glimpse

i have been putting off sharing for a while now…

in some ways i felt like this was too precious and delicate and.. early.

in other ways i felt awkward and unsure of how to talk about being on the other side of this fertility journey… not knowing how some people might deal with reading about what is going on in our lives.

but mostly, there is an aspect of letting go when i write. sharing our fertility journey left me incredibly vulnerable, but also gave me power… i could pour it out, release some, move on or work through… and this experience isn’t something to do that with…

this experience i’m holding tight to my chest. keeping it safe in my heart, holding it so close to me because it’s the most amazing thing to have happened…

i just now am learning how to let go enough to write in a journal, to record everything. i never thought i would have such a problem doing just that.  i always imagined the projects i would do while pregnant-to keep this story for our children. and then came exhaustion, and little bouts of nausea… but mostly what came was the need to pull away from everything and just be.

i guess i’ve already been introduced to what this whole experience will be.. learning new things, learning things about myself that i never thought would be.  learning to find my way in them. learning to trust myself.

and since i’ve been able to start journaling about everything, i’m feeling more confident in myself. feeling a closer connection to our babe, feeling more positive that this is my turn..

we have already had one glimpse of our babe. a quick trip to the a&e because of a little scare. a beating heart… little arms and legs that wiggle around. it was the cutest thing i’ve ever seen. neither of us expected to see such a baby. a blob. a peanut. whatever… but arms and legs and moving around… thinking about it again makes me tear up.

the doctor took forever to find it. i laid there with my head turned to the wall, tears began to pool at my eyes… i was waiting for her to tell me that she couldn’t find anything. that there was nothing but emptiness. that i was crazy and must have made the positive pregnancy test up.

…and then steven saw the flutter of the heartbeat first.  and there it was. our baby… this little dancing swimming baby.. i laughedcried, couldn’t keep my stomach still to keep that picture on the screen.. and just thanked the doctor for finding my baby..

my next scan is in a few days, hopefully we’ll get a really good picture and i’ll share with you then, and i’ll try to be more present here…  i had so many amazing people to walk with me, hold me up, help guide me. and i’ve only just arrived. (i really have no idea how people keep it to themselves for 12-13 weeks!)

cocooning

- i'm sorry things have been quiet here. i have so many things that i could share but just don't feel right in sharing them just  yet.

*edited to add. oy vey.. i realise this sounds so bleak and depressing. i really didn't mean for it to, blame it on the hormones? i guess i just feel like there is so much going on right now, and only one place where my heart and mind are focused… and i'm protecting it and keeping it close. i feel somewhat awkward sharing- in that i'm still in the very early stages… in that i don't want people to be faced with HI, I'M PREGNANT when they come here, but that's all i can think about- so instead of writing about it i write about nothing?  and perhaps just a bit of keeping it sacred and close to my heart right now because it's all so new, and crazy, and emotional… and being on this other side of the fertility journey feels dainty.

- and then there is plenty not to share because… i'm just grumpy and ready for winter to be over. isn't everyone?

- it's cold. and guess what smell makes me feel really sick? …the smell of the COLD. (wtf..i know.)

- also my website appears to not be working as it should. which is annoying, to say the least.

- i haven't taken pictures of anything. or painted anything. or done anything. in months. it feels like shit because what HAVE i been doing? and also… i feel like i'm letting people down.

- i have an appointment for an ultrasound next week, i am hoping that after that i will feel more comfortable and ready to share what has been going on in our lives the past few weeks. right now, i guess i am just cocooning.

in the meantime, select artwork is still available for sale at LOVELIGHT prints, a new addition has been added- where two pieces of my art are being featured on tote bags. again, all of the proceeds made will be donated to the american red cross, in hopes of helping those in haiti.

art. hope. humanity

one of the fascinating outcomes from the devastation in haiti- is the human connection around the globe. people reaching out and finding ways they can help.

whether that's their power of prayer and chant… lighting a candle. sending out positive energy to those who need the extra strength.

and amazing spirits like my friend natalie, who founded love light prints in effort to find a way to donate money, food, medical help, arms to hold orphan babies…

love light prints - natalie manjerovic

currently all proceeds made from the prints being sold will be donated to the american red cross.

i feel so honoured to have been included. to be able to donate my art… for my pieces to go in bedrooms and living rooms and wherever, with the story behind it- that the money was well spent… that for just 20 dollars you have a piece of art to brighten your days, and the red cross has 20 more dollars than they did to continue with their amazing work.

