in december i was not only flooded with a new surge of hormones (that i had yet to discover)
i was also flooded with this overwhelming guilt. overwhelmingly overwhelmed. feeling like i had so many people that i needed to please… afraid i'd let them down. and i did let them down. i closed myself down. i stopped. i took on too much- much more than i thought i could handle- simply because i didn't want to disappoint. i let myself down. i crawled into a safe cocoon. hibernated. and stayed far far away from my paints. i was not inspired…and i was also afraid to be- because what if my image wasn't what they wanted? even when people say they trust your artistic vision, when you're creating for a client- you have to find out what their vision is, put your style on it, and make it work for them. ultimately- it's their artistic vision that you have to find, and that's no easy feat.

any time i did try to pick the paper and pencil up, my body would tense up… fear of failure.. fear of not being good enough. of not knowing how. of wasting supplies. making mistakes. making ugly.

–

yesterday, after picking up my watercolour pad… sharpening my pencil. i began. with no intentions. no purpose. no thoughts. no one in mind. nothing in mind. i erased and started over. and over. and over. but i was answering to no one. i had no one to show it to. it didn't matter if nothing came of it.. no agenda.

and i drew. a woman came. and i painted her.

sigh

she lifted me up. pushed me. i took my time, letting the paper sit between different stages…and more and more came.

looking at them now, today- i can see the difference in when i started her and when i worked on the other girls.

the first one has rougher lines, more defined. less flowy- more intent.

a starting point…
ahhhh like a breath of fresh air. so wonderful and tasty. drunk deep.
the next girls that came-

… and then it was going on 3am. i was already tired. so tired. but i had another girl sketched… afraid that if i left her like that- i'd wake up in the morning and not be able to finish her. that it'd all be lost.

so i tried…

and i messed her up.

but instead of being frustrated with it… i felt so okay. i laughed at myself… i learned something. it felt different. i knew i should have trusted my instincts with her, left- and gone to bed and waited until the day before working. instead her face turned to painted mud, and it was the first time that i didn't feel like i wasted paper. it felt good to make that mistake. to make the ugly.

it feels like i faced a fear.
a breakthrough…

i sat in the shower thinking about what it all meant. pleased with myself… proud of myself. confiding in steven that i don't know how to be an artist and a business woman. and that most times- i don't want to be. it's so amazing to have people who support me, who believe in me… having my artwork hang in houses all over the world (i think the farthest away so far has been australia) is beyond words… incredible. something that i created hangs in a family home that is not my own, that isn't my parents… someone else who believes in me and loves what i do.

sometimes you think about it all- and are so so very grateful. and other times you think about it all, and realise that you've got crushing anxiety, expectations, deadlines, fast moving lanes… i know it's a learning process. figuring out how to be a creative and a business. finding people you trust to help you along the way.

and also.. forgetting everyone. forgetting everything.

and just creating.

wasting supplies. making mistakes. making ugly.

i have none.

still, i believe that all of my creative juices are being used up to create this bebe inside. my muse manifests in another way.

craving to create with my hands, make something new… paint and be inspired.

eh, instead…it's found in a pepper being cut for dinner.

it's the simple things, right?

mmm… my gorgeous yummy girl crush new found-old soul i know we were meant to be together friend just sent me the above quote…

it sums up things so perfectly, in a way that my ramblings do not.

you're brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous. mwah.

–

i've been trying to form together some structure. er… somehow to piece my words together to make sense- about Namaste. i'm not a zen, meditating, yogi goddess. but the word rolls around in my mouth and makes me feel yummy and warm and light- and i love the different meanings of it. i keep wanting to use it… my favourite definition of namaste is the light within me honours the light within you. isn't that lovely?

and seeing how i can't figure out how to write about it, i think it fits in perfectly right here. right wherever. start saying it to yourself.
(ew… especially around christmas shopping. i'm terrible with the road rage- good thing i don't drive any more. i don't think that zen peaceful honouring light inside each other would help the visions of red infront of my eyes during rush hour traffic! haha)

they say that if you are in a bad mood- and force yourself to smile- you can actually improve your mood and clear away that negative energy.

