today you are a week old. a week.. already. i know that they say time flies- and i knew it would… but really? i feel like i've just barely closed my eyes to catch up on some sleep… and there you are, in my arms, a week old. i'm writing your birth story, sometimes the details go a bit hazy- trying to remember what happened when, but your dad and i sit and talk about it- recounting the day that you came into our lives… right now our lives consist of breastfeeding, sleeping, eating, changing diapers, and repeat. and each day i grow more and more confident, and more and more capable of doing more than just sleeping and feeding you. a few minutes to catch up on e-mail or take a picture of you.

today was the first day that you went out of the house, i wrapped you up snug in a wrap and we went for a walk through the town.you slept the entire time with your face against my chest…

we sit around holding you, loving on you, singing and talking to you until you smile for us…

i want to be able to remember all of these days, to write them all down. to write down all that i am thinking and feeling- and then as i sit down to, i start to yawn.. thinking maybe i should go catch up on some sleep since you're here sleeping on my shoulder… wondering if i should sleep, knowing i'll have to wake up in a little bit later for the next feed… survival mode at the moment.

so, this isn't eloquent and lovely.. but words and feelings are swirling around- and i will try to get them out for you, so you know our story.

we're so very much in love with you. and already i can't imagine what it was like without you here…

i'm trying. so very trying. it seems to be a roller coaster. changing by the hour. at one moment i'm feeling fine, hopeful, and sometimes very just… 'over it' and couldn't really care.
and then.. that flips. and i'm desperate. restless.. upset. done.

and i don't want to spend the last days of this pregnancy feeling bitchy and desperate.

i don't want to talk or think about it any more… but what else is there to think about? finding something to distract myself only lasts so long before i'm sitting here, dwelling.

dates have come and gone. due dates. prediction dates. the only date left is the final date- the induction one. where i'll be officially 15 days 'over' due. a date set with the midwife for early wednesday morning.

i go to bed each night thinking 'okay.. maybe i'll wake up in the middle of the night with a contraction' only to wake up in the morning without even the slightest cramp. still pregnant.. still. so very pregnant.

i know that it's only a few days, that i will have her in my arms and all of this will feel so very ridiculous. but that's just it- i will have her in my arms.
and right now i don't.
right now i'm trying to find as much patience as i can.

–

i don't want to be induced..
i had hoped to labour at home for as long as possible before making the journey to the hospital.. to be able to move about my own home as i need… to take a shower in my shower. sit on my toilet. curl up in my bed with my husband… to be able to move freely, eat what i want, wear whatever clothes- or no clothes- however i feel most comfortable.

but the induction date approaches. drugs that force your body into opening without it's consent. one thing that could lead to another and another- that i don't want to think about. i hoped to sink into this birthing process, to let it wash through me and over me- not a sudden onset with pills or i.v. coursing through my body.

i don't want to spend the last days of this very amazing pregnancy- upset and crying. wishing for it to end- so that way it doesn't have to end on someone else's terms…

everyday i'm still hoping that i have time, that my our bodies will start to work together so i can bypass the early morning appointment at the hospital. but every hour that passes by without  a hint- or worse.. when it passes by with a tease of things happening… bringing me closer and closer to feeling like i should just resign to another idea of how this might go..

walking sterile, foreign hallways- with other moaning women. sharing a room with someone else, an uncomfortable bed- a public toilet, a space that isn't my own, isn't comfort. isn't home. where you're conscious of what noise you make, what body parts are covered, who shares the room with you.. aware of visiting hours- and when your spouse has to leave… denied food because it's not serving hours. limited movement/space. confined.

i know that in the grand scheme of things- how i give birth, and where i give birth doesn't matter. that all of that will really not matter when i have her safely in my arms. that we are both healthy and well- time together, my little family. i know that once she's here- the rest doesn't matter… if i gave birth naturally or with pain meds. if i gave birth through my body, or surgery. i know that once she's in my arms- those things won't matter so much..

i know that birth is something that i can't control. it's also something that i don't want controlled. i don't want it dictated, on someone's terms… i don't want it numbed.  i want to lose myself in it's uncontrollable power.. i want to experience this all. i want to trust my body to do what it will- as it wants…  birth is messy and raw- and that's how i hope to still have it… not tidy and pencilled in to a book.

