{week 29}

i love everything about this body.

–

yesterday was beautiful and sunny… we walked through the town, passing by women with tiny newborns in strollers. women who i had seen at my ante-natal clinic that have already given birth. i was happy, it was sunny, my belly was beautiful and round and yummy.

and i realised what this stroll would have been like for me last summer. when i'd go for walks and pass by the playground, see round pregnant women holding onto the sticky hands of their toddlers… a mix of bittersweetness. falling in love with her beauty, wanting to capture it all for her… excited and ready to have what she has. and also that pang of wanting it so badly. i didn't know her story, whether she became pregnant easily or not.(and it doesn't matter…)

being here now, and loving my ever changing body, and everything that comes with it…  not taking even the tiniest bit of it for granted.

i will never forget  that pain of (in)fertility. and because of it, i know i can honour and cherish these pieces of new mamahood. and live with greater compassion and understanding.

By edarcy | Posted in journey, pregnancy | 2 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

domestic goddess pizza

every time i make this pizza dough, i fall more and more in love with myself. i kiss myself on the lips, and promise myself sweet things.. i won't go into more detail, but let's just say it's really really good. and perfect. and you will look like an even more amazing woman/man if you whip this up one night when the cupboards and fridge are bare and you call your love to dinner- and they're blown away and sweep you up off the floor and twirl you and later give you a foot rub. (none of which has happened yet. i'm still doing all of that to myself i guess…) but i'm sure YOUR love will do that.

i want to be able to say i discovered it myself. that one day i was messing about in the kitchen and just accidentally poured all the right ingredients together and voilà! i'm a genius. but i didn't… it doesn't keep me from acting like one though. tra la laa

the recipe was found here: jay's signature pizza crust

i add dried herbs into the dough when i'm kneading it- because it tastes divine, and makes my kitchen smell like heaven…

the only thing i suggest is to cut your dough in half- or cut off 1/4th to save for either bread sticks or some desserty pizza concoction. (i'd make cinnamon rolls out of it) but since last night i already added my garlic and herbs to the dough, i saved the 1/4th for bread sticks to make today- and last night i was sorely craving something sweet and delicious and doughy. d'oh!

–

i didn't even stop there. i made this fantastic pizza… and i even cleaned up while in the middle of making it all. doing the dishes and sweeping the floors and and and… being all around amazing.

until i was too hot, and my legs were in major need of a shave, and i didn't want my belly to touch my legs- or anything to touch me for all that mattered. my awesomeness went down hill quickly. but my belly was full of delicioso that i am sharing with you. tra laa

so today i shaved my legs. and then i made bread sticks to lure steven out of bed. i was awesome…. until a big fecking spider crawled out from under the couch. i was just glad that my feet were curled up under me on the couch, or else i would have cried…

it scared me, and so i yelped/eeked/madesomedumbdistressednoise which freaked steven out. rightly so. because oh his pregnant wife just happens to be making some distress call which turns out to be a fecking spider. my hero in shoes… but then that just prompted me to need to move all the furniture and sweep and vacuum and dust and get rid of all of it! right now! i argued with him while furiously sweeping dust bunnies and dusting baseboards- all the while he stood there… looking at me… some crazy pregnant woman replaced his crazy wife. and this pregnant woman needed it to be clean. now. right now. this second.

i forgot to mention that this morning i went downstairs to make myself oatmeal. it bubbled away happily on the stove- but i just knew there was no way i was going to be able to eat it if the inside of the freezer wasn't scrubbed clean….

and so i scrubbed. while my oatmeal cooled into some thick science project. and then i made the mistake of opening the microwave…

maybe tomorrow morning i'll think about the microwave before i put the oats on to boil… because this is getting crazy in here.