…i'm not so great about faking it.

mood. confidence. anything.

i am driven by my emotions (which i love.. but also. woah. crazy town. calm down..)

but most times our work is driven by confidence (who am i kidding, everything is). whether you are a writer, photographer, musician, whatever it is that you do… confidence in yourself, in your craft, in your ability- and in the final product makes you more productive, and inspires you to continue on.

you have a bad day at a shoot, nothing went to plan and the light was really bad…
you go through a dry spell… you feel nothing- you can't seem to get out of it…

it all throws you off.

your muse has flourished with someone else, and left her favourite seat in your house dusty and depressing.

you pick through paintings, pictures, books…wishing you could figure out how they did it. hating your style and wanting theirs…

you start to think that maybe it'd be different if you had _____.
gone to an art school
better equipment
cute clothes
money
a designated studio
(fill in le blank with your own excuse.. that i am sure we all have used.)

remind yourself that:

we all have to start out at some point.
there is always someone better than you, and someone worse.
this is a phase, a natural cycle.. and this too shall pass
the more you work.struggle.fight for something- the more rewarding it is in the end.
someone already admires the work you do… (really. i promise. it might surprise you-but it's true)

believe in yourself, in your talent, in your work- so others can believe in you too. (which is so easier said than done… it's a process…)

now pick yourself up off of the floor.

find someone you admire online- and go through their archives and see where they began. it's hilarious, and such sweet medicine. oh god is it ever good… (just don't go through mine. pretty please. eep!)

you see where they started.. and how it was… well. not so great. and you see the time line of a year.. two years… and how far it has taken them.

and then i want you to go through your own 'archives' -old journals that make you cringe, but realise how much you have changed in the years… photos you took that you can't believe you charged money for…one of the first paintings you ever did that you loved.

and then you'll see the growth. the story. the progression.

and if that doesn't work in building some confidence in your craft?

call a friend and go to the movies.
pick up something you have never tried before and do it
bake some brownies. they can be special if that helps…
look up people you went to highschool with and make fun of them. (i'm kidding.. kind of. not really kidding at all..)

the point is.. do something that makes you feel good. do something for yourself. do something to pass the time instead of dwelling on it. just. do. something.

and before you know it

a little peak in confidence, and that controlling little muse will be pounding on your doorstep begging you to spend time with her.

(can you tell that i threw a hissy fit recently over my lack of muse? ha! she came back…like she always does.)

the minx.

*drawing names tomorrow night for the giveaway/swap*

so simple. see?

you don't need anything fancy… you don't need to spend tons of money on things. think outside the box. think simple. use what you have…

(of course the lovely things are always nice to have though, aren't they?!)

so to begin-

composition notebooks- i love them because they are cheap. they don't stress me out. i can do whatever in one without feeling like it has to be perfect. like i am wasting. plus– i like that they are lined, because sometimes a vast whiteness freaks me out and i can't do anything. (using brown paper is also a good alternative to that scary white perfection) so they are perfect for journalling, and doodling, and sketching out greatness.
: )

watercolour paper- my faaaavourite paper is strathmore 400 series watercolour paper. now. i don't know much about papers- i don't know the difference between hot press and cold press watercolour papers. all i know is i have painted on really expensive paper and hated it… painted on really cheap paper and loved it. and painted on some medium range ones and felt blaaah.   but this paper has been so perfect and beautiful every time. i love it. (this paper is quite affordable. especially if you have a momma who buys in bulk when a sale is on at michaels arts and craft store. she's the best.)

watercolour pencils- i have had this set of general's kimberly watercolour pencils for a looooong time. i got a set of 12 from my aunt in a birthday present one year. it took me ages to really discover how amazing they are. and so, i still have the same set- and use them every.single.time.  i know that there are plenty of really expensive watercolour sets out there (which i have never used. so i have no idea if they are super amazingly better) but this set is very affordable… and i happen to absolutely LOVE them. get them…

i recommend watercolour pencils to everyone who wants to try water colouring, but is afraid of them- can't let go with them… this helps a bit with the control issue- and is lovely to use to outline/sketch- before putting actual paint down.