take a quick look at love light prints, browse around at all of the photographic and art prints available for sale.  our first goal is to raise 1,000 by january 25th. that's just 50 prints!

people helping people around the world… making it a bit brighter, spreading some love and art… what could be better?!

delicate

i've been so silent these past few days. weeks.. what feels like months. most of it i'm just blaming on the cold and dark of winter. bringing the laptop to bed and spending most of my time curled up there, staying warm.

and now… since finding out i'm..pregnant… (heh, that feels so weird to say) i am feeling a bit extra delicate and fragile in myself. listening to my body and trying to give it whatever it needs…
but then just not really knowing what to expect.
almost feeling like i am making all of this up.
google in hyperdrive when certain symptoms end up leaving, not staying as quickly as books and online things say they'll last. i know every pregnancy is different, and maybe i'll all of a sudden get a surge of nausea and feel like kicking myself for even saying that.
ugh… still trying to stay calm and relaxed and enjoy every bit of this- but i guess that at this beginning stage, it's just a balance of figuring out what is going on…if everything is okay. i don't feel pregnant.
when do you?

for something that i really felt so so connected to immediately before hand, to all of a sudden feeling lost, unsure, crazy. raging hormones? elated and so super positive to…unsure and delicate.

i think i'll feel so much better once i have the ultrasound. i ended up having to call my fertility specialist to see about getting an early scan, and paying out of pocket for that. because my regular GP just has me on a waiting list for the hospital, which can take up to 12 or so weeks to get an appointment. (ugh… and he. i don't know. just feels like a fool to me… i know i know.. i need to look for someone else to take over my care that i feel comfortable with, but it seems fairly difficult to find someone here that i felt comfortable dealing with my fertility issues…let alone this. )

so perhaps when i hear the heartbeat, and see that everything is just fine and normal…and get to see the doctor that filled me with so much hope and reassurance that we would get here. and know and feel like we really really are here.

***

but something that does make me incredibly happy each time i look at it…

erin darcy photography

knowing that i'm pregnant in this picture… the day before we found out. this picture of us together is so extra special to me. (i know steven won't like me posting it. too bad!)

*update*

re-reading through all the beautiful blessings and well wishes from so many of  you…

finding my center again.

remembering the energy that surrounds us all… connects us all…

brought my babe to me.

talking to my friend helped me realise that again… getting too caught up in what is supposed to happen, what might happen…

instead i'll breathe… and touch my belly.. and smile on my face, and in my heart. and feel all that energy that's wrapped around us. and all this energy within me.

spirit babies

*this was written about two weeks ago… i never published it because i didn't know how to wrap it up.. and i also wasn't sure if it was something to share. i'm still a bit intoxicated in love with the whole thing… and i know well it doesn't make sense to anyone else but me… : )  *

'healers often have a blue colour in their aura…
blue is the ideal colour you need to work with to give or receive healing energy.'

i've kept this to myself a wee bit… not having told anyone- because it's slightly insane and silly.. and, well… it only really matters to me.

almost like telling a dream to someone- you begin with 'so i was in my room, but it wasn't my room…  but i could just tell it was my room. and then my mom came in, but she wasn't my mom, but she was—-'

and no one wants to hear that.

(even though i subject steven to that all the time. ha!)

so…  the other night before i settled in to sleep. i lay flat on my back with my hands pressed into the sore cramps slicing in my uterus and pulling at my ovaries. so painful, but making no progress on anything for me. so i pressed my hands in- thinking that maybe i could heal myself, as i try to when i massage other people. trying to pull the poisonous energy out…

i lay there, with my hands heavy on my lower belly, sighing to let it go.

and then came these colourful orbs… there were multiple, maybe five. all different colours. the one in the front- that appeared the biggest- was a bright electric blue. inside this light orb was a laughing baby, but looked like a buddha statue. rolly polly- laughing his arse off. mouth spread wide open, eyes turned like rainbows. such a deep belly laugh. the blue orb just hovered there with this jolly little buddha baby.

the other orbs, different colours (though i cant really remember what colours they were) were all filled with other buddha babies laughing. they all looked different, some rolling backwards with their legs up in the air. some clutching their bellies in a hardcore laugh…

all so happy and joyous.

the blue baby in the front felt so familiar to me- not that it looked like anything. it wasn't a real persons face, just like a statue of a buddha in a young, chubby form.