By edarcy | Posted in domesticity, pregnancy | 5 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

stuff

babe wakes at 3am, never fail. dancing and slithering inside. 3 and 9 both am and pm. always.

birds start waking at 4am, filling the early sky with thick music. i imagine the trees bending and swaying in their weight- no leaves, just full of birds. an illusion of a tree that is alive in song.

the sky is bright blue at 5am, the moon still shining her half face- until the day makes its appearance and blinds her from our view. she's still there though.. invisible to our eye, but always felt.

staying up late dreaming and scheming about nesting things. adding more and more things to the list that really aren't a priority.  stepping out onto the front at 5 this morning to breathe the air with steven and listen to the birds sing, and suddenly noticing the empty pot sitting there, randomly growing weeds… the same pot that has sat there for the two years that we have lived here and i've done nothing with- all of a sudden NOW it comes to mind for a crawling vine that flowers… how perfect and pretty it would look climbing on the railings at the stairs.  i'm sure i will never get around to it now- we're already into summer, and those take forever to establish anyway. (don't they? i'm not a green thumb. i just want to be..)

after getting the new couch cushion covers on the couches- that i made when at home. i'm seeing more and more things that i want to do to change this space. now in search of a long canvas to hang above the couch that i can paint and frame the space better… blah blah blah.

before and after of the smaller couch-

and, after the couch cushions- my urge for a sewing machine of my own only growing stronger. aaagh! one of these days. one thing at a time…

mostly things are just cosmetic. making house a home. not necessarily things for a baby, just things for home. (and really wanting things to be just perfect for when my mama comes to stay for the first time)

my list grows longer. cleaning supplies, new towels, sheets, pillows… car seat, baby sling/carrier etc. etc..stuff that's all it is. stuff.

–

today was so delicious. blue skies with white fluffy clouds. warm sun and cool breeze. a walk up town with my love. making a stop in to the school supply shop in search of the canvas- not found. that's okay. stopping into a new shop with house stuffs.. pricing things on my list. the most gorgeous lush towels found for half price. i didn't get them yet, but right when i got home all i could think was that i should go back- right now- and get at least two. i'll hold out until tomorrow…

putting on some music and letting the little one dance around inside, getting my hands dirty with flour for the most divine pizza dough. mmm seriously. i feel like such a goddess when i make it- because not only does it smell so good, but it always. always. always tastes so perfect.

tra la la belly rumbles calling. must go finish making dinner and devour it.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | no comments         No Comments | Add a Comment

pieces of our story

all quilted together. fine threads by hand. stories passed from mouth to eager ears and wide eyes. tangible history to curl up with at night… scents to breathe in and feel comforted. pictures that capture more than just a space in time.

that picture of my mama was taken the day before i was born, with a little pink pig in her arms. the same little pink pig that was in the hospital room when i arrived (it's documented in photos)… the same pink little pig that i have today- her hands still velcro together, the only thing missing is the little piglet baby she once held in her arms.

and so my mama bought my babe her very own pink pig. and you just know that i'm planning on taking a similar picture of me with her pig…

intertwining our history, keeping pieces of the story the same and altogether so different.

and then i opened this at my baby shower-

and i cried. i didn't even look at the rest of it, didn't pull it out and look at all the fabric. didn't run my fingers against the threads. all i saw was 'love, meme 2010′ and i cried…

i hope that she will be able to hold onto it forever. run her fingers over the threads, the same way i do to the quilt that was made for my mama by her grandmother. this gentle, strong love sewn through pieces of cotton. something so simple, but so profound. making a piece of history to wrap up in…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

le sigh

i already know that i am going to miss this so much. being pregnant… laying on the couch or in bed watching my belly dance and quiver.

dancing my hands across and singing, communicating between two worlds.

there's also that selfish thought too, babe is all taken care of in there. self sufficient. fed and comforted, held and given space. rocked gently to sleep and entertained for the moments they are awake. completely safe- held in a space of time that isn't earthly… where my heart isn't broken by daily milestones of a babe growing too quickly in front of my eyes, where my heart isn't broken by the intense love i'm not even fully aware of awaits… where there's no worries about sickness and teething, diaper rashes and unsettled stomachs. safe and wrapped and just at the right temperature- dancing gracefully in scared waters. no need for any thought or anxiety. belly blissed, rocking back and forth rubbing my stomach…talking to each other. and i just know i'm going to miss this… so i cherish every moment.