watercolour- okay… here i am a bit spoiled. this set is a bit on the expensive side- but it is in no way the super high priced side i have seen (plus… i wait until i have a coupon to purchase!) mine are talens transparent watercolour set. i have two tins- one that i have had for a long time after an airline lost my baggage with my first set and then my mom sent me another tin (because she supports my craft… only so she can have paintings for her walls too. :-p) this set is a double decker- two shelves of paint pots. i love them… they're just lovely. silky. nice range of colours. plain and simple. : )

pencils- i love fat pencils.  you know those pencils that little kids are encouraged to use- for their little hands.. it can be jumbo fat, or triangle. either way.. i love it. i haven't used a normal size pencil in quite some time…  they do pose a problem sometimes- the lead is fatter, which means your lines are thick, soft. (which i love/hate/love)
another problem- you obviously need a pencil sharpener to deal with it.. but i use a knife to carve mine (much to steven's dismay *see pencil shavings above….;-p)

camera- i shoot with a canon xti. the reason i mention my camera is not only because i love photography, i have supported myself in being a photographer for families and people on occasion. but also- it is a huge part in sharing my paintings. without it, you would never see them. muahahahaaaa… (seriously.. i need to get a scanner at some point.)

photo editing- adobe photoshop cs4, again. this is an editing program that most photographers use. when i first started out taking peoples photos (and charging. EEP!) i didn't even know how to edit them… i did..nothing. with them. i had a fancy little program called photoshop- and knew nothing about it. over time i have taught myself a great deal- but i think i only know about 10% of what you can really really do with it!

–

my wish list includes…

an unlimited supply of art supplies.
a wacom bamboo tablet (to do digital paintings/designs/logos)
an old typewriter that works
a sewing machine
since this is a wish list….
a canon 5D mark II
a professional photo printer

–

what are your tools of the trade? what could you not live without?

and what would you like to add to yours?

*don't forget to check out the giveaway/swap. i'm drawing names on sunday!*

stalk them.

wait. no no no no. don't go about it in a creepy way. no finding their address on google maps, no digging through their rubbish to find what they eat. (you might not want to know..)

just. find out things about them.

read their blog, if they have one. find out what inspires them.

and then before you know it… you're finding inspiration in theirs, and then in those people's too… favourites upon favourites to work with here… and then you've got a big melting pot of inspiration- dip your paint brush into it, or pen, or skewered fruits. whatever works..

my favourite places to go to find a new source- or search through old source's favourites- are deviant art,  flickr, and etsy.
i especially love the feature of 'collecting' inspiration by adding them to favourites. being able to pour through them easily…

but then… there's also blogs. and i find some really yummy blogs, and then i go look at their blogroll and find out who they read. oooher!

and then we're all connected in a big web. a big inspiration orgy.

or if you're more comfortable with web, we'll stick with that…

maybe we're a big inspiration quilt. all the little patchwork pieces. different hands to sew it up. aww isn't that a sweet thought.  especially as i'm snuggled under a quilt my mom made for my husband. : )

–
where do you collect your bits of inspiration at?  online? on the computer? journal? box?

*don't forget to add your name to my giveaway/swap post. i'll be drawing on sunday : )

last night i dug through deviant art, plucking bits of yum here and there.

1. wind n stuff 2. longest scarf award 3. war bonnet 4. strawberry mouse 5. your song 6. mandolinist 7. fire escape 8. lady 9. hat

my process begins by finding bits of inspiration- pulling it from wherever i find. it could be in the lyrics of a song, in a photograph, in a painting, in movie credits… anything. i am constantly collecting bits of information. if i had some magazines lying about, i'd take some scissors to them- and glue it all back together in a yummy arrangement in a journal. (the process in that alone is relaxing and uplifting)

so once i've found a piece that has jump started my mojo. i sharpen my pencil. (steven hates this part… it is true… i don't shave the pencil over the bin, leaving bits of shavings and lead on the table) i only mention sharpening the pencil- because it's a process in itself. i used to watch my papa sharpen his pencils with his pocket knife… my older brothers had pocket knives- so one christmas i asked for one. and that year a fat red swiss army knife awaited me. (i still remember dad teaching me carefully how to close it… i wonder if it was more delicate about it with me, since i was the girl- or if he was like that with the boys about it too.. hmmmm) i imagined myself carving sharp sticks-like i watched my brother do. but in the end, i used it to sharpen my pencils with.

now it's just a kitchen knife. le sigh. where has the ceremony gone of that magic red swiss army?

you're thinking. why not just use a pencil sharpener. OR you're thinking why is she still going on about a fecking pencil?

well good point. on both counts.

fat pencils. and because they are important, damn it.

nothing like a big fat pencil in the hand. nice and sharp. smooth on the paper. mmm… and the smell of the pencil shavings brings you right back to elementary school days- when life was simple… and you were unafraid to ask your teachers anything… like. 'why does your butt move when you walk?'

