vessel

{june 30th, 2012}

I am a vessel.
for who knows how long… if it will simply be a fleeting moment and twitch in my womb, or a full on blooming beautiful pregnancy.
a very faint positive test yesterday, met with an impatient VERY positive test today…

I feel confident and happy and whole.
I feel confident that even if I am to be the space for only a short amount of time- that that is okay too.. I feel amazing that my body received this gift and is nourishing a wee babe.. all without anything but lust, love, and passion.

i had called out to the universe that i would get pregnant in june and have a spring baby with all of the lambing sheep… … so mote it be.

we shall see..

i contacted my midwife, who i will talk to on monday to make sure that she is free and available to put me in her books. (!!!)

from suddenly asking ‘when does this become really real’
to all of a sudden booking a midwife and making it a reality.

no-2-small

{july 1st, 2012}

already i feel this incredible urge to soak claire up more.. knowing that our worlds will tilt and shift and she will go from only, to older.. as i cradle her in my arms to nurse, i look into her beautiful eyes and tell her that she is always my baby… you are always my baby. always. you are always the first and only person who ever made me into a mama… who brought me to this place of serenity and sacrifice. who gave me the gift of life again, the gift of breath and vision and light… who brought me right back to myself- and made me a better person.

i cradle her, and caress my stomach with my other hand..
my thoughts surrounding the tiniest beating heart, sending love love love and in my mind creating that cocoon and warmth of womb to gently nourish and wrap up that baby safe.. mm mmm. love love love.

as i lay in bed this morning, my loves both taking turns snoring on the side of the bed.. she turns to me for milk, and i turn to her to oblige… i listen to her gulp gulp gulp and nod back into dreamland.. and then i lay there.. in the silence that is them, in my universe that is in this family bed- and in the secret that is in my womb… my my.

i sneak out of bed to get something to eat and nourish our bodies in silence…

i feel beautifully how this is transitioning so far..

of course, it isn’t long into anything, but the wisdom and loving grace that has taken residence

i have been blessed by you wee one.
so tangled in your love already..

{july 9th, 2012}

i’m feeling wonderful. sudden bouts of nausea but no sickness.. hit suddenly with consuming tiredness, random spillage of emotions as i look at my baby girl and see how grown she is.. how long her legs are, how her face is becoming more kid and less baby..

overcome with bliss at the serendipity of it all..
of asking for a ‘spring surprise’
of making friends with a local mama that had a homebirth to share her experience with me.
of meeting this beautiful woman, who, the moment that i stepped in her presence felt immediately like ‘this is *my* midwife..this is the woman who will be there to guide me to welcoming my baby into the world’
of taking a test.. and surprising ourselves that we truly are pregnant, without much thought… without fertility treatments..
of calling *my* midwife and seeing if she is still accepting homebirth clients, and while she is.. she is also slowing down- but has a blissfully open spot just for my spring lamb babe..

incredible, how can it be?

i am taking it all one day at a time, revelling in it and honouring this delicate and beautiful space that i am in.

a vessel of life, once more.
my my…

 

 

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