…i know that this is just one of the beginning lessons of motherhood… letting go. finding patience when it's the most difficult. crumbling and rebuilding. opening myself to be honest about my thoughts and fears.  having absolutely no control- and needing to learn to be okay with that..

sigh.

trusting. trusting. trusting…

and then she made her way beneath my heart. zapping all of my creative energy. i like to think that my muse was spending all of her energy swirling and manifesting with this babe…

this last month has suddenly been a surge of creative energy and excitement for me- my mind full of ideas for my shop. creating a 'fan page' profile to better connect with previous and future clients… re-opening my shop and offering originals, new and old. clearing out my drawers of paintings that aren't being loved while hidden away. ahhh it felt SO good.

and then i had to go and close the shop as my due date approaches. not wanting to add any extra stress on making sure that i reply back to sales or e-mails. sigh… just right when i was feeling on such a role with where i was going.

all of these ideas for when i return. i'm excited about what the future holds, and wondering equally how much i can achieve with soaking up this new babe… how much my energy will shift. if i'll still have as much enthusiasm or… just how long that will take to recycle through.

i really really wanted to wait to introduce some new paintings for my return, but i couldn't help but share a sneak preview of what is to come…

Butterfly Mama and Caterpillar Babe. from e.darcy on Vimeo.

i lalalooove watching other artists create. seeing their process from start to finish. and now that i've done this once, i'm addicted. i want to make so many more.

so excited for what the future holds.

this new babe in my arms, my head swirling with ideas for products and things to offer in le shop… connecting with new people around the world.

this feels good… and right.. and amazing.

thick red rivers of blood streaming from between my thighs. i could almost feel the coolness of it-as i woke up in a panic. checking between my legs, checking the sheets to make sure that it wasn't really happening. getting up and going to the toilet to make sure that nothing was going on.

the dream disturbed me in a way so completely different from any other 'anxiety' dream of pregnancy/birth/motherhood. it wasn't like the dreams of forgetting my baby, not knowing where i left her, someone taking her, not knowing how to feed her, giving birth to a fake baby. all of those typical stupid dreams that every pregnant woman has- that just tinges with anxiety.

this dream was entirely something else. so powerful and crude, scary and exhausting. it completely shook me. and i spent the day crying, under a dark cloud… hands to my belly for every movement. and even as she'd move- it wouldn't bring me the comfort that i needed.

after a while of thinking about it, trying to figure out why i felt so shitty.. so down. so unsure. so unwell. e-mailing some of my beautiful tribe, and just letting it out. bawling… i crawled into bed with my husband, who just cuddled me. breathed with me. and helped me to fall asleep for a nap that my body so needed.

and still i dreamt of the blood.

at first, confused, hurt.. upset. my mind immediately went to the fears and doubts of:

when will the badness come?
this pregnancy has been so beautiful and easy and wonderful. the struggle to get pregnant meant that the beginning of this journey i was prepared for the worst. i was prepared, and each month proven wrong. each month- my body blossomed in such beautiful ways. helping me to find the confidence that i so needed. that i so deserved.  helping me to love this entire process and to trust. to have the faith… to believe in myself, and believe in birth. in life.

and then with these dreams, i was reminded- i have had it easy with this pregnancy… and we're almost to an end… does that mean that something bad is bound to happen…. what is it going to be. how bad is it going to be… it's almost inevitable.

the sudden fears of you-know-what.

and i didn't want to think that way. i don't deserve to think that way…

***

one of my tribe answered back; that blood is a force. of life and death.

after churning it around more. finding what all of this unsettled feeling means to me. what this blood means to me.

i finally feel like i've come to it. like i understand it… and now, can honour it.

this is an end. and a beginning.
like the blood- a force of life and death.

