Starving Artist Ink.

…sigh.

i'm trying. so very trying. it seems to be a roller coaster. changing by the hour. at one moment i'm feeling fine, hopeful, and sometimes very just… 'over it' and couldn't really care.
and then.. that flips. and i'm desperate. restless.. upset. done.

and i don't want to spend the last days of this pregnancy feeling bitchy and desperate.

i don't want to talk or think about it any more… but what else is there to think about? finding something to distract myself only lasts so long before i'm sitting here, dwelling.

dates have come and gone. due dates. prediction dates. the only date left is the final date- the induction one. where i'll be officially 15 days 'over' due. a date set with the midwife for early wednesday morning.

i go to bed each night thinking 'okay.. maybe i'll wake up in the middle of the night with a contraction' only to wake up in the morning without even the slightest cramp. still pregnant.. still. so very pregnant.

i know that it's only a few days, that i will have her in my arms and all of this will feel so very ridiculous. but that's just it- i will have her in my arms.
and right now i don't.
right now i'm trying to find as much patience as i can.

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i don't want to be induced..
i had hoped to labour at home for as long as possible before making the journey to the hospital.. to be able to move about my own home as i need… to take a shower in my shower. sit on my toilet. curl up in my bed with my husband… to be able to move freely, eat what i want, wear whatever clothes- or no clothes- however i feel most comfortable.

but the induction date approaches. drugs that force your body into opening without it's consent. one thing that could lead to another and another- that i don't want to think about. i hoped to sink into this birthing process, to let it wash through me and over me- not a sudden onset with pills or i.v. coursing through my body.

i don't want to spend the last days of this very amazing pregnancy- upset and crying. wishing for it to end- so that way it doesn't have to end on someone else's terms…

everyday i'm still hoping that i have time, that my our bodies will start to work together so i can bypass the early morning appointment at the hospital. but every hour that passes by without  a hint- or worse.. when it passes by with a tease of things happening… bringing me closer and closer to feeling like i should just resign to another idea of how this might go..

walking sterile, foreign hallways- with other moaning women. sharing a room with someone else, an uncomfortable bed- a public toilet, a space that isn't my own, isn't comfort. isn't home. where you're conscious of what noise you make, what body parts are covered, who shares the room with you.. aware of visiting hours- and when your spouse has to leave… denied food because it's not serving hours. limited movement/space. confined.

i know that in the grand scheme of things- how i give birth, and where i give birth doesn't matter. that all of that will really not matter when i have her safely in my arms. that we are both healthy and well- time together, my little family. i know that once she's here- the rest doesn't matter… if i gave birth naturally or with pain meds. if i gave birth through my body, or surgery. i know that once she's in my arms- those things won't matter so much..

i know that birth is something that i can't control. it's also something that i don't want controlled. i don't want it dictated, on someone's terms… i don't want it numbed.  i want to lose myself in it's uncontrollable power.. i want to experience this all. i want to trust my body to do what it will- as it wants…  birth is messy and raw- and that's how i hope to still have it… not tidy and pencilled in to a book.

…i know that this is just one of the beginning lessons of motherhood… letting go. finding patience when it's the most difficult. crumbling and rebuilding. opening myself to be honest about my thoughts and fears.  having absolutely no control- and needing to learn to be okay with that..

sigh.

trusting. trusting. trusting…

so, i'm not a mama yet. but i feel like i have a pretty good idea about what some mamas want, need, or would really just love to have- so i've put together a few sweet gift ideas to share!

for mama:

Clutch organizer- fill it with a journal or address book, some stationary, pen, and a little book of stamps. Help mama stay organized and keep all of her thank you notes, baby announcements, and grocery lists all in one place.  Make up a card to place inside that has the phone numbers for her midwife, labor department, GP, and local lactation consultant

Nursing necklace- so baby has something to play with and keep them focused. Plus, it’s pretty..and jewellery that isn’t fragile and won’t risk breaking. Might keep sticky little fingers from tugging on your hair when nursing.