….and then after that, i felt calm.

i felt safe.

i felt happy.

like i just experienced the knowledge that my babies would find me when they are ready. when they find that space in the universe that they are needed most.

i didn't really know what to think of this appearance. i wasn't asleep at all… it wasn't a dream. it was just this feeling i guess. like they were mine, we belonged to each other- but were entirely separate. they had lives of their own- but we were still attached. them more mysterious to me, of course.

a few days later i remembered a friend of mine had recommended me to read 'spirit babies' of course i never did, and i didn't even look it up to see what it was all about.
still, i let that part pass..  being completely at peace with my own thing
until last night, when i was reading 'baby catcher' -she had a miscarriage, and her son told her about the spirit babies

and i thought 'woah….wait…'

+++

okay so this is where i guess i left off at, one night, two weeks ago. this vision didn't  happen two weeks ago- it happened a bit before that but felt too precious for me to write down to share with anyone else.

after that, i looked up the blue aura and found that it was healing and calming… and was so beside myself that that is how i felt about where i would be on my fertility journey.

i even mentioned it a smidge bit to a few friends at the new year- and that especially after seeing this vision of this baby in blue, that i felt calm and ready and okay. knowing that my baby would come…

…and it has.

!!!!

little did i know it, but my babe was already making it's way, snug and getting ready.  ..after two years of negative tests..

i feel like i have known about it for a good while, but through all of it i kept trying to force myself to think of something else… to convince myself that i was going crazy. so many signs pointing to yes, but i was so afraid…to yet again be hurt by a negative test and my own hormones…

i wasn't sure when i would be ready to share the news here, i've only just discovered the news recently myself… but i wanted to make sure that all of my loves knew before finding something on facebook or anywhere else. : )

i feel so blessed to have so much healing, guiding, loving energy surrounding me from so many hearts around the world… right here with me on my journey to finding my baby…

thank you for keeping me in this space.

(sending out so much extra love to my girls that are making their own way on their fertility journey. i understand how it feels to read… in ways you want to be happy, and in a lot of ways- you're just upset… and i want you to know that that's okay.. and that i still have a place for you in my heart. xo.)

back to basics

the shop shelves have been cleaned out of bottled water.
people mill through the streets carrying buckets- trying to find some place that has running water, so they can get a fill.
the weather forecasts more cold on the way…

this time last year, it was said that it was history- the lake 'froze'… there was ice, sure. but nothing like this…

erin darcy photography

idiots are taking their children and pets out onto the middle of the newly frozen lake.   and while in some states and countries, this would be the normal thing to do, people would run to grab their skates and dance around on iced lakes and ponds… but here?  on THAT?

erin darcy photography

anyway.

today is the second day that we have been without water. you don't really think about everything that you do/use until it's gone. that, of course- is true about everything…

something as simple as flushing the toilet, washing your hands, brushing your teeth, washing your clothes, making dinner…

most of our town is without water, a few lucky still have it- but now i am hearing that some have been without it since christmas… uhhhh….

tonight it snowed, we've gathered some in a bucket and in bin bags… i boiled some and used it to wash a few dishes. i stored a bag of snow in our freezer, since i don't have a bathtub or bucket to put it in when it melts… it can wait until tomorrow…

it's kind of weird and pathetic how resourceful you can get when you're back to basics.

and i'm becoming all kinds of religious, praying that our electricity doesn't go out.

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

sigh…

shplutter

la la la

what to say?

everyone is on this high of new years resolutions. 'this year is going to be different'

and while it's wonderful, i can help but be a bit cynical about it all. because we've all been there… but i do like the high off everyone about it- riding their good waves.

i'm buzzing right now, not ON anything- although, i might need to change that. 3am, is that too late to open a bottle of wine? er…

cabin apartment fever.

i haven't REALLY been out of the house in what feels like MONTHS. my favourite places to take walks have been abandoned, in favour of the warm bed- or the couch with a pile of blankets.  ooof. i've got to fix this. of course, i'm only in the mood RIGHT NOW, at 3am… tomorrow while the sun is shining and glistening on those icy sidewalks outside- i'll talk myself out of it, make a cup of hot tea and let the day go on without recognition.

new years resolution?

i am failing a daily resolution.

brush teeth…uhm. put on deodorant? er… wash hair uuuhh… *cough*

i'm failing basic uhm..not resolutions? i can't think of a word. i rely on dictionary.com far too much… my brain has shrunk. i've returned to grunting like a cave woman (and smell like one too)

blahblahblah.

okay. i'll let you get on with your healthy eating, lifestyle changes. and try my best to make it out of bed tomorrow before the sun goes down- and go outside.

maybe.