–

dear sweet soul baby,

i can't wait to share this world with you… to share the people in my life with you- who already have so much love waiting for you.
i can't wait to hold you in my arms, against my chest… smell the nape of your neck, rock and hum with you… listen to the stories you tell with your wide eyes while your warm palm rests against chest and neck. to have our own language…

i can't wait to see your dad completely fall in love with you… and in turn, i'll completely fall in love with him all over again…

my little love baby, i can't imagine our world without you, but i also can't imagine our world with you yet. i guess that's what this space is right here… this pregnancy. the in between. your presence is here, felt, known, loved. things bought, gifted, folded and prepared for your arrival. tangible things i can hold and smell, close my eyes and feel how they are apart of your story.

…all along you were apart of our story, and i'm so excited to watch it all unfold. to transform with you…

–

being back home is good. i would have liked to have stayed longer, to soak up more… but it's good to be back in our home too. i can sit down and make my lists and get things in order. concentrating on what needs to get done, and look forward to the day that my mama comes here to see me, to stay in our house for the first time… which just means that there will also be a little one here too. le sigh. mmm life is good.

and now i'm off dreaming about seeing my mom, (and hopefully my papa) rocking my baby in their arms… in my house… in ireland. so far away from where my feet first touched the earth.

isn't it amazing where life takes us…

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

mileage

i didn't update much at all when we were at mamapapa nest. mostly because i didn't want to spend much time sitting on a computer when i had home to soak up.

and now, a little over 24 hours travelling later- we left oklahoma and arrived back in ireland. exhausted and with more mileage tucked under our travelling wings. i'm thankful i didn't have to do that trip alone- being pregnant and trekking through massive airports… having someone to lift all the heavy bags, deliriously exhausted- drooling, when i managed to catch a snooze. someone to let you know when you suddenly birthed a white head on your nose.  good times. we had an adventure.

i'll try to start posting some things of what we did when we were at home- major long road tripping, baby showering, wedding attending, mamapapa cuddling, friend hugging… good times that ended far too quickly.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

as many letters in the alphabet

Dear baby,

We’re 26 weeks now… and you have been so…so good to me. My body gives way to you easily. You sit down low in my belly- curving your body this way and that…. Shimmying your shoulders and wiggling your bum. You cast tidal waves through your ocean world so big that my belly dances with you. It amazes me, this feeling that I can’t describe. This feeling of knowing where your feet are and your hands- by the tiny tickles I get on either side or low down in my pelvis. A random stretch and a kick in a new place in my body- where I’ve never felt you before. The hardness I feel of your head and your bum on either side of my belly…

My breasts leak at night, I wonder what I’m dreaming about, I wonder what you’re dreaming about… it’s all weird and wonderful at the same time. Seeing the proof that my body is preparing for your arrival- that my body knows how to do it’s own thing… trusting it to shift bones and give way to life. Allowing it to do what it intends- to birth you…comfort you…feed you. Mama’s body is always this sacred place of home. Where your head rests against her mushy belly, listening to familiar soothing music… breathing her scent in deep… I still do it with my own mama. Her body is home, and my body will always be yours…

Some days you like to explore and be loud, and move all day. and then there are the days where you are so quiet and gentle- and hide… moving more towards my back, where eager hands to feel you are hard to reach. I sat in the car with you today, knowing you were quiet- but wanting to make sure you were okay… just thinking about you. Waiting for a little nudge, and sure enough a few taps with your delicate feet, small enough to barely witness, but enough to say ‘I’m right here mama..’

It makes me wonder what it’s like communicating with you- without words. I don’t feel like I have to say anything…we’re just. together in this. do we ever share dreams? Or is your world it’s own private viewing?

Tonight your dad held me in his arms, we cuddled in bed as a storm shook the walls and lit up the night sky. And as he held me, he talked about how we’re in bed with our entire little family… our babe there with us. His hand sliding across my belly… you always respond to him. His delicate touch or deep rumble voice, and there you are.

You are so loved, sweet babe.

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 7 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

where in the world

it's been too long.
i am home, where the dirt is cayenne red clay. my little cousin and i used to run around and paint our bodies in the red clay- pretending we were indians. the bottoms of our feet stained red from running barefoot all day.

i'm sure her mother was happy to have us come into the house on her white carpet floors.

anyway. home. in oklahoma. where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain. and of course- they already have. with some lovely tornadoes passing right past our house, leaving only a trail of hot gusts of wind and massive ice chunk hail. (i've always loved it so… something so electric and exciting in the air… the smell of a storm.)

it's so good to be here. soaking up all the love from my friends and family-who i've been able to share this baby moving from the inside, against their palms…

spending mothers day just being silly with my mama, deep belly laughs and fun pictures to hold onto forever…

mama… all i could ever wish for is to have a similar relationship with my daughter, that i have with you….

