Starving Artist Ink.

new moon. i’m feeling it….

like.. woah. the intense feeling of uncertainty and overwhelmingness that i felt each new moon while pregnant. i haven’t felt that with the moon until now.

feeling… high and lost and so much energy, mind running a million thoughts and ideas all at once. feeling like i’m too late. like i missed the chance, like i’m not good enough anyway.

waiting for claire to nap so i can try to harness some of that energy into sketching towards all of this.

seeing a circle happening.  seeing myself expanding and creating a space to nourish something big. of finding the circle of women in the flesh that i crave.

do you ever feel like there’s not enough time? like- i constantly feel like my life is going by so fast and there’s so much i want to do- but i’m running out of time (i know i know i know that’s so dumb) but it’s also true..

i want to do everything. i want to have a million lives so in each one- i can do everything i want.

i’m too lazy to do everything that i want. i’m much happier to stay at home in my pajamas, instead of running around being busy.

i want to learn everything.
i get too overwhelmed too quickly.
i want to make my own medicine
i don’t believe in my hand to really create medicine.
i want to be an amazing artist and not give a damn about anyone else and their art. to never compare myself because i’m so damn confident in my own.
i want to know all about the plants around me
i want to have a wee farm of lambing ewe’s and hens and horse.
i want to have BABIES
i want to attend births. and then i want to spoil the mamas and make them feel special and loved.
i want to give everyone everything.
i want to have my own shed to paint in
i want to watch my girl grow- and i want to give her the world…
i want to wear clothes that make me feel awesome

i want to write a book or two. but really i just want to illustrate them.
and i want to be the go-to artist for birth communities around the world.

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yesterday i contacted the director of doula ireland- putting some of my hearts deep desires in the universe to let it happen when it’s right… or. actually just e-mailing her flat outright and asking ‘how about teaching this on my side of the country, since i can’t travel to the east just yet’
and then i got a reply back. oooh the electric energy. flutters in my belly. trying to see if i can find 3-4 more women who are interested in doula training on this side of the country, that i’ll possibly host it right here, in my living room.. with my babe crawling at our feet.

a circle happening…

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in two weeks time i will be waking up in a little cottage on the beach. i’ll be able to get up and stretch and put claire on my hip, walking down to the water, the gulfs warm breath on my face. i’ll be able to hold hands with my mama and soak up three generations of girls, our own ya-ya. right there. under the sun and moon at the same time.

isn’t it amazing to think that my mama too carried this wee girl. while she was 27 and pregnant with her third, her only daughter (me), that i was in utero, given the eggs i would carry all of my life, and within me.. my girl in waiting. and there i am, at 22- carrying a girl. giving her the eggs that she will carry for all of her life. possibly a girl that will be born from her womb as well. this web of women, connected. the grandmother roots.

mmmm

i’ll bring my watercolour pad and work on a series that’s in my head while my papa bounces my girl on his lap…

i’ll miss steven something fierce, but then i’ll come back home into his arms and feel how strong they are around me, breathe in the scent of him until i’m intoxicated. he is love..