*oh also. some more people are telling me that they can't comment. and while i tried to contact IT about that (my husband), the general consensus is that we don't know what the fuck is wrong, or how to fix it… so there you go, just great!

you can always contact me through the 'contact' page- which is a private message to me. or e-mail me at edarcy@starvingartistink.com

big kisses on your face!

wrap up 2009

intro- i really just wrote this to remind myself… and i think that it would be a wonderful idea for you to dig through your archives and diaries and see all that your year has been made up of- so many amazing things that we forget, that we think were so long ago..

as a new year approaches, new opportunities on the rise. new possibilities awaiting us…

i reflect back on this year- and seeing how full it was, packed with such amazing juicy awesomeness… i realise  how very blessed we are…

i see so many of our dreams building and coming true.

i cherish so many wonderful memories…

erin darcy photography

in january, i was insomniac for pretty much the entire month. i spent nights paintings and creating… or sometimes doing nothing. and early mornings- waiting for the sun to wake up… breathing in the untouched new air… magic, crisp, silent mornings that invigorated the soul.

in february, i danced in the street with my neighbours- as snow fell down from the sky. big smiles spread across our faces, cameras ready… tongues to the clouds. it was magic and beautiful and so sweet to see so many adults become children for a few minutes…

erin darcy photography

in march, i flew to the united kingdom and met up with a group of amazing, talented, and beautiful girlies. (who i met through flickr) we stomped through cambridge and… oh god.. it was such a magical time for me. i can't believe it really was this year- it feels far too long ago…

in april, i fell in love with spring. i guess i simply forgot about her ripeness… i always look forward to the bouncing baby lambs in the green pastures… but this past spring- i really fell in love with the earth. with ireland in bloom.

also in april- i opened my etsy store and began selling my art. this was something that i used to dream of when i was little- being an artist… thinking that i wanted to go to college to be an artist. but then 'who ever really makes a living as an artist?!' so i gave that idea up. guess what? …i am.

erin darcy photography

in may, we battled may flies and fat spiders… we endured stuffy heat and discovered ice cold pear cider. i took up embroidery as a new fun hobby/craft.

in june, my allergies reared their ugly head (ew..so literally…) and i spent the entire month being miserable… i cheered myself up by dining on fresh strawberries and zirtek.

erin darcy photography

in july, one of my best friends toured through ireland. it was so surreal to see her here… we spent a day in galway city, and then i got to spend a night with her in dublin… i can't believe that she was really in my house. le sigh…

i also decided to try something new, and added blonde highlights to my hair. i'm glad that i tried- and am now trying to make the recovery back to my red… blonde just isn't me.

erin darcy photography

in august, i shot my very first wedding. i did it solo- and boy did i work my ass off… it was an incredible experience, one i don't think i will ever forget. i'm so proud of myself for not only taking on this experience, but i am also proud of the photos i was able to capture. (especially considering how nervous i was… and how much i still have to learn about my camera)

later that month, steven and i took off to belgium! we stayed with hanno and cass (who i met in cambridge earlier in the year). we toured brussels and were entertained by la petite princess, amélie. we took trains and subways, navigated through a city split by three languages… soaked ourselves  up in the history and beautiful architecture of the ancient city… it was absolutely…amazing.

erin darcy photography

in september, i came to a difficult, and much needed space on my fertility journey. it was all very much spiritual/mental… and i think that it was the first process in letting go.

in october, one of my oldest friends (er… friend i have had the longest?) came to ireland! sigh… i never really imagined her being able to come here…her life has taken off- and she had the chance to study abroad and travel a wee bit… and i am so honoured that she chose to spend some of that time with me, in our home.

erin darcy photography

in november, suddenly i booked us tickets to fly to florida. i had been saving money to upgrade my camera… but then a few things started to click into place and made me realise how much more important it would be to spend the money on memories- instead of material. it was the first time that my entire family has been able to get together-and i am so so glad that we got to be there.  while we were there, we experienced the thick florida air, lizards, niece and nephews (and we got to meet our newest nephew)…and disney world.