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | 1 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment

burp from the underworld

if i could paint you a picture of a beautiful volcano goddess, i might… but then i'd probably resent her. my dreams were full of nothing but rivers of lava last night…

this trip going home has not been so smooth sailing so far.

a little over a week before our departure time- it was sudden news that steven wouldn't be allowed to come with me. it was a frantic rush to call immigration attorneys, contact congress whatevers, make emergency appointments with the embassy. try to create some game plan so we wouldn't have to be needlessly separated for three weeks. and suddenly, the clouds parted- and the weight was lifted. and some restriction that was originally just a miscommunication was cleared up. i laughed some maniacal hysterical laugh- because i was so high on super emotions of trying to figure out what we needed to do next, tight schedule, freak out.  and suddenly i could breathe again.

the volcanoes ash finally cleared over europe, so flights resumed…

and now, we sit in wait. as she's blown more smoke and ash and bad, stinky breath over us…
a mixture of red and green lights telling us it's safe, or not safe to go.

out of my control… breathe.. don't become too attached..

there's no choice but to honour her, and wait our turn. because no amount of bitching will make it stop.
i tried to get some rest before we catch the 2am bus that will bring us to the airport (where hopefully no cancellations will await us) but, sleep won't come… my  body is already tired, large dark circles becoming a permanent fixture to my face. the 20 hours of travel ahead of us is already settling in, churning my anxious stomach as i sit and refresh the latest news and airport information…

tra la laaa

who would we be without a little extra drama thrown in for good measure. ;)   makes for memories.

By edarcy | Posted in {daily} | no comments         No Comments | Add a Comment

she.

it's all flashing before my eyes..

this life.

i think that before knowing the sex i was blissfully unaware. feeling movements from within, a growing waist… a babe to be- but really… it was just that.  a baby, no identity. a dream… an idea of the future.  i could write to 'it', imagine him or her… day dream. i still have the positive test just to prove it to myself…

but it was always just that. an it. not necessarily a reality.

and then it just hit.

this baby is a person. this baby went from 'it' to someone.

anxiety dreams have come crashing down.

suddenly time is speeding up, and i no longer have a baby- but a toddler… a girl, with a mind of her own. who dictates what she wants… who has a personality. who is a person…

someone who i have to learn to know. to encourage. to protect… someone who i already love so fiercely…

anxiety dreams of dumb, simple things… like forgetting about where i left her- to bigger things like, 'can i do this?'

i know i can..i know i will. i know i will learn.. that she will be my greatest teacher. and that we have time together- to figure each other out… so i can be the mother she needs me to be.

…and then i see my friends who have daughters. and i can't help but feel so weepy and excited, so emotional and nostalgic.  ..that will be me. with my daughter.  and i think of my mom, with me…

and it's all so real. so quickly.

and i just know that time will never be the same again. that it will only keep going so much faster now, now that i have someone so much more in my life…

will i be the right mother for her. will i know how to encourage her to be both strong and vulnerable. to be compassionate and understanding. to stand up for herself… what will i do if her confidence falters, or her heart is broken… will i have the answers that she needs…

why do i feel so much more responsibility with a girl than with a boy?

–

these moments are so weird and foreign to me. i've been so confident about all of it… no worries about birth. ready for whatever happens, knowing that we will both be well.  feeling confident and strong in my body. feeling confident and strong in myself that this will be natural- that i can trust and listen to my instincts. secure that i have a beautiful group of women all over the world to fall back on when i need support, guidance, love. blessed that i have such an amazing husband, who will be a beautiful dad- and that together we can raise a family.

i feel like this soul and i are already so connected, and so different… that she has brought me so much peace and beautiful visualisations… and that she has so much to teach me, and to offer the world- already. i feel completely prepared for her in so many ways, and then… completely unprepared, clumsy, naive all of a sudden.

By edarcy | Posted in pregnancy | 2 comments         Show Comments | Add a Comment