there’s these little flashbacks from a year ago..
the warmth from the last of the summer sun…
the silence and anticipation
the feelings of hope tinged with urgency to try to go into labour before a dreaded induction.
the sleepless night in advance, crawling into the dark bedroom alone- while steven stayed up a few extra hours.
heartburn
waking far too soon… still dark out.
the glow on my face from the monitors as i watched the most beautiful blessing made by a tribe of my women across the globe.
the way the fog clung to the morning air
the moon still hanging in the sky
silence…
i sat in the front seat, my hands clasped around my stomach… communicating in silence with her. within.
pulling up to the hospital, all dark.
shuffling with our arms full of stuff through the hallways, florescent lights
a band stretched up over my belly
and the room filling with that thump thump heartbeat
she kept kicking one of the monitors- annoyed with it’s position on her. squirming and moving away from it.
walking. up. and down. up and down..
bouncing up and down the curbs
circling the parking lot
determined
somehow yet, it still hadn’t really crossed my mind as to why i was here.. what all this work was about. it never really dawned on me that TODAY, today you will meet this baby you’ve been waiting for…
squatting in the grass at the bench, is my water leaking?
kind smiles.. knowing smiles..
the cramped room, stuffy, shared.
lunch carts and busy staff
hooked up again, nothing… nothing new.
let’s begin again.
and then i walked out of there and suddenly my back.. oh my back hurt.
but it didn’t even occur to me as anything.
after that, the flashbacks become more of a blur of time.
time sped up
laying on my side in the bed, moaning quietly while my room mate had visitors
one leg lifted in the air, because somehow that made it feel better..
a desperate bath
a bounce on the ball
trying to figure out when a contraction starts and when it stops and oh my goodness i don’t know because is it really ever stopping or starting or just constant?
oh no… there’s the end of that one.. no wait another one
a flash of this sweet midwives face, the tenderness in her eyes as she watched me lean over her desk, grimacing..
telling me how beautiful i am
more bouncing and rocking on the ball…
intense. i’m gonna be sick.
dry heaving
wipe of blood. woah. for some reason blood never crossed my mind.
haze. blur. out of this world
slow motion
trying to catch my breath, find my voice.. unable.
gas and air, yucky on my lips. tingly in my arms.. i don’t like it
crying and trying, again, to find my voice. apologizing.. just. needing a second to find myself and unable to find that second.
steven’s pale face looking at me with such worried, loving eyes
far away from him, laying in the bed.
warm gushes between my legs,
midwife rushing back and forth between paperwork and cleaning up
scared. defeated.
resigning to epidural
i’m back in the room now. back in this world. surprised that i can feel my legs- determined to give birth to my baby
feeling pressure, pushing a little bit with each sensation.. not telling the midwife
just guuuuuuuuuuuuh a little give. it feels nice
(i really don’t like this woman… of course i got her. of course)
‘are you pushing?’
‘i don’t know.’
(hahaha)
she checks me, and then starts getting out packets and packets of stuff.. opening packets of instruments and laying them out
she’s a blur around the room
suddenly she tells me i’m 10cm and that i can start pushing
‘are you joking?’
she must be. how am i already 10? i was just 3.
‘how long will i push for?’
‘i’ll let you push for an hour and then we’ll see’
directed pushes are hard, but i feel them.. with the epidural, i still feel them, and i like that. it hurts- but it’s good..
the IV in my hand is distracting and painful, i can’t move my hand the way i need to, to hold my legs.
pushing a few contractions, and then i’m told ‘okay.. we need to get baby out now’
and i take that as- now. now now now now. i’m not having a c-section. this baby is coming now.
ring of fire.. woah. yes.. exactly as it’s described.
and baby came…
twenty minutes after i began, she left one world for another.
her head first, i was ready to push her the full way after that- but had to wait for a contraction.. so hard to wait…
a deep breath.. relax. wait for it.
__
dear claire,
a year ago today, we met for the first time in the flesh… before that, i had only longed for you, dreamt of you, and felt your mysterious presence wombside.
a year… it seems like so little for the depth of how our worlds, our hearts, have been changed.
