. other than the fact that i wanted them.. craved them.
every few years i’d come back to them- contemplating, asking, looking, dreaming. but it was never the right time.
opposition, opinions.

it’s been 10 years since i first crushed on dreads.
and finally.
one night. i added one. teeny. tiny. little. baby dread to my head. and i fell in love with it.
yes yes yes yes
i ended up going to sleep with 4 little babies tucked secretly under my hair
and woke the next day- to completely finish my head
tons of wee baby dreads adorn my head

‘hey babe.. would you be mad at me if i decided to get dreads?’
‘no. i don’t care’
‘that’s good, because i dreadded my head today!’
*eyes shoot open*

he likes them.
*sigh* thank you…
i love them.
isn’t it silly. how hair can transform how you feel.

my hair, post partum- has gotten so thin, lost so much. bald patches that are now regrowing. the shower becoming a bath tub with the amount of hair trapped in the drains. the texture of my hair changed, more brittle and sad. lifeless. i was fighting it everyday from the knots it was forming- putting it up in an ugly bun on the top of my head because there’s nothing else i can do with it. feeling. frumpy. ugly. blah.

i planned on getting my hair dreaded by the dread goddess in portland this summer- when the original plans were to go home to oregon. but the plans changed fast- mississippi will be the home to go to this year, and i couldn’t find anyone with good recommendations in louisiana or mississippi online. plus, that was 200 bucks…

and so.
one night.
i just.
knotted.
and now…

wee naughty knotty little things
and i love them

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (10)

*this* moment

a 3:30am wake up from a giddy girl… flapping her arms and screeching in bed. wake up! wake up!
i could groan…
in fact, i did.
oh baby… go back to sleep. stop twiddling your mamas nipples. why are your fingernails so SHARP? shhh shhh shhh.. sleeeeeep.
but i crawl out of bed and hoist her to my hip
and then in a moment i realise.
this gift.
this time…
this middle of the night- while the wind rushes through the seals in the windows, doors, and chimney. shaking the house… the atlantic weeping on the windows.. the sky still pitch black while the world sleeps
her body curls into mine, burying her face in my neck
this time.
for me
her.
my one… in this moment. my only.

and it won’t forever be that way…
and she won’t forever be this small in my arms
so i’ll take this 3:30am
these pinches on the soft of my arm as she nurses

because i know that this time next year, hell… this time next month- i’ll be wondering where my baby went

but right now. she’s here. in my arms.
with me…
my baby. my baby…

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (3)

one day, i decided.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (2)

citizen of the world

my girl finally got her american passport
it’s the cutest thing. i just might get her irish passport done before we travel to belgium in the fall.
but for now, this works on getting us where we need to go.
home.
over the river and through the woods.
now just to book the ticket
i’m anxious to know what it will be like travelling by myself with a baby
i guess we’ll see in the next couple of months

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (2)

my recent obsession

cherry tomatoes.
mmm…
i swear that pregnancy changed my taste buds- because before, i couldn’t stand the squish and sliminess of a tomato. the taste wasn’t appealing either. gross. but i wanted to like them, they just seemed so refreshing and lovely

and, well.. now i’m kind of addicted. popping handfuls of cherry tomatoes in my mouth during the day. growing some on the windowsill.

yum

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (2)

.for our future.

so it seems that it takes the DEATH of a person to bring the country together… where are you the rest of the time? spending time bashing each other, spreading hatred, trying to disprove citizenships.

segregated and hateful.

and suddenly, in an instant in the news- ‘united’

it’s one thing to feel grateful for the end of a terrible reign. it’s quite another to be dancing about in the streets like animals. are we all so far removed that we don’t see the similarities in ourselves with images we find disturbing? of middle easterners dancing and celebrating the death of fallen soldiers and citizens?

two wrongs don’t make a right..

my heart goes out to all military and citizens in the middle east right now.
my heart goes out to the citizens of the WORLD

wishing for safety and peace
and the hope that we begin celebrating the right things, acting with gratitude, grace, and compassion.

——–

justice does not come from removing someone from the earth. justice comes from righting wrongs. and. unfortunately. it isn’t as easy as killing someone. nothing can be done to make up for all the badness that has happened over the past decade, and then some.

the only thing good that can come from it, is growth. learning from our past… preserving our humanity.

choosing to rise above and be better… choosing a better future for our children and theirs.

choosing, that rather than celebrating like barbarians- we hold our family closer. to honour ourselves and each other with love. so that one day, we act out of the goodness of our heart, rather than out of revenge.  and that this will be seen and felt the world over.

namaste

i honour the light inside you- that is also inside me… that is inside us all.

i choose to believe that there is ultimately more goodness in this world, even when proved otherwise.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | Comments (18)