Tag Archives: infertility

no.5 {365}

sometimes i take a step back, like i’m looking in on the scenes that unfold within these walls… and i’m overcome with emotion.
i remember the girl that held her belly, trying to envision what it would be like to finally be pregnant. letting silent tears slide down her cheeks…  how she’d lay on the couch- imaging her arms wrapped around her babe. dreaming of what it would be like to just.. be.
a mother..

and now i sit here, tears of gratitude staining my cheeks… my babe in my arms.
a mother…
you’re here my babe. you’re here…
i love you so.

taking charge of your fertility

oh this journey isn’t fun… but the reward makes it so worth it.

the things worth having are worth fighting for. the struggle only makes you appreciate it that much more. and. it’s all a journey-learning new things along the path.. perhaps meant to follow this, or guide, or find wisdom to be able to share with other souls… or just. for ourselves. to stop… take time.. to breathe and say ‘live in the present’  ‘embrace your journey’

so far i’ve been written off so many times- you’re young. you’ve got so many years. i’d be worried if you were 42 and had been trying for 15 years. blah blah blah. straight from the doctors mouth.

i should have asked ‘do you have kids?’

because the craving, the want… the need. the pain, and somehow-guilt that comes with the (in)fertility journey is, well… i don’t think its different at any age. sure- these women might have decided to start two years ago (or more) as well-only now they don’t have as much time to play with. but we’re all sisters with the same goal- so i’m not a fan of being cast aside because of my age.

what these people don’t realise is that being young and dealing with (in)fertility sets us on a different path from older women dealing with it…. while it is found to be more common or diagnosed in older women who have just decided to start trying for a family- younger girls that aren’t interested or at that place in their life… well that just means that we’re more alone…. i don’t have friends that are my age that are dealing with fertility issues. i don’t have friends who understand what it feels like to want a baby… friends my age don’t care about their fertility health right now*.  i am mostly alone-the only people to share similar stories, hope, and struggle through this are older women- who sometimes so very carelessly pass you off without realising it.

what i have learned so far is… to be patient. but not too patient.

to be your own health advocate. -to read what you can, understand what problems you may face. find out how you can help change what’s going on by simple dietary changes. start finding doctors-and if one is doom and gloom, get them out of your life!  i wish that health care practitioners could be trusted to know everything, i wish that their word could be solid gold. i wish that they could be on top and ready and eager to help every patient that walks through their door-but… i’ve found out that that is hard to come by. (if you have found them. keep them close)

get a second opinion. don’t be afraid to write down questions-print out articles that you have read about whats going on with you-and challenge the doctor. don’t let them pass you off and say ‘come back in six months’ no. what are you going to do for me right now? give me some hope. give me some light. tell me that this can happen. let me trust that you’ll take care of me.

create your community. join a support group in person or online, gather friends that you trust that will help light the way for you when it’s too dark. that will help keep you going. the more you reach out-the quicker you find out that you are not on this path alone. hands will come out to help you, send you wishes of love and luck. will tell you stories of their success and help you feel like you have made the right choice. with them, you know that anything is possible.

journal. for your soul, for your sanity. keep track of what is going on. emotion wise- physical wise. if a life style change is in need- the only way to help keep it up, unless you are superwoman with your will power- is to keep track of it by journalling your success and challenges.

be honest with yourself.

*being fertility wise doesn’t mean that you are seeking out to have a child. (it can just as easily be used for the opposite) i wish that more young women my age would start to understand that being aware of what is going on with their body-regardless of if they want to have children now, in the future, or never- this is about your health.  if it were your heart, you’d pay attention… so why not the one thing that is sacred, special, mysterious…complex. this one thing that makes you a woman. this one thing that can so easily change your life.

embrace your journey.

embrace your journey

i haven’t been writing much because my heart feels heavy, and it’s just not something i want to pour out here.

i make it through the day just fine, but then when i come back to my space… i feel like i need to explain why i am not being myself, or fully being honest or. i don’t even know.

i’m realising that while i feel lost in myself, i’m lost in everything else. letting dust collect on cameras, brushes, and writing…

reading an entry from one of my blogging sister’s journal today, feeling so taken back. her words were of her own journey-but felt like they echoed the little voice in my head.

knowing that one day i will sit in her seat and have the same reflection over this time in my life.

for the past six months i have been treating myself- to help my body heal and become a healthy space to create a healthy pregnancy.  (edited to add: a previous year of unknown and weirded up… and six months with some healing meds.)

i suppose really i took the wrong idea to what the medication would ultimately be for. words thrown around giving me different expectations-when in reality, they were only meant to prepare and cleanse, not specifically to create.

and then my body decided to venture on her own path…and it didn’t make sense.

so now it’s just a different approach, with the same ideas in mind-only this time, on the journey of creating a safe space and healthy body… and a family.

if i’m going to be honest, i’ll tell you that i’m terrified.

terrified of all of it. of the entire picture. of the journey no matter how long or short, dark or light.

but it’s okay, i am okay with that feeling.

because standing on the edge of great things is terrifying. that feeling in your gut is necessary to feel the ecstasy later on…. that fear and anxiety-that path travelled with heaviness, can only become lighter.

that when we fight for things, we preserve and appreciate them more. like we can see colour for the first time. in fear, everything is black and white, but you don’t yet understand that… not until you see the delicious rainbow.

with any leap, you put your trust into your surroundings to hold you up. you put trust in yourself, but sometimes that’s not safe enough-so you entrust it in those around you.

…and that’s all i can do.

i’m sad, because i want to be able to simply put trust in myself, in my body.

i want to close my eyes and breathe lightly-and have confidence in my body on her own

but i understand that it’s okay to ask for help

and that when help is there, we should take it.

so i’m putting trust in the light that discovers the darkest of dark. i’m putting trust in my space and purpose here. i’m putting trust into the unknown and long journey ahead.

i’m learning to embrace my journey. wherever it takes me. to try to appreciate every step of it. to appreciate who i am today, and who i will be tomorrow.  to know that i will eventually make it to the light.