this pregnancy is coming to an end,
which is both life and death… both figuratively and literally.
i'll stand on the threshold of both when i give birth.
giving myself over to both sides of life.
it will be the end, and the beginning…

the space inside my body that has grown and cocooned this life will be left empty.
and my empty arms will then be made full…
a transition from one world to another

the blood and the dream all make sense now,
i can't control any of it…
it will all flow out from between my legs
and will be equally life and death.
celebration and mourning.

and that makes sense to me,
this uneasy feeling i have- how unsure i feel. this process of letting go.
excited to experience all of this,
because i have confidence in my body. i have confidence in birth.
excited to meet her… for our story to unfold. to begin
but realising that i have also to let go of what is now,
to come face to face with the reality of what that means.
i will no longer carry her inside my body…
i will no longer harvest a life inside.

the full circle of coming to an end, and also a beginning.
the moon's waxing and waning.
a full string of mixed emotions…
being amazed and overwhelmed
upset and joyous
mourning and celebrating.

–

and now, i feel.. like i can begin.
washing away this process. letting go this emotional plug
i feel like i kind of just have to deal with it- and sit with it. and cry all day with it. to work through and figure out what it really means to me- what emotional block i'm holding onto.
to begin letting go of it,
and allowing her to sink down lower between my hips
so we can begin this dance together
where we both come to the most primal of our beings…

i know in every fiber of my being that this birth will be beautiful and powerful and change me completely…
i feel strong. and confident and… like nothing will stop me.

and on the other side, we will emerge.
two completely new people.
both with stories of the past…
and begin building our story together of the present.

full circle.

• nearly two weeks ago, i had an amazing opportunity- to meet up with a previous art client of mine who i had only corresponded with online. but she isn't  just any client, she's this amazing photographer from Lyon. i followed her pictures on flickr long before she knew anything about me. falling in love with her ability to capture pure fairytale magic… anyway, the last minute chance meet up came about because she was to be in Dublin for a photoshoot, she (caroline) sent me an email asking if i wanted to meet up- and that she'd love to take my maternity pictures (huuuuuh!) i.kind of freaked out for a second. my heart was pounding. i wanted to say YES YES YES! but then i was also going 'ohmygodwhatdoido? she's amazing.. i'm shy. i'll be an idiot. how do i talk to her? i…what..i don't know what to do..' i even e-mailed those same sentiments to one of our mutual friends. and then. i somehow found myself e-mailing her back saying 'yes.'   do you want to see one of the preview pictures that i've seen so far?

i know right? i can't get over it…

i'm pretty much the most shy, awkward, idiot. but then she stepped off the bus- and was beautiful and amazing, and i fell in love with her.  so, we walked about my little town for a bit- sat on my couch for a bit. and then went out for pictures. by the time we got to the lake the most amazing rainbow appeared in the sky- it just kept getting bigger and brighter… the storm clouds behind us, over my town. so dark and ominous… the clouds in front of us parted and light shone through… and. there is no other word but magic.

i climbed on rocks in the middle of the lake- the wind swept my skirt and hair. rain started pouring down.

i'm so horrible about being in front of the lens with someone else behind it. so awkward. but… she made me feel so alive, and beautiful, and the moment was magical- so how could i not?

i'm dying to see the rest..

• speaking of feeling beautiful- i was asked to write up a little something for a website, sharing my truth. mine isn't available yet- but i feel so honored to have been asked to share among a group of women that i so admire. i'll talk about it again when my bit is up, but check out the website. it's so uplifting, positive, and yummy.