…i asked that to my second grade teacher.

i was memorized by her bum, apparently.

moving on.

then i get some music going!

i had grand intentions of creating a play list for you, a selection of the songs i have on my 'create' mix.  but. er. ehm.

well you just need to come over and paint with me and find out what's on it. eh?

oooh oooh! i just had an idea. forgivemeforthinkingout…er.loud.

how about… an inspiration/creating/crafting/editing/muse erotica cd mix swap!

how it works:

you enter your name

i'll draw a winner on sunday.

congratulations! if you win. i'm not sure what i am congratulating you for- because this isn't the greatest thing ever. er… THEN you'll put together a mixed cd that you listen to while you work. or whistle to while you work. whatever works…

i'll put mine together, and throw in a little something special.

and we'll post them to each other!

ta-daaaaaa

how does that sound?

are you interested?

tell me in the comments.

while painting the other night, working on a commission… the end result- really didn't feel like my heart was in it. i just didn't feeeeel it. and then i turn to my left, and am looking into the face of a painting i did, around this time- last year…

and i'm thinking… what happened to those girls?

where did that style go to?

don't get me wrong. i feel like i've evolved into something else… i've found so many more girlies in my paints that i love, that i have deep emotional attachments to. that speak to other people.

and then i also have paintings that i feel just… fall flat.

that somehow other people still love… but i just. don't. feeeeeel. it.

i tried going back to the roots. to the original inspiration goddess liselotte watkins. i pour through her images, scrape up as many of her words as i can find… when you find an artist you love- you really dig to find out more about them, it just seems to bring the pieces more… close. mean more.

did i tell you that i actually e-mailed her?

…did i mention she e-mailed me back? ha! oh the giddy joy. laaaa. (i highly recommend you take the time to write a letter, or e-mail or anything to someone you admire. someone who inspires you. it's good for the soul)  …looks like i've got a lot of letter writing to do!

so now i am in search of… that fall in love feeling again. that deeply inspired- can't sleep at night because i have too many ideas… it's a process.. i know that my muse will come when she's good and ready. but in the mean time, i'm filling up bookmarks and folders of inspiration to help her along.

who has been a big inspiration to you, in any area of your life?  send me a link, share your inspiration (if it isn't top secret!)

- i haven't picked up the camera.
- i baked oatmeal chocolate chip cookies.
- i held a sweet baby boy in my arms while he fell asleep.
- i found an artist/musician that i like.
- i painted one of my fingernails.
- i wore pajamas all day.
- i had dreams that frightened me, and dreams that comforted me.
- i bought a ticket to see a friend. la la laaa
- i've been inspired by the change in season-just trying to figure out how to..what's the word? sigh. i don't know. embrace, capture, ehm…
- i began another month on this journey, one foot in front of the other.
- i procrastinated like a professional.

is it tuesday? this doesn't even make any sense. ha! i just wanted a reason to share those yummy pictures above. a little inspiration board.

mmm… deep breath in.

i'm feeling this change in season and it is so yummy… i've an urge to create with my hands… to knit and sew and bake and paint… to sit and breathe in the crisp air…

to fill the house with cinnamon and nutmeg.

to open a cook book that's been loved with splatters of batter and cocoa powder.

my list of autumn to-do's-

put together family cookbook that i have had in my mind for the past three years…
learn to crotchet
begin hand sewing a quilt. (i've never sewn a quilt.. and have no sewing machine. so this one, i imagine..will take years. haha!)
bake a carrot cake, cheese cake, pumpkin bread, cinnamon rolls, oatmeal cookies
make the house nice and cozy for when my susie comes to play
knit a scarf that's long and yummy.
fill up some canvas with acrylic. i haven't pushed some acrylic paints around on canvas in so long. miss that feeling.
get pregnant. (hehe) i have a long wish list for a healthy pregnancy and birth. sending it out to the universe… in the form of stars and dandelions.
make my own pumpkin purée! oooh how fun.
have a dinner with home-made apple sauce too!
okay.. i'm just adding things now.
one of my favourite times of the year. the most productive time of year…
the harvest before hibernation.

what's on your list?