Starving Artist Ink.

i haven’t started to explore the idea of possible (in)fertility again just yet, bringing myself back to that place seems impossible, but of course- it’s always there. maybe this time it’d be different if it were still a struggle, because at least i know now that my body can achieve a healthy pregnancy, birth, and nourish that babe.

i’ve yet to have a moon that brings the blood again, and while most women would be thrilled to not see a period for over two years- i’ve been craving the release, and eager with anticipation to get to learn my body all over again. i feel like there is a possibility that i’m ‘cured’ from PCOS, but who knows yet. exclusively breastfeeding for a year, and continuing to nurse on demand around the clock is suppressing any notion of a fertile womb at the moment.

we take the wonders of that cycle for granted in our society these days… your blood is a burden, embarrassing, or dirty. young girls standing on the threshold of womanhood- learning from their sisters before them, their mothers and aunts and cousins… hearing ways to get rid of it completely, hide it, don’t let it ruin your plans, your life..

this beautiful organ, a vessel of life- that brings great mystery and power to women.. this vital piece of our make up, that we treat like it’s shameful, too private to talk about- and too unimportant or complicated to learn and understand.

as this girl blooms into a woman, she’s introduced to pills to suppress it, control it, and take her one step further away from her body- stopping ovulation. she’ll probably be on it for years, try different versions- because they all really suck and have crappy side effects, but she’s never known any different, she’s never been taught any different. in basic biology and sex education, she’s taught that she could get pregnant at any time, from almost any surface…  she now is at the mercy and control of a pill, or shot, or implant. she is at the mercy of machines that make medicine to cure. what are we curing exactly?  naive of how her body works, or if anything is abnormal with it at all, she takes the pills until it’s the 7 little white pills, representing her cycle – or maybe it’s come at an inconvenient time, and she’ll skip it altogether. (because THAT sounds super healthy)

how empowering would it be to give that young girl the tools to know her body individually? it’s unique make up, the way her body works- not the perfect textbook example, 28 day cycle, pill popping body. but the way that her body is beautifully and perfectly made? what about empowering her to know the days that she’s fertile- so that she can prevent pregnancy should she decide to be sexually active? giving her the tools to make better decisions for herself. empowering her to simply know her body, no surprises, no mystery to unfold- that the second something changes in her cycle- she can identify that something is up.. identifying how the food she eats, the activity in her life and stress impact her.

i feel like i instinctively always knew that i had something up fertility wise.. i dreamt of being a mama, but always had the feeling that it was going to be a struggle, my worst fear- even then- was not being able to have my babies.
a late bloomer, my moon blood spilling on my 14th birthday- initiation into womanhood as i blew out the candles.
there was the awkwardness of school, of learning the tricks of the secret femme- sitting on uncomfortable pads, ready to go home and sleep on a heating pad, cradling your aching belly. there were spots, lots of spots- leading dermatologists to put me on birth control, and later on accutane. later yet, i switched to different forms of birth control- to ‘regulate’ my cycle. every pill, the ring yadda yadda- every bit of it was only putting off the inevitable, and taking me further away from knowing my body- knowing the underlying issues..

what if i would have known my cycle as a teen? what if i would have let my hormones balance themselves? what if we were aware of polycystic ovaries and other fertility issues that we like to cast to only business women in their late 30s?

when i’ve talked to some friends that are the same age as i am- friends who are far from ready to begin a family, i’ve been told that they don’t need to know anything about their fertility- because they don’t want a baby.
but this isn’t about a baby- this is about YOU..
this is about your body, your health, like any other organ in your body.
this is about having the choice, the confidence, and the control over if you want to avoid pregnancy, or achieve it. empowering you in your body.
i think the word ‘fertility’ is throwing them off, and things that advocate ‘natural family planning’ can be misleading- as you aren’t planning a family at all. (and could possibly be off putting as the term has been coined by the roman catholic church)

fertility awareness, do you practice natural family planning? how did you learn about your cycles?
(for anyone that doesn’t and would like to- Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great place to start) *it’s as simple and easy as looking for the signs of impending ovulation/fertile fluid while going to the loo. no need for charting or temping if it’s not your thing. taking notice of how your body is communicating with you.
am i wrong in believing that this should be taught in schools?!

i feel like it’s such a privilege and honour to have a daughter, that through the years i’ll be able to give her the wisdom of our brilliant bodies..