• i've been sketching. all day long. and it feels so wonderful. and then i added a bit of paint. and mmm. that felt wonderful too! sigh. it feels so good to be creating again. i'm currently trying to sell my originals- which is new territory for me. but so needs to be done. there's no point in me keeping them- they just sit on a bookshelf, all stacked up. much better to let them out into the daylight and share with the world, and find someone who falls in love.  here's two of my most recent favourites that i painted

sometimes i get messages from buyers who tell me what the painting they are buying means to them… a story that seems to fall perfectly in place with their chosen art piece. they share where in their house it will hang, and how it's an added collection to their home. i think that is my most favourite part about creating and being able to sell my work… it's incredible to wrap my mind around the idea that something i have created might hang in someone's house- a little girl's bedroom… and become part of the imprint in her childhood memories.

there's still one piece of art that i remember so vividly from when i was a kid- that was in our house. i can describe it, but i can't for the life of me find out who did it- or where to find it. so, i imagine it being something like that for these other kids. and that feels SO… just. wow.

a friend of mine has one of my paintings of women hanging in her bathroom- and says that her little boy is scared of them. aaah nooo! she thinks it's hilarious.. that sounds pretty much like something my mom would continue with.  oy vey. i'm sorry sweet boy- i promise i never would have made them with eyes that follow you- because i'm scared of that myself!  so great. some people might have sweet memories attached to my art. and others will blame me for their nightmares. i guess you really can't win them all. hee

• a day shy from 37 weeks… i can't wait to meet this little one. trying to savour these last moments of pregnancy- before our lives change forever. to soak up being able to cradle her so safely in my body… but struggling with the feelings of anxious excitement. excited for our birth story to unfold. excited to hold her.. smell her. touch her. fall in love with her… excited to just- get on with it. transition into parenthood..

i was leaning forward to take this- so you could see my feet.. so silly to suddenly notice that when you look straight down- you really can no longer see your feet. but i still managed to give myself a pedicure!

okay. i'm pretty sure i had other things to talk about- but my mind is mush.

if you aren't already an erin darcy design fan on facebook- go over now and join. i'm holding a giveaway when i reach 100 fans. (every fan will be entered to win)

oh, and there are two other brand new paintings on my etsy as well!

self promotion enough? hahaa sorry… mama's gotta make some money for her bebe!

xo

for mama:

Clutch organizer- fill it with a journal or address book, some stationary, pen, and a little book of stamps. Help mama stay organized and keep all of her thank you notes, baby announcements, and grocery lists all in one place.  Make up a card to place inside that has the phone numbers for her midwife, labor department, GP, and local lactation consultant

Nursing necklace- so baby has something to play with and keep them focused. Plus, it’s pretty..and jewellery that isn’t fragile and won’t risk breaking. Might keep sticky little fingers from tugging on your hair when nursing.

Ceramic eco travel mug- remind mama to stay hydrated. A gorgeous way to enjoy a morning cup of tea. Gift it with some raspberry leaf, and mothers milk tea. OR Hot cold travel mug- so mama will always have her water with her. Looking after everyone but herself, mamas get dehydrated- and fast. A good milk supply is established with mama looking after herself and keeping herself well hydrated.

Cucumber depuffer eye serum- help mama feel like she has some control over her sleepless night, puffy tired eyes.

Pretty journal- to keep track of anything her mama brain might need reminding of. Whether that’s the last feeding time, what needs to be picked up at the grocery, and all those little thoughts that come to mind about baby that you want to remember forever..

Kimono empire maxi dress- easy to slip on, cozy, elegant. And nursing friendly.

Slippers- something gorgeous. Mama doesn’t have to go around the house feeling frumpy, wearing holy pajama pants and fluffy bunny slippers.

Woven baby wrap- so mama can keep baby close, safe, and warm. And still have two hands free.

All purpose healing salve- sometimes you can e-mail the maker and ask for a bit of lanolin to be added for an extra layer of protection for sore nipples.

Other ideas-

On the go kit- a pretty make-up bag or clutch with travel sized essentials. Include tweezers, a pair of fold-able scissors, tyelnol, hand sanitizer, hand lotion, wet wipes, wet bag for soiled clothes, bandaids, antiseptic salve, washable breast pads, granola bar, coin purse for emergency change. (comes in handy when you suddenly realise that you haven’t had anything to eat or drink, and you have a vending machine near). Packed and ready to store in her diaper bag.

