Category Archives: journey


emerging on the journey

last night i had dreams of blood.

thick red rivers of blood streaming from between my thighs. i could almost feel the coolness of it-as i woke up in a panic. checking between my legs, checking the sheets to make sure that it wasn't really happening. getting up and going to the toilet to make sure that nothing was going on.

the dream disturbed me in a way so completely different from any other 'anxiety' dream of pregnancy/birth/motherhood. it wasn't like the dreams of forgetting my baby, not knowing where i left her, someone taking her, not knowing how to feed her, giving birth to a fake baby. all of those typical stupid dreams that every pregnant woman has- that just tinges with anxiety.

this dream was entirely something else. so powerful and crude, scary and exhausting. it completely shook me. and i spent the day crying, under a dark cloud… hands to my belly for every movement. and even as she'd move- it wouldn't bring me the comfort that i needed.

after a while of thinking about it, trying to figure out why i felt so shitty.. so down. so unsure. so unwell. e-mailing some of my beautiful tribe, and just letting it out. bawling… i crawled into bed with my husband, who just cuddled me. breathed with me. and helped me to fall asleep for a nap that my body so needed.

and still i dreamt of the blood.

at first, confused, hurt.. upset. my mind immediately went to the fears and doubts of:

when will the badness come?
this pregnancy has been so beautiful and easy and wonderful. the struggle to get pregnant meant that the beginning of this journey i was prepared for the worst. i was prepared, and each month proven wrong. each month- my body blossomed in such beautiful ways. helping me to find the confidence that i so needed. that i so deserved.  helping me to love this entire process and to trust. to have the faith… to believe in myself, and believe in birth. in life.

and then with these dreams, i was reminded- i have had it easy with this pregnancy… and we're almost to an end… does that mean that something bad is bound to happen…. what is it going to be. how bad is it going to be… it's almost inevitable.

the sudden fears of you-know-what.

and i didn't want to think that way. i don't deserve to think that way…

***

one of my tribe answered back; that blood is a force. of life and death.

after churning it around more. finding what all of this unsettled feeling means to me. what this blood means to me.

i finally feel like i've come to it. like i understand it… and now, can honour it.

this is an end. and a beginning.
like the blood- a force of life and death.

this pregnancy is coming to an end,
which is both life and death… both figuratively and literally.
i'll stand on the threshold of both when i give birth.
giving myself over to both sides of life.
it will be the end, and the beginning…

the space inside my body that has grown and cocooned this life will be left empty.
and my empty arms will then be made full…
a transition from one world to another

the blood and the dream all make sense now,
i can't control any of it…
it will all flow out from between my legs
and will be equally life and death.
celebration and mourning.

and that makes sense to me,
this uneasy feeling i have- how unsure i feel. this process of letting go.
excited to experience all of this,
because i have confidence in my body. i have confidence in birth.
excited to meet her… for our story to unfold. to begin
but realising that i have also to let go of what is now,
to come face to face with the reality of what that means.
i will no longer carry her inside my body…
i will no longer harvest a life inside.

the full circle of coming to an end, and also a beginning.
the moon's waxing and waning.
a full string of mixed emotions…
being amazed and overwhelmed
upset and joyous
mourning and celebrating.

–

and now, i feel.. like i can begin.
washing away this process. letting go this emotional plug
i feel like i kind of just have to deal with it- and sit with it. and cry all day with it. to work through and figure out what it really means to me- what emotional block i'm holding onto.
to begin letting go of it,
and allowing her to sink down lower between my hips
so we can begin this dance together
where we both come to the most primal of our beings…

i know in every fiber of my being that this birth will be beautiful and powerful and change me completely…
i feel strong. and confident and… like nothing will stop me.

and on the other side, we will emerge.
two completely new people.
both with stories of the past…
and begin building our story together of the present.

full circle.

By edarcy | Also posted in pregnancy, {daily} | Comments (6)

a healing circle

going through a long process to get pregnant- (in)fertility breaks you. strips away any confidence. makes you lose faith in your body, bones, blood. makes you doubt and question yourself… changes the image in the mirror to someone of disgust. that woman. no longer a friend, no longer recognizable. someone who we don't recognize, and we don't want to know… all we know is that she is sad, her body is dried up, and we want her gone. she doesn't belong to us- not with this rich heart and love that we have to offer… not with this ache we have in our body for our baby… that woman in the mirror doesn't belong.

and then we had a positive test… the very first thing we breathed was '…we work.' so thankful. so.. just.. sigh of relief. joy. we work.

from then on this confidence grows. i felt, at first, that because of our journey to this babe that pregnancy would not sit well with my body… that we'd have bigger challenges to face through this. when the opposite seems to be true. my body blossoms and grows, and with every new change i'm in awe.. in love.. that woman in the mirror- i remember her with compassion and understanding… but her negative words, her voice. her doubts.. they're gone. i feel fruitful. fertile. prolific.

my womb harvests an ocean.
salty sacred solution… the beginning.
swimming, a force.
a blue aura being glowing, suspended. light. slippery, life.

my own salty tears stain my cheeks
in happiness, unbelievable joy.
once lost and afraid in my body, in a silent womb… and now completely in awe. a confidence grows that i never knew i could own…

my body is life.
my womb is life.
i am a vessel.
a muse manifests herself deep with my seed.