Ceramic eco travel mug- remind mama to stay hydrated. A gorgeous way to enjoy a morning cup of tea. Gift it with some raspberry leaf, and mothers milk tea. OR Hot cold travel mug- so mama will always have her water with her. Looking after everyone but herself, mamas get dehydrated- and fast. A good milk supply is established with mama looking after herself and keeping herself well hydrated.

Cucumber depuffer eye serum- help mama feel like she has some control over her sleepless night, puffy tired eyes.

Pretty journal- to keep track of anything her mama brain might need reminding of. Whether that’s the last feeding time, what needs to be picked up at the grocery, and all those little thoughts that come to mind about baby that you want to remember forever..

Kimono empire maxi dress- easy to slip on, cozy, elegant. And nursing friendly.

Slippers- something gorgeous. Mama doesn’t have to go around the house feeling frumpy, wearing holy pajama pants and fluffy bunny slippers.

Woven baby wrap- so mama can keep baby close, safe, and warm. And still have two hands free.

All purpose healing salve- sometimes you can e-mail the maker and ask for a bit of lanolin to be added for an extra layer of protection for sore nipples.

Other ideas-

On the go kit- a pretty make-up bag or clutch with travel sized essentials. Include tweezers, a pair of fold-able scissors, tyelnol, hand sanitizer, hand lotion, wet wipes, wet bag for soiled clothes, bandaids, antiseptic salve, washable breast pads, granola bar, coin purse for emergency change. (comes in handy when you suddenly realise that you haven’t had anything to eat or drink, and you have a vending machine near). Packed and ready to store in her diaper bag.

A fit mama makes for easier labor-

a yoga/exercise ball is a cheap investment that is not only great during pregnancy- to help keep back straight, ease hip and back pain, and build core muscles. But is also a great tool to use during labor- to keep moving and take pressure off hips. replace sitting on a desk chair with your yoga ball, especially during the last few months of pregnancy.

Prenatal yoga- instructors help mamas move their bodies in a way to benefit and ease the discomforts that come with being pregnant. Helping you learn to breathe properly, especially helpful for birth. You always have your breath.  Gorgeous yoga tote/diaper bag

Gift of photography- a gift certificate for a maternity session or newborn session. Some photographers will do a discount if you purchase both together. Many mamas forget to have pictures taken of their gorgeous pregnant curves. Some feel a little self conscious in their new body- but one day will look back, thankful that they had those precious moments captured.  Try to find a photographer who is independent (not a generic studio photographer), and will travel to your house for newborn sessions. Mama is less stressed being at home, baby feeds off of mama’s emotions… and, as a photographer- I find that there’s extra sentiment at shooting in the persons home- finding things in their house that mean so much to them that can be incorporated into the photos. It’s ideal for newborn photo shoots to take place within the two weeks, so please make sure to stay in contact with your photographer to keep a date open for you.

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for labouring and post-partum mama:

Relaxing scents/ massage oils

Post-partum recovery kit-  prepared or home-made kit,  include bottom spray or peri bottle, herbal sitz bath, ibuprofen (safe to take while breast feeding), witch hazel pads, dry shampoo, washable breast pads, really delicious chocolate ; )
for c-section recovery kit include a belly wrap, hot/cold compress, healing salve, dry shampoo, washable breast pads, delicious chocolate. and plenty of support.
for both- volunteering to drop meals off, run a load of laundry, vacuum/sweep floors. a basket of fruits that are easy on digestion- apples, pears, plums, peaches, dried apricots, bananas

Hot & cold compress- will come in good use for post-partum recovery as well.

Positive affirmations- birth & mama mantras

Rescue remedy

Mixed dried fruits and nuts- for energy during labor.

Something for mamas to consider: Birth photography

Exercise- help to get back into shape and feel better about yourself. Healthy, fit and happy mama. Jillian Michaels 30 day shred is getting rave reviews. A membership to a local fitness class, or knowledge that baby will have someone to take care of him/her for 30 minutes while mama goes for a brisk walk. I hear that carrying a baby burns more calories compared to pushing a baby in a stroller. So even if you don’t have someone to mind the baby when it’s a good time to go walking, put baby in a wrap/carrier and enjoy the fresh air.

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what's something that you found useful or lovely to have?  what would you normally give your pregnant friends?