A fit mama makes for easier labor-

a yoga/exercise ball is a cheap investment that is not only great during pregnancy- to help keep back straight, ease hip and back pain, and build core muscles. But is also a great tool to use during labor- to keep moving and take pressure off hips. replace sitting on a desk chair with your yoga ball, especially during the last few months of pregnancy.

Prenatal yoga- instructors help mamas move their bodies in a way to benefit and ease the discomforts that come with being pregnant. Helping you learn to breathe properly, especially helpful for birth. You always have your breath.  Gorgeous yoga tote/diaper bag

Gift of photography- a gift certificate for a maternity session or newborn session. Some photographers will do a discount if you purchase both together. Many mamas forget to have pictures taken of their gorgeous pregnant curves. Some feel a little self conscious in their new body- but one day will look back, thankful that they had those precious moments captured.  Try to find a photographer who is independent (not a generic studio photographer), and will travel to your house for newborn sessions. Mama is less stressed being at home, baby feeds off of mama’s emotions… and, as a photographer- I find that there’s extra sentiment at shooting in the persons home- finding things in their house that mean so much to them that can be incorporated into the photos. It’s ideal for newborn photo shoots to take place within the two weeks, so please make sure to stay in contact with your photographer to keep a date open for you.

—

for labouring and post-partum mama:

Relaxing scents/ massage oils

Post-partum recovery kit-  prepared or home-made kit,  include bottom spray or peri bottle, herbal sitz bath, ibuprofen (safe to take while breast feeding), witch hazel pads, dry shampoo, washable breast pads, really delicious chocolate ; )
for c-section recovery kit include a belly wrap, hot/cold compress, healing salve, dry shampoo, washable breast pads, delicious chocolate. and plenty of support.
for both- volunteering to drop meals off, run a load of laundry, vacuum/sweep floors. a basket of fruits that are easy on digestion- apples, pears, plums, peaches, dried apricots, bananas

Hot & cold compress- will come in good use for post-partum recovery as well.

Positive affirmations- birth & mama mantras

Rescue remedy

Mixed dried fruits and nuts- for energy during labor.

Something for mamas to consider: Birth photography

Exercise- help to get back into shape and feel better about yourself. Healthy, fit and happy mama. Jillian Michaels 30 day shred is getting rave reviews. A membership to a local fitness class, or knowledge that baby will have someone to take care of him/her for 30 minutes while mama goes for a brisk walk. I hear that carrying a baby burns more calories compared to pushing a baby in a stroller. So even if you don’t have someone to mind the baby when it’s a good time to go walking, put baby in a wrap/carrier and enjoy the fresh air.

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what's something that you found useful or lovely to have?  what would you normally give your pregnant friends?

New baby gift ideas:

Amber teething necklace

Baltic amber necklaces are to be worn against the skin, where the amber heats against the wearers body heat- allowing the oils and natural healing properties of amber to be absorbed into the skin. It is not intended for chewing, and should only be worn while teething child is under supervision- and removed while sleeping. These necklaces are easy to break off quickly should the need be, and every amber piece includes a knot so beads wont scatter.  one of my friends sent me one and says that it makes all the difference for her little one : )

Baby bottom salve

Custom boppy cover

yes please! Boppy is a support pillow for helping with nursing, bottle feeding, lounging, giving baby support in sitting up, and easing into tummy time.

Peace t-shirt

Minky love

Adorable hat

wood teether

something handmade, booties, hat, sweater, blanket… that will be kept in the family.

Baby bath wash

something natural and gentle for baby's delicate skin. try to stay away from anything with added fragrance.

Medicine Kit- gripe water, teething gel/tablets, nasal aspirator, nail scissors, rectal digital thermometer, teether, infant Tylenol, infant Motrin, baby sunscreen, calamine lotion, Vaseline, antibacterial cream,  tweezers, oral syringe, baby& children’s first-aid/CPR manual.

—

What every mama should know, and be reminded of-

You’re beautiful.

You are not alone.

You are the perfect mother for your baby.

