today you are a week old. a week.. already. i know that they say time flies- and i knew it would… but really? i feel like i've just barely closed my eyes to catch up on some sleep… and there you are, in my arms, a week old. i'm writing your birth story, sometimes the details go a bit hazy- trying to remember what happened when, but your dad and i sit and talk about it- recounting the day that you came into our lives… right now our lives consist of breastfeeding, sleeping, eating, changing diapers, and repeat. and each day i grow more and more confident, and more and more capable of doing more than just sleeping and feeding you. a few minutes to catch up on e-mail or take a picture of you.

today was the first day that you went out of the house, i wrapped you up snug in a wrap and we went for a walk through the town.you slept the entire time with your face against my chest…

we sit around holding you, loving on you, singing and talking to you until you smile for us…

i want to be able to remember all of these days, to write them all down. to write down all that i am thinking and feeling- and then as i sit down to, i start to yawn.. thinking maybe i should go catch up on some sleep since you're here sleeping on my shoulder… wondering if i should sleep, knowing i'll have to wake up in a little bit later for the next feed… survival mode at the moment.

so, this isn't eloquent and lovely.. but words and feelings are swirling around- and i will try to get them out for you, so you know our story.

we're so very much in love with you. and already i can't imagine what it was like without you here…

…we're smitten.

more soon!

yesterday was a day of cleansing. i went to the shop and bought tons of cleaning supplies and scrubbed my floors until my back hurt. i scrubbed the kitchen, the toilets. dusted, swept, mopped. i shaved my legs for the last time while being pregnant…

i confided in friends, and i spilled to the internet.

all i needed was to be heard. to be understood… to know that nothing i felt is wrong.

i felt like all i really needed was to cry. to go over what the possibilities are… to go over what is going to happen with this birth- and the days that follow. i felt like all i really needed was to cry- because this body of life is ending, and a new one begins…  i sit, running my hand across my belly- feeling every little movement she makes… i stand there, holding a secret deep inside- my secret. our secret. our baby… my family…

and i made peace last night, at 3am. with all of it. with however it unfolds. i accepted, embraced, and let go. i'm at peace…

these are the last moments i'll have with my baby safe inside me…

i'm trying. so very trying. it seems to be a roller coaster. changing by the hour. at one moment i'm feeling fine, hopeful, and sometimes very just… 'over it' and couldn't really care.
and then.. that flips. and i'm desperate. restless.. upset. done.

and i don't want to spend the last days of this pregnancy feeling bitchy and desperate.

i don't want to talk or think about it any more… but what else is there to think about? finding something to distract myself only lasts so long before i'm sitting here, dwelling.

dates have come and gone. due dates. prediction dates. the only date left is the final date- the induction one. where i'll be officially 15 days 'over' due. a date set with the midwife for early wednesday morning.

i go to bed each night thinking 'okay.. maybe i'll wake up in the middle of the night with a contraction' only to wake up in the morning without even the slightest cramp. still pregnant.. still. so very pregnant.

i know that it's only a few days, that i will have her in my arms and all of this will feel so very ridiculous. but that's just it- i will have her in my arms.
and right now i don't.
right now i'm trying to find as much patience as i can.

–

i don't want to be induced..
i had hoped to labour at home for as long as possible before making the journey to the hospital.. to be able to move about my own home as i need… to take a shower in my shower. sit on my toilet. curl up in my bed with my husband… to be able to move freely, eat what i want, wear whatever clothes- or no clothes- however i feel most comfortable.

but the induction date approaches. drugs that force your body into opening without it's consent. one thing that could lead to another and another- that i don't want to think about. i hoped to sink into this birthing process, to let it wash through me and over me- not a sudden onset with pills or i.v. coursing through my body.

i don't want to spend the last days of this very amazing pregnancy- upset and crying. wishing for it to end- so that way it doesn't have to end on someone else's terms…

everyday i'm still hoping that i have time, that my our bodies will start to work together so i can bypass the early morning appointment at the hospital. but every hour that passes by without  a hint- or worse.. when it passes by with a tease of things happening… bringing me closer and closer to feeling like i should just resign to another idea of how this might go..

walking sterile, foreign hallways- with other moaning women. sharing a room with someone else, an uncomfortable bed- a public toilet, a space that isn't my own, isn't comfort. isn't home. where you're conscious of what noise you make, what body parts are covered, who shares the room with you.. aware of visiting hours- and when your spouse has to leave… denied food because it's not serving hours. limited movement/space. confined.

i know that in the grand scheme of things- how i give birth, and where i give birth doesn't matter. that all of that will really not matter when i have her safely in my arms. that we are both healthy and well- time together, my little family. i know that once she's here- the rest doesn't matter… if i gave birth naturally or with pain meds. if i gave birth through my body, or surgery. i know that once she's in my arms- those things won't matter so much..

i know that birth is something that i can't control. it's also something that i don't want controlled. i don't want it dictated, on someone's terms… i don't want it numbed.  i want to lose myself in it's uncontrollable power.. i want to experience this all. i want to trust my body to do what it will- as it wants…  birth is messy and raw- and that's how i hope to still have it… not tidy and pencilled in to a book.

