Starving Artist Ink.

The roads were dark, and the half moon shone brightly, far up in the early morning sky… slipping away under the cover of the early hours, before all the houses woke up…

Fog greeted us, patchy and randomly thick… it felt mysterious and beautiful, and silent.

Walking into the labour ward- I’m given my bed and started on a little pill to soften my cervix. midwife says this baby wont be born until tomorrow-the second.  Steven and I walk and walk… we sit and eat. We talk and share- I feel no pains- but randomly feel as if some of my waters are leaking.

No pains or ‘progress’. Second dose to be inserted. If this doesn’t work- we stop and begin again in the morning.

Steven and I climb the stairs and walk- my back feels different, more pain..

Progressing quickly, feeling overwhelmed… I lay in the bed- that I share a room with- and moan with my eyes closed..steven comforting me through… I ask the midwife to check me—contractions are lasting 60 seconds and coming every two minutes- I feel like I cant get on top of the pain..its incredible. I cant find a source to say where it is coming from- or a source to direct it.

The midwife checks me and says .5 centimeters…

I can’t believe it…that feels ridiculous

She says that these are forced contractions from the pill—and to get in the bath to see if that helps. Steven helps me into a hot bath- that feels lovely. Still painful, but not as fast.

I step out of the bath and am hit with a wall of painful contractions- like the water just held them off to catch up with me. I start to get panicky.

We make it back to bed where I lay and moan as quietly as possible- my room-mate has visitors, and the only thing separating us is a curtain.

Too much… I ask for something to take the edge off- and am given a shot. Contractions space for a little while, I can find myself and breathe with them- but soon they start intensifying quickly..

I lay with my eyes closed the entire time- not knowing how long has passed. Steven suggests I get back on my ball- so I do. I sit for a while, then decide im going to be sick- the pain is too intense.  We make it to the bathroom- where I dry heave- I ask steven to wait outside so he doesn’t have to see me throw up.  Nothing comes out… i start feeling shaky and weak and ask him to come back in

he sees that I’ve leaked on my skirt—im not wearing any knickers, so I put a piece of toilet paper between my legs- and its covered in bright red blood, I wipe again- this time, a clot comes with… I have no idea what it means- but steven is serious and tries to get me to walk as fast as I can back down the corridor to the midwives.  I’m completely away, somewhere in my body but not really clear in my mind. i saw the blood and acknowledged that something wasn’t right, but at the same time didn’t feel the urgency of it… knew i needed help-but also was just far far away.

They put me in a labour bed and try to get me to calm down- im shaking and scared now..the midwife checks and im only 3cm. I break down..only 3 with this much pain.. its only going to get worse and i’m not coping well right now.

She talks about pain relief- I cry… feeling defeated—I need this pain to ease a bit so i can get on top of it myself… I don’t want to do this anymore..crying, I keep apologizing  to the midwives- who encourage me to suck  the gas and air so I can calm down. Steven keeps reassuring me that I am not failing, that I need to have some relief- that these are forced contractions..

I felt a few gushes and let the midwife know that i feel like i pee’d myself… really, it was a gush of blood…(this happened a few times) I asked a few times what the blood could be from- but the midwife says that she can’t be too sure, it could be multiple things and she doesn’t have the answers right now…

I say yes to the epidural- which is administered quickly..and immediately I feel better.. surprised that I can still move my legs- I thought I’d be completely numb.  I can still feel the pressure of the rushes, they’re still heavy enough for me to feel and need to breathe through.  Now i can *see* steven. Sitting there watching me, waiting for me, i feel like i’m back again.

My waters are broken- and soon enough I see the midwife scrambling to get her birth kit unfolded on the table… i have no idea how long it’s been, but she seems somewhat surprised at how fast things are moving now. She lets me know that with my next rush i can go ahead and start pushing to see if we get anything moving. i had no idea i was ready yet- it feels like it’s only been 30 minutes since i first climbed into the bed… it all feels very odd- feeling the rushes but not feeling that i’m *thisclose* to having my baby. it doesn’t feel real. i kind of feel like she’s lying to me.

I asked her how long i’d try pushing for, she let me know that she would give be an hour of pushing and then we’d see where things were.

I started to give a few pushes, and the midwife moved my hand down to feel her head, still so high up- but emerging… her wet warm head there at my fingertips…

{to be continued…}