Your health and well being is just as important as baby’s. If you aren’t coping well in yourself, how are you expected to take care of a baby? Guilt and responsibility make mama’s feel like they should put baby first- and sacrifice her own well being… which can lead to an often avoidable, yet treatable postpartum depression.  Baby needs mama to take care of herself too.

Follow your instincts. If you’re unsure about what you are doing is right- seek wisdom from gentle, supportive people. But remember that what worked for them might not work for you. Follow your gut- you are almost always right. You and baby were made for each other. Believe it.  you’re an animal underneath all of that- your mama animal instincts kick in and know what to do.

i felt her go into labour…
i had visions of his birth.
dreams of what he would look like- and that he, would be he.

he was born in water, in the early hours of the morning, before the noon heat. (as i envisioned)
right into his dads hands…
with his sisters as witness.
surrounded by a tribe of women.

–
one of the first pictures she sent to me of his birth, the first word that came to mind was 'lotus'
i had no idea why.
so i searched online for lotus to see what it could mean… and of course:

'Often used as an example of divine beauty, Vishnu is often described as the 'Lotus-Eyed One'. Its unfolding petals suggest the expansion of the soul. The growth of its pure beauty from the mud of its origin holds a benign spiritual promise.'

the lotus represents purity of the body, speech, and mind.

she was a lotus, in the water. unfolding. expanding her soul.

and he, purity brought through her earthy vessel. his origin.

purity of body… flesh that had never been exposed to air. purity of speech…his first ever cry. purity of mind…a new beginning beneath those ethereal eyes.

i shared that bit with her- that the first word that came to mind was, for some reason 'lotus'

…and then she shares with me that she was thisclose to giving him the middle name Lotus….

can't even explain the tingles and craziness… of all of these visions, dreams, unexplainable connections between she and i… who have never met flesh to flesh.

my silvery stretch marks continue branching upwards, light pink new growth flowing from these old scars.

thirty three weeks. my babe, thirty three…

my hips are loosening, expanding for their upcoming job. my body becoming a gateway from one world into the next.

we prepare for your arrival, sweet one…. by dreaming about you. i'm certain that there really is no way to prepare for you, because once you are here- the world will be different, and my heart will have been changed forever… you will show me what you need. most of all, i believe that you'll simply need me to trust myself.

this pregnancy has been an entire lesson on finding trust in myself and in my body. i'm so grateful for that, because i feel like it gives me confidence and trust in myself and my body for birth and mamahood.

i've been reading a few of ina may's books for childbirth, i immersed myself and found a passion in birth well before you found your way to my womb… a pull in my heart towards birth- like it was something that i helped women with in a past life… like it may be a path in my future.

but for your birth, for our birth… i've decided to stop reading. i want to know enough to make educated decisions, to have the confidence and know what is going on to say 'is there an alternative we can try first…' or simply 'can i have a little bit more time'.  i want to know enough, because it's something i love… but be naive enough to simply flow. to not over analyse what is going on. to let go of mind and sink into body. to trust my body, and to also trust the women who will be taking care of me.

i find there's so many judgements in the mamaworld. whether you give birth at home or hospital, natural or epidural, bottle or breast, sling or stroller… co sleep or nursery down the hall, home made food or jarred. blah blah blah- it's never ending. i get so tired of it. women who have forgotten that we're all in this together. we're all going through our own trials and tribulations. we're all learning what's best for us, and for our babies.  and ultimately- as long as mama and baby are both happy and healthy, isn't that the main thing?

i get so disheartened when i see and hear about women quickly judging another mama for a choice she made in raising her baby. the judgements quickly turn into harsh words about how fit she is to be a mother. two hardcore sides, yelling what is right… when at the bottom of it, there's one thing that bonds us all- we all love our children. we all want what is best for them, and we make educated decisions that will suit us, our baby, and our family best. we sometimes seek advice, but ultimately- we have to trust ourselves and our decisions. we make mistakes, but that doesn't mean we don't love our baby any less. we learn. we grow.  and it's necessary…

so it's always refreshing to find other mamas who just… get it. who are compassionate and understanding. who make no judgements. who believe in honouring and trusting ourselves and each other.