also in november, we celebrated our third anniversary. oh wait, we both actually forgot it was our anniversary until the day after. so we bought a bottle of bubbly… we were both pretty tired, and i was starting to come down with a sickness. but all the same, THREE YEARS MARRIED! laaa. and many many more.

erin darcy photography

in december, i taught myself how to french braid, and fish tail braid my own hair. i know that isn't that big of a deal- but it really was to me… now i'm ready to have a baby girl so i can practice on her. hee!

we also experienced horrible ice storms, baked gingerbread cookies with my brother-in-law, and watched him sing solo in his school christmas play.

my etsy has sprouted, and i have made well over 60 sales both on, and off etsy… i have been able to make a small little living out of a few creative hobbies, which is a dream come true. i never expected to find myself in this space…and here i am.. it is so beautiful and full and rich…

dear future erin,

you sometimes like to think that you have to struggle for the things you want most in life… but i think that reflecting back- you'll realise that there was really no struggle. you made things happen without meaning to, or… you made things happen because you dreamed so much, and wanted so much for them to happen- that you did. you have been blessed beyond with what you have been given, the choices you made, the risks you took. and most of all- the people that surround you and hold you up daily.

i think by 'struggling' you mean- things aren't handed easily, and because of that- keep working hard, and dreaming big… i think it's just a good reminder to not take these beautiful things for granted.

i do hope that you continue to remember what you are grateful for… to live in the present, and continue to remind those that you love- just how dear they are to you.

everything is happening for a reason. and your life has been so beautiful and blessed so far.

merriment

isn't the internet amazing…

the way we can connect with each other. build relationships worlds across.

but mostly- so we can stay in touch with those that we dearly miss…

erin darcy skype snapshot

oh it makes me all weepy to look at these little skype snap shots. but it makes me so so happy that we get to have this.

(my mom made that santa suit by the way.. it's absolutely gorgeous in person.)

this holiday is always so hard to be away from family. people travel great distances to come together to share a meal. they stay in hotel beds and sleep on blow up mattresses. they plough through blizzards and ice JUST for the merriment and magic of family at christmas.

skype snapshot

i hope that your holiday was extra memorable and sweet. that if you got caught in one of those crazy blizzards- you can still see the magic in the white christmas. that it will be a cherished memory of 'that year we drove to blah blah' something so imperfectly perfect about it.

and if you don't get to be home for christmas, i'm sending you extra love- and suggest you to make a pan of cinnamon rolls and eat as many of them as you'd like, while wearing cozy pajamas and watching a movie on the couch.

xo

walking in a winter wonderland

unless you're in the southern hemisphere and you're walking on hot sand beaches…in which case. grrrrr AND let's be best friends so i can come holiday with you?

anyway.

it's all iced up here. and wouldn't you know it- it's nearly christmas. the shortest day of the year has come and gone (ohmygoodness does that mean spring is on it's way? eh eh eh?)

i had been planning for a while to make homemade gingerbread cookies with cian (my brother-in-law). thinking i had all the time in the world, but while he was over here today i all of a sudden realised OH SHIT! IT'S NEARLY CHRISTMAS!

so i went to the store and bought the ingredients that martha stewart advised me on.

erin darcy photography

oh sigh… he looks so much older here. it kind of makes me tear up… but then i get over that. because he's a little booger.

erin darcy photography

just kidding. i love him like crazy… i didn't even mention the other night that he came over to practice his song (he was singing Little Drummer Boy as a solo for his school play {picture here} ) after a few rounds of his tiny little voice, he read 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs' to me. (i have it on my bookshelf because it's one of my faaaavourite books- and every time he comes over he picks it up to look through it) oh sigh… isn't it so wonderful to listen to a child reading to you? oh i love love love it!

-back to the kitchen-

i've never made gingerbread before- which is a good reason to try to. but mostly because cian always picks out a big gingerbread man from the bakery whenever he gets the chance, it was his first time making them too.

erin darcy photography

i couldn't find a gingerbread man cookie cutter- so i just drew one on a piece of paper and used that as a stencil.

erin darcy photography

erin darcy photography

we made a mess, and had fun, and he enjoyed his creations… and so i promised him we'd make some more cookies soon. laaa

i'm so glad that i got to make these memories with him before he's bigger and it's uncool..

what memories are you cherishing this holiday season?