–

i go back through pictures i had taken during the journey. words i wrote along with them as my therapy. i’m so grateful that i documented that… that i took pictures of my naked body that i felt failed in. i’m grateful that i have those raw words.

i knew in my heart, even then through all of that, that one day i would be able to look back at that girl and that I would wish she’d be more gentle with herself… more kind and loving to herself.

and here i stand with those thoughts. my arms wide open for her, ready to wrap her up and embrace her… show her how beautiful her body is-that she is not a prisoner… that she is not anything less. i know that at the time the comfort would only last for a little while- because looking in the mirror with a magnifying glass and ugly words seems to block out everything else..

i’m most grateful that i have it all documented. my therapy. my body. it was the only way for me to get through our fertility journey… i feel stronger, more beautiful, more confident, more aware, more grateful than i think i ever could be without it…

By edarcy | Also posted in pregnancy | Tagged , , | Comments (2)

{week 29}

i love everything about this body.

–

yesterday was beautiful and sunny… we walked through the town, passing by women with tiny newborns in strollers. women who i had seen at my ante-natal clinic that have already given birth. i was happy, it was sunny, my belly was beautiful and round and yummy.

and i realised what this stroll would have been like for me last summer. when i'd go for walks and pass by the playground, see round pregnant women holding onto the sticky hands of their toddlers… a mix of bittersweetness. falling in love with her beauty, wanting to capture it all for her… excited and ready to have what she has. and also that pang of wanting it so badly. i didn't know her story, whether she became pregnant easily or not.(and it doesn't matter…)

being here now, and loving my ever changing body, and everything that comes with it…  not taking even the tiniest bit of it for granted.

i will never forget  that pain of (in)fertility. and because of it, i know i can honour and cherish these pieces of new mamahood. and live with greater compassion and understanding.

By edarcy | Also posted in pregnancy | Comments (2)

part of the journey

i have been on the waiting list for a fertility clinic for nine months.

and just this morning, a letter through the door letting me know of my scheduled appointment for next month. talking about the tests they would run. mentioning samples of blood and sperm…

nine months ago i sat in my GP's office while i was on treatment with a fertility specialist and wanting to change the progesterone, because i knew it wasn't setting well with my body.  she went ahead and wrote a letter to a free fertility clinic- telling me it would be a long wait. and at the same time, dismissing me… because i'm young.

as i thanked her for the new prescription and left her office- nearly shutting the door behind me, she reminded me again that it could take up to a year to hear anything back from the clinic. i thanked her, and said that i hoped that i wouldn't have to go. that maybe i'd get pregnant before that arrived.

this morning i got to make a call to the secretary of the fertility clinic to say that my appointment was no longer necessary.

and i am so thankful for that…

but i nearly felt like i was jinxing myself.

all of that time. all of that heartache. all of that waiting. all of that uncertainty.

and a babe grows, 21 weeks.

–

i'm thankful that we never had to do sperm analysis. that we didn't have to take a closer look at my eggs… that we didn't have to do anything more invasive than a vaginal ultrasound to confirm my PCOS.

i'm thankful that the first fertility specialist we went to- that i found by word of mouth- filled us with hope (which i think was the most important…more important than any medications or procedures). he believed in me. he didn't discriminate against us because of our age. he didn't push me to the side… he didn't think it was silly.  he was honest and sincere, and his office was decorated with pictures of babies from hundreds of women who also found hope in him. women who were successful in finding their babies with help/hope from him.

i'm thankful that i listened to my instincts- and changed what he prescribed to me against his, and my doctors advice.

i'm thankful for affordable healthcare, and free maternity and newborn care.

i'm thankful for this journey. finding my way through such a heartache haze. being able to share my story and find a tribe of women who hold me up. thankful for this mysterious part of the journey that is new. exciting… filled with spots of uncertainty. forcing you to once again- give yourself over to hope and trust.

each week still feels like a giant milestone. one more week past another safe zone. one more week closer to a healthy baby.

today's phone call to cancel the fertility appointment felt… i guess a mixture of bitter-sweetness?

grateful that i can say i don't need that right now, passing my appointment on to another kindred soul on such a trying journey.  and also a wee bit…like a security net has been taken out from underneath me?

