Starving Artist Ink.

i’ve been trying to figure out how to write this for the past week or so… it’s just that i don’t know how to put it into words, and… i also just don’t know what i’m doing..

i’m stumbling.

i’ve come a long way from the first fears of infertility, and the first diagnosis of PCOS. i’ve learned a lot of things along the way… i’ve learned to let go of a lot of negative feelings surrounding (in)fertility.  jealousy is a big one, a nasty one… and it’s best to let that go in the beginning- because what comes after jealousy is guilt, and that’s a terrible thing to live with.

i let go of  the ‘it’s not fair’- the ‘why me’ because right now, i choose to see it as an opportunity for myself, and for other women…

great things in life are worth fighting for, and this is a fight… this is a battle. this is a long path with many thorns.  and in the end-i know that it’s so worth it. whether you carry your baby and birth him yourself, or you are handed your babe from other arms… that journey is so worth it.

i have good days, and i have really…really bad days.

and i don’t always remember to be gentle to myself through this process. this is the most important piece of the story.

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this month was the last month that i took fertility drugs. i have been on them for the past three months (which doesn’t sound like that long, but it took a few months of prep to get there…and god do these months go by slow when you’re waiting for a time to find out if your body takes, or bleeds. again….be gentle…be patient.)

i decided that right now, i’d let this be the last month of those chemicals for a little while… i’d give myself a break. a chance to breathe… i’d ‘let go’….

i feel like i’m struggling with the letting go part… that i don’t know how to do it right. that i don’t know how to not let this consume me. that i don’t know if i am allowed to talk about it, write about it, think about it.

so last night i was looking into getting some smudge sticks. maybe smudging myself would help lift some of this heavy energy from my center.

while i was looking into smudge sticks, i came across this article : love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, be good to yourself.

and while i have always really tried to reinforce those lessons, it’s easy to get lost on the way. so i’d like to add one more to her list- give yourself permission.

this is a big one for me- one that i am all about in all areas in life (and one that i forget from time to time)

give yourself permission to feel whatever comes, you’ve never been down this path before-if you’re repeating a second round of a fertility journey-babies and their stories of how they come into this world are unique, and so is your experience.

give yourself permission to cry. give yourself permission to break rules (hell. set the rules). give yourself permission to fail sometimes… give yourself permission to not know how to do this… give yourself permission.

i think we all need these reminders from time to time…

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i know that one day i will be looking back at this time from the other side. i'll be tired and worn out, i'll be changing shitty diapers and cleaning up mess after mess. i won't have as many moments to myself, and i'll want my body back to myself.  i know that one day i will look back at this time, and space, and this girl that i am today- and wish that i would have been more gentle with her, more kind, more patient, more of a friend.