–

i found my birth and mama mantra… wisdom from one goddess mama to her baby girl. but as i read it- i feel like she's talking to me too…

'My darling Ostara Light, one day you too might give birth to your own son or daughter.
I want you to know that by hook or by crook, however your child comes in to this world is the way they needed to be born.
You may have a water birth, an induction, a caesarean, an orgasmic birth, an assisted delivery, an active birth, a vaginal birth, an episiotomy, an epidural, an ecstatic birth.
And they are all equal dearest, because they are all still the act of birth.
Your babe’s birth will be an initiation, and you will emerge the warrior mama goddess they need.
You will find strength, courage, grace and faith deep inside you, hidden in mountains and trees.
You can do it, my dearest daughter.
I believe in you, and know you are supported and surrounded by thousands of angels.'
-goddess leonie

and so i sit, and envision how i will breathe… how i will move my hips. how i will hum and moan. how i will look in your dads eyes- and beg him to help me… i envision how i'll need to call out and deep down inside for the strength and energy. i'm sure that i will lose myself from time to time, needing reassurance that i can, and i will do this. because at the end of all of that hard work, my babe.. i will finally meet you.

this is how i prepare for you. i give myself over to you. trusting my body, and letting go of ideas. honouring that you will come when you are ready, and how you are meant to arrive. i let go of control- because nothing controls the forces of nature, so why would i expect to be able to control the most pivotal moments of mother earth; birth.

i adore the ways you have changed me already… carving me into the mama you need.

my way of dealing with broken technology. slow computers. blah blah wank. is generally by cussing. trying to stop myself from throwing said offender. and rubbing my nose furiously (because for some reason.. i take it out on my nose…don't ask. i don't get it. steven finds it utterly amusing… i want to punch him in the face occasionally. especially when he's trying to be all cute and snuggly and i'm an angry raptor.)

and THIS garglebargenkerfufflegaaaaaaaaaaah has been going on for quite a while now.

e-mails from friends saying 'i can't comment on your website' i frowned with them. and decided that it was something on their end- because my go-to tech guru husband would know how to fix this problem. because that's what he does. he fixes and amazes and tricks and bandages wounds to my technology impaired issues. some friends said 'oh i found a way around it! i can has comment now!' yaaaay! so it was them.. but really.. it wasn't.

and guess what? i can't even comment on my own fecking website. how crazy batshit is that?! guuuurrrgggglle.
(so yeah lisa. i know right?! those boots… i only settled for thinking of my CHILD because then i wouldn't feel guilty. only. pfft. i want them. they're too expensive for a baby who is just going to grow out of them and never appreciate them. socks for her. boots for me. too bad my feet aren't 4 inches long…)

blah. i don't really know what i'm supposed to do to fix said problem. i want to dump this entire website and start again. plus i'm really rather sick of the way it looks. but. that would take time. and energy. and arguments between me and tech guru of 'no i like it like this- don't  you dare try to impress me by changing something because you want to show off with your skillz'   i leave for a few hours. and viola! tech-guru has indeed impressed me with his magic unicorn skills, even though he changed the very things i said i liked… i now like them better. and now i want them even doubly better. but his unicorn skills only go so far.

what am i getting at?

i'm sorry that my website is fucking frustrating. and broken. and doesn't work. and is also ugly. the end.

i might see if i can make him fix it.

he'll probably tell me that he doesn't know how. that way he doesn't have to do anything… i'll show him. i won't make him any dinner.

he'll say that's fine, and eat a sandwich instead.

i'll cry. he'll shrug, because he's used to that.

he might research the problem and then say 'there hasn't been anything to fix it yet'

i think he's lying. because obviously there is. because obviously there is a hole in my website where a rat has chewed itself through and is now pooping all over my stuff. there has got to be a rat trap.

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i think my blood sugar is low. i should eat something. this is getting ridiculous.