bulbs pushing up from the rich mulch of autumn and winter
their brilliant colours, and promises of returning light and life
the abundance, and sacred hum of fertility.
sheep, heavy.. begin to lamb steamy, slippery black babies in the fields
there will be births and deaths, and it will all unfold, just so..

the skies are so deeply black at night, and knowing that just a few paces north- brilliant hues of green and purple dance across the night
mysterious and murky, and all the divine secrets of the universe colliding in one spilling of paint on the earths surface
sliding off into nothingness, as if it was never there at all… a hushed secret
it makes me ache, knowing that it’s right there, unreachable… like something in my bones and blood needs to witness the magnificence of northern lights

with all of these tangling roots.. stretching and sighing under foot
i’m brought back to planting my own roots down firmly
my feet to the earth, with a stretch and a heave and ho. cracks and pops in my young bones.
my fingers aching to dig into the rich soil and untangle some fine mess
to sow seeds and nourish our bodies in the summer sun

getting spun around dizzy, too caught up suddenly- in living in the future of ‘what ifs’
a gentle reminder
to simply be
and enjoy these gifts of today

all a tangle and twist of ‘why am i feeling this way?’
aching for signs of being ‘cured’ of PCOS, and emotional, knowing that my baby is quickly growing from her babyhood and well into a toddler.
the sudden dawning thought ‘what if i have to go through (in)fertility like before?’ i can’t bring myself back to that place.. it seems impossible to be there again when i have claire, when i don’t want to focus any energy and be in such a negative place hormonally and emotionally.

but of course, i wouldn’t be going back to ‘that place’. there is only the journey ahead, whatever that might bring. i’m not in the space to even think about that.. still.. the what if’s are calling..

the past few weeks have been so odd.. up and down, split. my stomach turning with the sky. rain and drizzle and the promise of the sun coming through.

tears spilled and breathing in the scent of my baby, as deeply as i can. holding her tighter, longer.. studying her face as she sleeps. all part of it.. this mothering thing. of letting go and making room, of letting babies grow up and explore further away. it’s bittersweet- i love watching her interact with people, so bold and brave and unquestionably loving everyone… and at the same time.. my baby. my baby. my baby.   my baby, stay my baby forever..

–

all this funk and hormonal shift. this moon and her intense pull..
trying to remember to nourish myself in ways that is good for my soul.
sepia melting on my tongue
hips swivel in circles in the hoop
bring myself back to my art..
nourish myself, lovingly.
a reminder to feel, whatever i feel.. without judging it. (sometimes that’s the hardest thing.. right? simply be.ing. without judgement)

how are you nourishing yourself these days?

‘thank you’ – dak ooh
‘please’ – deeeeeees
‘love you’ – laaa shuuu
dada – dada
mama – mama
baba (baby) – dada
baby- awww shhhhh *kiss kiss*
moo – dooo
dog – woof woof
cat- mmmeeeaaaww
peek-a-boo – ahdoo
hi – HIIII!!
night night- nini
shoe- shuuuu
*sneeze* – aah aah aaah
what does daddy do? – *lifts leg and farts with her mouth*
where’s your muscles? – *grrrrr*
1-2-3 – ‘ahn, doo, dee!’
‘milk’ – *chomp chomp*

the best ones, of course… are her own, long winded stories with arms flailing in the air..shoulders shrugging, and eyes waiting for your response.

we went for a long stroll to the park, the sun shining- but a biting cold in the air. you ran around, woofing at dogs as they passed, waving over the rock walls to the water and ducks paddling by. splashing in puddles before running ahead into the park- to push swings and spin things, and kiss anything that looks friendly…

you’re the sweetest, most gentle, loving little mama i’ve ever seen… approaching everything with an ‘awww’ arms outstretched to pat and rub, lips puckering up for a kiss, arms ready to hold and bounce and cuddle..

you’re so eager to play with other kids, older kids- big kids and small kids.. it doesn’t matter who- you greet them all with a big smile, a loud happy ‘hi!’ and start up conversations in your own little language, with your short arms flying around in the air for extra exaggeration to the story you’re telling..  sometimes you try to lean in close to these big kids, for a hug or a kiss- but we’ve yet to find someone that is equally loving back. you always leave them with blowing a kiss though, and my heart melts. i would love for you to have someone to play with that’s as loving and happy as you.. hopefully one day soon.

later, we walked over to the little grocery on the corner to pick up a few things for dinner… i was wondering what you were doing standing at the vegetables forever, leaning down and laughing.. oh! you spotted yourself in the mirrors..

the most adorable hat, lovingly handmade with upcycled materials- by rachel schell out of spokane, washington.
check out her etsy shop