–

baby has moved positions… it sits in a space more quiet than it did two weeks ago- where i felt every nudge, every little kick, stretch, roll. a pattern forming of when it was active and when it was resting.

but this mysterious baby continues to be a mystery to me… finding a quieter space- further away.  i wait for a moment in the day to feel a tiny nudge to know that all is well. that my body and baby continue to be healthy and strong. trying not to distract or disappoint myself if it's quiet-because it's still early days. because baby is growing and needs rest. because i know he/she is moving and i just can't feel every motion. because… i have to trust. (is trust, hope, patience the lesson that this babe brings with it for me. on this whole journey?)

because i'm emotional. and hormonal.

and i got to cancel a fertility appointment i waited so long for- because i'm pregnant with the baby that i waited even longer for!  and i'm celebrating that.

and i know that my other journeying mamas will celebrate that part of their journey at some point too.  : )

love.

By edarcy | Tagged , , | Comments (1)

full moon rising

bathed in full moon light.

her power swelling. building. shifting.

casting a magic glow

greeting me as we reach halfway… twenty weeks.

a blessing.

so in love every day… so blissed out and in tune. so in the moment, cherishing… honouring. soaking it all up.

By edarcy | Tagged , | Comments (2)

harvesting a mystery

a confidence that buds within me…

one that is revealing itself, growing stronger with time.

week 17-

silence, and cramps.

before i go to bed, i search through the bedroom window, looking for her… my moon. the sky is dark and empty, she must be hiding… maybe there’s clouds.. maybe it’s too late and she’s made her way past the roof tops… i climb into bed to go to sleep…

feeling uneasy, unsure… wanting reassurance. knowing *knowing* that everything is fine, but still… wishing for some sign.

seeking advice and love from a kindred spirit, who answers back in the most magical way…

week 17 is right on the cusp… between feeling baby move, and that silence and stillness within. like a new moon, dark and mysterious, shrouded in question. but like the moon, her bright, full face will return shortly and bathe you in light and newness.

and how much more magical…did i realise that when i wrote this, when she answered… when i felt unease… it fell on a new moon…

i’m learning to honour these transitions… honouring these questions that come… these stretches and cramps within that ebb and flow like an oceans tide. honouring this mystery that twists and grows inside, randomly filling me with a zen calmness…its blue aura engulfing me.

week 18-

squidgy. that’s the only word i can use to describe the first real feelings of you. during one of these cramping achy moments, i sit with my hands pressed to my belly, seeing if there is any way i could feel you. wanting that reassurance that these cramps are from your world expanding… my pulse beating from my palms, pulse beating through my sides.. too *loud* to be still and silent enough to feel a tiny flutter.

and then suddenly… from my side, this squidgy movement. as if you were rolling.  a few more times you rolled, just enough to tell me… and then you became a mystery again.

cramps have eased up, now at least i feel like i know what they are from… ebbs and flows of an ocean tide. needing more room to expand and grow, by all means…

yesterday a sharp pain in my back. like a pinched nerve in the base of my spine, crippling me to walk hunched over… unable to get up gracefully, unable to bend… move.

and so i danced and moved… swaying my hips in big circles and curves… belly dancing with you, calm fluid motions. breathing and exhaling, in the same way i know we will dance during labour… making my hips loose and wide, breathing you down.

and just like that, the pain started to subside into a dull muscle ache… and by the next morning absolutely perfect.

–

this transition has been a beautiful one, fluid…some days i feel connected, and other days i feel like i harvest a mystery. i am so thankful for each step. … my life feels like its changing direction in so many ways. exuding more positivity. banning negative energy and people from my life. surrounding myself and my family in healing, positive light…

trusting my body and my intuition…

knowing that this babe has its own intentions for me, for it’s life…how it came to me, how it decides to be born… it will be my greatest teacher. bring me to new worlds and back again… strip me raw, leave me with bare minimal… teach me new things about myself- show me how strong i can be, and how fragile. how capable, and how chaotic.

finding comfort in kindred spirits. regardless of babies born in heart, or womb- women who surround me and remind me that i need not seek answers- but listen to myself… listen to what feels right.  trust the wisdom that is inside each of us.

our greatest gift.