…i know that this is just one of the beginning lessons of motherhood… letting go. finding patience when it's the most difficult. crumbling and rebuilding. opening myself to be honest about my thoughts and fears.  having absolutely no control- and needing to learn to be okay with that..

sigh.

trusting. trusting. trusting…

i first showed you the pig here

and i have wanted to recreate this picture of my mom for forever… today, i decided. was the day.

my mom stands, in 1987, wearing her favorite denim jumper. the only thing that fit comfortably through her pregnancy with me… holding the pig that was to be mine. this picture was taken the day before she gave birth to me.. how sweet is that?

and there i stand, in 2010, wearing my favorite dress. the only thing that fits comfortably throughout this pregnancy with my daughter. holding the pig that was mine from birth, and the pig that is to be hers. (you can't see them both very well.. i tried to do a picture of me with one each. but oh. difficult. this will have to do). wouldn't it be so magic if this was taken the day before i give birth to my daughter too…

it was the perfect reminder…

i've been finding that no matter how often i remind myself to soak up this time, to relish this body, to trust that she will be exactly as she needs to be- come when she needs to come… just as i know i am the mother she needs me to be.

i've started to forget. easily growing grouchy with every passing day. anxious for swirls of energy to start…

and then those simple words when i asked if the full moon might bring this virgo baby here.

it makes so much sense, and feels so much more right.. calms my grouchy anxiousness. grounds me again.

of course, this little baby decided to be an earth baby… and all i needed was to be grounded. cenetered. trusting in this harvest energy that she swirls.

so completely in love with these women in my life- with their simple wisdom and love. knowing that i don't need remedies and ideas on how to get things started, that all i need is just to remember… to relax, and know that everything is as it should be, everything is in it's right place.

i'm fairly positive that we're ready for you to make your entrance into the world. your due date came and went, and while i definitely wasn't holding much thought that you would be born on your due date- i… i don't know. in ways, i feel completely content about where we are. about things being exactly as they are, taking our time, trusting.  i completely feel that.i completely honor that. i *know* that you will come when you are ready, and i love that.

and then in other ways, i'm just excited- excited to experience your birth, anxious to meet you.. to see you.. to hold you.
also, none of my clothes cover my belly. i'm quite ready to be able to sleep on my stomach again too.. and your little foot violently shoving against my side is intense. how do you still have room to move so violently. come out, so i can kiss those little feet instead.

p.s. baby. your meme is due to arrive in 12 days time. i'd really rather have you and be out of the hospital and settled at home in my nest before she arrives. so please?

love, your emotional. tired. mama, with her belly hanging out. (the fashion of my preggo season)

edited to add: i had my 40 week check-up with the midwife and dr. all is well and healthy. i'm relieved that my doctor said that he is happy to let things go naturally and let my body and baby do what it needs to do- for as long as we're both safe and healthy. at first- when i found out i was pregnant- i started preparing myself to have to fight to allow things to go as naturally as possible until circumstances changed things. (like inductions, unnecessary interventions etc.)  i've been proven wrong each time and am so very glad for the care i've received so far.. i had my heart set on a home birth since before we got pregnant, but having my baby in the hospital- that's midwife run- has got to be the next best thing.

so, i won't have another check up with the doctor until i'm 41+1. which will be the first time they ever do an internal exam to see if i'm dilated (that is, if i want to have that done). it's amazing to me how hands-off, relaxed, and natural the entire approach has been through this pregnancy with a medical institution. and i love that.. they've been trusting that pregnancy and birth are completely natural- and normal, until something tells them that something is wrong, and they've acted quickly to ensure that everything is safe (like.. with my two night stay for a bit of high blood pressure and protein).

the way the maternity hospital works over here is that midwives run the show- midwives are the ones that take care of you through your labor, and deliver your baby. the only time a doctor is brought into the room for your birth is if an intervention is needed. otherwise, you're surrounded by a team of women who have specialised in everything birth.. and i think that's pretty amazing. (not to mention that all maternity and baby healthcare is free. which is even more amazing and something i am so very grateful for).

mama + baby by nikki mcclure

and then she made her way beneath my heart. zapping all of my creative energy. i like to think that my muse was spending all of her energy swirling and manifesting with this babe…

this last month has suddenly been a surge of creative energy and excitement for me- my mind full of ideas for my shop. creating a 'fan page' profile to better connect with previous and future clients… re-opening my shop and offering originals, new and old. clearing out my drawers of paintings that aren't being loved while hidden away. ahhh it felt SO good.

and then i had to go and close the shop as my due date approaches. not wanting to add any extra stress on making sure that i reply back to sales or e-mails. sigh… just right when i was feeling on such a role with where i was going.

all of these ideas for when i return. i'm excited about what the future holds, and wondering equally how much i can achieve with soaking up this new babe… how much my energy will shift. if i'll still have as much enthusiasm or… just how long that will take to recycle through.

i really really wanted to wait to introduce some new paintings for my return, but i couldn't help but share a sneak preview of what is to come…

Butterfly Mama and Caterpillar Babe. from e.darcy on Vimeo.

i lalalooove watching other artists create. seeing their process from start to finish. and now that i've done this once, i'm addicted. i want to make so many more.

so excited for what the future holds.

this new babe in my arms, my head swirling with ideas for products and things to offer in le shop… connecting with new people around the world.

this feels good… and right.. and amazing.