Starving Artist Ink.

i do it in self-defense… but all it ends up being is more self-harm.

a slash at the ounce of confidence i might have built. a sneering, jealous voice-ready to pounce on anything good.

a compliment that is quickly turned down…

you know it well… work that you have done that is praised 'oh that?, it was nothing… '  how beautiful you look today 'thanks, but not really.. because xyzblahblahblaah'

quickly pointing out flaws-so someone else doesn't first.

i seem to be brilliant at it.

and after all that i wrote yesterday… how quickly it seems to be swept under a rug…until tonight. when i just realised what i am doing is wrong, so so wrong. and so so harmful to not only myself–but other people.*

*(you know how you're there with someone, and they start pointing out what is so wrong with them, making horrible comments about themselves and just over-all being negative and ugly about their appearance… and you happen to love them, and think they are so beautiful… and when you hear them say those things about themselves aloud–you just think 'well if they think that way of themselves, what do they see when they look at me?')

i always hate when i give someone a compliment and they turn it down… i wouldn't have bothered saying it if i didn't believe it. so take it, and say thank you-it's as simple as that.

but would you think i'd do the same? paah.

*****

so from now on i want to try my best to simply…take it.  to not read into it, to not pick at it, to not push it to the side and stomp my shitty shit into it.

i want to take it, turn the words over, add them to my mantra, and learn to believe them.

so that way i can start to see myself in the eyes of others, so that way i can start to love myself-the way that others love me too.

and i want you to do it with me, because we're all victims to it.

*****

today, i got my hair coloured. i had gone to the salon at the beginning of the month to add some highlights-for something different to my gorgeous red hair… so highlights it was-for something simple and different.

and they were beautiful… and so many people loved them. but i just…didn't feel like me.

i missed my red. i didn't feel the same. i didn't feel confident.

so i craved for the red to come back…

but i got something different. and i think i'm pleasantly surprised.

it was not something i expected, or asked for. the darkest my hair has ever been… it's not natural and it isn't mine. and immediately i was making excuses for myself- to tell others, in case they loved it-or hated it… to say 'oh it will fade'  'oh yeah, i didn't expect it to turn out this way either!'

but instead… i think i want to embrace it. own it. love it.

accept that this is me today, and tomorrow and until it fades.

to take the compliments and critiques and roll with them.

***

it all was just revealed to me when i posted the photo above on my facebook. i received wonderful compliments-but all i could keep thinking about was how weird i looked in the photo, how i didn't like the way my smile looked… and just then, i got a comment about that beautiful smile.

and i realised exactly what i did.. how silly i was… how i put myself down, when others were building me up.

****

thank you, for your voices yesterday. for those that read that don't comment… for following me on this journey, and joining in when you feel you can.

i wish to bring strength and encouragement to not only myself, but to you, if i should be so lucky.