By edarcy | Tagged , | Comments (10)

transitional flaws

i have scars that welcomed me into womanhood.  at first they were deep purple, stretching down my thighs, up my hips. across my breasts.. even through my stomach.

i was ashamed of them… the only stretch marks i had known were the ones on my moms belly, and hers were beautiful to me. running my fingers across the silvery ribbons, when i’d lay my head on her belly and listen.

i knew they were her witness to carrying three babies. and they were real… and they were ‘mom’.

for a long time i felt like i had a body that looked like it’s already carried a baby. a poochy belly with silver ribbons. and feeling like that was just more ammunition to hating my body for deceiving me. for not being fertile… for looking like a mothers, instead of a young woman.

it’s only recently that i don’t mind…that through my fertility journey i had to start accepting who i saw in the mirror, and be as loving and gentle with her as i could… not send her so much negativity that she was already dealing with. knowing that, my body image should have been the least of my worries- but i only tallied it on to being a failure..

and how wrong was i, how wrong are we?

i can now look at my silvery ribbons with some compassion, knowing that they started to creep up at such a gentle time for a young woman… knowing that that was the beginning of my self-awareness and let down of confidence… and that’s  just so sad to me.

i wish that i would have realised at that time that coming into womanhood meant  that my body will give and stretch to a new life… that i was joining this emotional… empowering.. sisterhood. that, instead of such an embarrassing nuisance- i was beginning a journey of discovering myself, of learning wisdom. of learning the balance and art of being a woman, sister, lover, friend… and learning that i’m important too. that i need to take time to nourish myself, and to learn to love myself.

and so now i stand in the mirror and look at these silver strands that wiggle up my hips, up my stomach, thighs, breasts.. and i am so in awe of them. in what they represent for me in that transition of my life, and knowing that i’ll have new scars that welcome me into motherhood.

and they will be the same story as my mom’s scars were for me….

By edarcy | Also posted in {daily} | Tagged , | Comments (7)

delicate

(in)fertility. i took that usage of the word from my sweet friend, denise.

i fell in love with it immediately, because it wasn't a definition. it wasn't a neat little category where things all fit into. it wasn't hard. it wasn't solid.

infertile (adj); not fertile, unproductive, sterile, barren.

uhm… nope.

i don't care what any doctor says. no woman (or man) is infertile. it just simply isn't true… and casting that name. judgement. across yourself says this is the end of the road. there is no more. get over it… you will never…you admit defeat when you have only just begun.

fertility is always more than sperm and egg…

fertility is…a state of mind, a yearning with your heart, reaching with your soul.

an (in)fertile couple yearns for their babe… and their babe will find them by whatever means it can. it will always find them..

i realised that the heartache it takes to get there is necessary… i found a tribe of beautiful, amazing, talented women. with such compassion and big hearts. i found a way to help  other women just discovering their own grief.. i found a way to help myself… to appreciate more. to not take for granted. to let go of jealousies, and be more grateful. daily. learn from this experience… be given wisdom from a place that i never wanted, but am also appreciative of. like it was destined to happen… to be a voice, or a hand, and know how to hold the torch for others in need.

one of my favourite words is prolific. and living that way… being prolific in all that you do. in your art, in your passions… with your heart. does that make sense?

–

i feel torn…

while i sit and celebrate and feel so joyous in finding my spirit baby… actually, him/her finding me.

i can't help but feel like i'm also being insensitive to those who are still on the path.

.. i don't believe that a positive test is the end to my fertility journey. (nor a negative one..) it just feels like the next step. like a transition. like the same transitions i was finding ON the (in)fertility journey. the anger, and hurt, and jealousy, and mourning. finding light and positivity, finding myself.. and this just feels like one more step in that process.. that will continue to go on.

i feel torn because…

i know that feeling of being punched in the gut when i found out a friend, or fellow path walker found their babe.

and i also know the feeling of celebrating with women found theirs, and i felt blessed to be apart of their new story, and genuinely excited and proud of them. wanting to know every last detail.

–

so many of these torch carriers for me have children of their own, some walked a delicate fertility path, some are still on it, and some have never had to endure it.

and a lot of times those women say 'i don't know this pain you're in'

and i guess i understand… because i look at girls who just happened to lay down and get pregnant. without a second thought. without wanting. without yearning… but i suppose that's their lesson to. they have to find wisdom on that journey, just as i had to find mine.

… i know that i'm not getting out what i'm wanting to say.i don't know if i really can.

a friend of mine mourns an early miscarriage, and while she can't be around me right now. i tell her that i understand, and acknowledge her pain. and want her to understand that even though i have not lost a baby, i felt untrust, disbelief, disgust, and death.. in my body. for two years. and that i feel like i can understand where she is coming from- without really knowing that painful grief as my own.

but maybe i'm wrong.

my heart feels heavy today. with her grief. and with my own delicate fears throbbing in the back of my mind.

