Starving Artist Ink.

. for catching a friend on the other side of the world- right before slumber reaches her… sharing a few little bits of love and silly.

. for being greeted this morning by a brilliant blue sky. she has been missed- tucked away for months under a blanket of grey… i wasn’t eager to see her this morning, a little rollie pollie clinging to me all night. it was time. get out of bed. there’s no point in trying to sleep for just a bit longer.

. two cups of tea before 8am…

. mini garden in my windowsill.. but how i wish i could walk through it. sinking my toes into the dark soil… dreaming up how my garden will grow when we have a backyard.. a place for frogs to visit, dandelions to grow wild and go to seed wishes.  for a clothes line to make home for tiny spider webs, rusting clothes pegs, and towels to blow in the breeze…
— for now. they sit prettily in my windowsill. my barefeet hit concrete before earth… the frogs and dandelions are a short walk away. big spiders spin intricate webs at my windows, becoming screens to keep mayflies out… and my towels are tumbled before drying on a clothes horse in the living room…
in time.

. the little paper bunting i made for steven’s birthday.. it makes me smile. so festive and lovely, especially when accompanied by the greenery. just makes everything feel cheerful.

. a bite of birthday cake for breakfast. who can resist?

. a hula hoop in the post… oooh yeah! i’ve been practicing the movements, in hopes that when that hoop is around my waist i’ll magically be amazing. doubtful. but a girl can dream

. every single little thing about this wee girl… oh my. really. oh. i wish i could share her with you. i never could have dreamed up someone so wonderful

. for this wonderful little portal that transports me in an instant into a friends living room… where we share laughter and tears.. tell secrets and jokes.. watch each others kids grow from sleeping newborns to walking toddlers… this little portal- from the comfort of my home, where we get to know each other more intimately- finding soul sisters across the map that we might have missed out on in this lifetime… making arrangements to meet in the flesh. an exchange of energy and love. lifting each other up. absolute witchcraft, no? i love it so..

. my man.. my beautiful man. watching him with our girl makes me tear up…  the way they communicate together- how she sinks into him… her wild eyes and laughter at the ready… her soft ‘da da da da’ when she presses her face against his. how she looks for him, waits for him, in love with him… how i’ve watched this man, sitting in that chair after i pushed her into this world- holding her newness in his arms… his tired, happy eyes… how in an instant he became the sweetest papa. for the first eight months of her life- sleeping in his arms or lap… under the watchful eye. being soothed back into slumber by his touch. letting mama get as much sleep as possible. he is a mighty treasure.

as i feel this girl roll across my belly… all the years start to pass me by.

first moments and milestones… birthdays and memories.

and all of a sudden, i’m not having a baby any more- because my mind has drifted, fast-forwarding to raising a young woman. i see it all in my head in a silent motion picture…

and it’s here where i learn to be present.

where i feel the rotating earth, how time slips through your fingers like sand…

how this babe inside, who i have yet to see…touch…smell- has already grown before me.

but then i breathe, and realise that every day has an opportunity to be wonderful. every day is something new, unique, and cherished. and i will practice being present now- so i can savour every day that i have, in witnessing this girl who is to be ours.

a daily practice, to not live in the future… dreaming or wondering or thinking about ‘what if’. because all we have is now, all that matters is now… and life is happening before our eyes.

remember when i was doing that ‘grateful daily’ thing? (it was inspired by this yummy goddess)

well… as you are aware- i am not so good with following through with projects.. that’s not the point though.

the act of taking the time each day, or every other day- to remember what i am grateful for really brings everything into perspective.

suddenly shitty little things don’t matter any more. your entire day can be shifted from bad to wonderful…

my sweet friend, deb is the queen of bringing it back to the earth, to the heart and soul… she is light.  you won’t catch her complaining about anything- without finishing it off with ‘but i am so grateful for this.’

she inspires me to remember to do this. she makes me want to be better.

it’s not like she’s overly cheerful happy happy sunshine… she’s real, and genuine. has dealt with things that a lot of people don’t have to deal with, and things that many others do-she just chooses to deal with them differently. to see the greater picture- or to remind herself when things start to get hectic and crazy of what she has- and it grounds her, and makes her appreciate everything even more.

and with that- she is light, her soul is intoxicating. she is so yummy.

she honours the light inside you, believes in you, coaches you.

she makes the chaos calm down, and put you back in your place gently. and i love it… and i want to learn from it.

i am learning from it.

i have so much to be thankful for, and i think it is in good practice to find a time, a moment, a thought- each day to bring things back to us. to now. to remember what we are grateful for. to find a blessing in everything.

rather than waiting all year (for those who celebrate thanksgiving) to have an excuse to remember.

—

although, i’m having a hard time finding the blessing in these pimples that just popped up on my cheek. deb?

i felt like i was drifting, sinking…

but my libra scales just needed balance.

(excerpt from my diary)

it’s amazing what being out of sync with your love, your partner, your other half.. can do.
how not making sure to connect
can shift things,
cause you to drift-unknowingly
into the far deep-
and you don’t realise that you can’t see the shore…
darkness falls-and you wait for the light to rescue you-only,
light doesn’t come…
it doesn’t know that it’s lost as well.

and then the tides come in
crash against the rocks
fresh salty water…
reunited again.
the sun shines in the day, and the moon keeps watch over the night
and the stars navigate a path home…

a reminder.

i am better today.
i am grateful today.
i can breathe today.

—-

i realise that this may all sound so silly.. it is what it is.

i need a rock. a constant. i need physical contact like i need air or water. i need balance and to be in tune.

i need to feed my soul, and ours.

what throws you out of balance?