–

this all fell apart at the end. i don't know how to eloquently put together what i'm trying to say… i don't know how to be as gentle and warm as denise is when she talks about this delicate line…

i just want anyone that has followed my journey… who is on their own path- to know that i understand if you can't celebrate with me… and understand when you need to ignore me.

and i'm sorry.. especially if i have been insensitive.

By edarcy | Comments (3)

mermaid legs

yesterday we got to see this bouncing little water baby…

sigh. nothing could have taken the smile off my face after seeing that.

these tiny little legs bending and pushing against one side to launch itself to the other. like your three year old does in the bathtub, sending water all over the edges- and the room full of giggles. little mermaid legs…

i wish the scan was better so you could see.. it was clear enough to watch- but this ultrasound wasn't as clear as our first one at the hospital. that's alright… i can still make out everything. : )

but not only was seeing this little babe wiggling and moving and.. an actual BABY. with arms and legs.. legs that will be chunky thighs that i won't be able to stop nibbling on. and little feet so soft and pure, having never touched earth. sorry sorry.. hee! getting off track.  ahem.  i'm in love with the doctor.

after fighting my way through doctors and specialists- just to be diagnosed with PCOS. realising that i had to be my own doctor in cases… realising that they just didn't give a fuck. that i'd have to repeat everything. every time.. tell them what i needed to be put on. research my own destiny and beg and try to convince one doctor or the next to do something… anything. besides just putting me on a long waiting list.

and now? …every single doctor, nurse, midwife i have met with- after coming in with a positive test, have been nothing but amazing and wonderful to us.

the regular doctor that i will be attending under was actually sick yesterday. so i got his replacement. b-b-but… i love him. he was so wonderful. just. happy and positive and silly and. it completely put my mind at ease about giving birth here, in a hospital.  i almost don't want my attending doctor now. haha (though, my mother-in-law did have my attending when she was pregnant, and loves him too)

anyway, we were also completely surprised to find out that i am measuring at 12 weeks already. (even though i didn't really think that the doctor in the hospital took long enough to check. and that his calculation seemed a bit off) but TWELVE WEEKS! what a sigh of relief.  and i know he's just spoiling me, so he said he'll have me back in a month to have another scan to double check. hee! just another little peek.

la la la

By edarcy | Tagged , | Comments (12)

delicate

i've been so silent these past few days. weeks.. what feels like months. most of it i'm just blaming on the cold and dark of winter. bringing the laptop to bed and spending most of my time curled up there, staying warm.

and now… since finding out i'm..pregnant… (heh, that feels so weird to say) i am feeling a bit extra delicate and fragile in myself. listening to my body and trying to give it whatever it needs…
but then just not really knowing what to expect.
almost feeling like i am making all of this up.
google in hyperdrive when certain symptoms end up leaving, not staying as quickly as books and online things say they'll last. i know every pregnancy is different, and maybe i'll all of a sudden get a surge of nausea and feel like kicking myself for even saying that.
ugh… still trying to stay calm and relaxed and enjoy every bit of this- but i guess that at this beginning stage, it's just a balance of figuring out what is going on…if everything is okay. i don't feel pregnant.
when do you?

for something that i really felt so so connected to immediately before hand, to all of a sudden feeling lost, unsure, crazy. raging hormones? elated and so super positive to…unsure and delicate.

i think i'll feel so much better once i have the ultrasound. i ended up having to call my fertility specialist to see about getting an early scan, and paying out of pocket for that. because my regular GP just has me on a waiting list for the hospital, which can take up to 12 or so weeks to get an appointment. (ugh… and he. i don't know. just feels like a fool to me… i know i know.. i need to look for someone else to take over my care that i feel comfortable with, but it seems fairly difficult to find someone here that i felt comfortable dealing with my fertility issues…let alone this. )

so perhaps when i hear the heartbeat, and see that everything is just fine and normal…and get to see the doctor that filled me with so much hope and reassurance that we would get here. and know and feel like we really really are here.

***

but something that does make me incredibly happy each time i look at it…

erin darcy photography

knowing that i'm pregnant in this picture… the day before we found out. this picture of us together is so extra special to me. (i know steven won't like me posting it. too bad!)

*update*

re-reading through all the beautiful blessings and well wishes from so many of  you…

finding my center again.

remembering the energy that surrounds us all… connects us all…

brought my babe to me.

talking to my friend helped me realise that again… getting too caught up in what is supposed to happen, what might happen…

instead i'll breathe… and touch my belly.. and smile on my face, and in my heart. and feel all that energy that's wrapped around us. and all this energy within me.

By edarcy | Tagged | Comments (8)